always and forever - billie eilish

hey guys

hey, i thought i'd write a chapter about the book and myself or whatever the fuck. if you want to skip it go ahead but it'd mean a lot to me if you read through it and gave me some feedback, even just a vote or a dm would make me feel so much better.  by the way, this entire thing will need a trigger warning. my apologies if any of this brought up bad memories or made you cry. that was not my intention, i just can't go to therapy for a while.

i thought i'd explain that a lot of the stuff that's happened in the book has happened in my real, personal life. my dad never abused me and a lot of stuff was made up but some of it was based off of my life.

elle's character is based off of me of course and not just because i'm a british lesbian. i've struggled with depression, anxiety, body dysmorphia, OCD, just a lot of shit, my entire life. and i've been diagnosed so don't think i'm making this shit up. 

i've self harmed a lot throughout the years but i am almost nine months clean. it's been one of the toughest things i've done and i didn't think i'd make it this far. there was a time when i couldn't go three days without harming myself. and to be honest, i don't think i'll make it to a year or even nine months. i have nine days until nine months (the eleventh) and i'm starting to think i won't make it.

i've attempted suicide multiple times, but obviously it never worked. i've stepped off my roof, laid in the road, tried to drown myself, anything i could do but none of it worked. and i know i should be glad it didn't, and i was for a while, but i'm having thoughts. bad thoughts. i don't know how much longer i'm going to make it.

and i said earlier, i'm a lesbian. i've come out to my brother. he's my best friend and so i came out to him first. then i came out to my sister and her boyfriend. they were all so supportive and i'm so grateful for that. but my sister keeps bugging me about coming out to my parents. she doesn't really get why i don't want to. she said that they're going to be disappointed that they were the last ones to know. she yelled at me about it today and almost pushed me to break the promise i made to myself not to self harm anymore. i know my parents will be supportive but coming out is terrifying. 

there's a lot more shit but i'm sure i'm boring you or making you sad so i'll stop. anyway, elizabeth's character was loosely based off of jewls from euphoria but not very much. madison was kinda based on my younger cousin. amelia was made up as well as thomas (the dad). and obviously billie was based off of herself but a few little changes.

thank you guys so much for reading all this shit, the books, my rants, everything. i love you guys so much and i'm going to try to update as much as possible. feel free to dm me if you ever need someone to talk to. i'm always here. i love you guys