always and forever - billie eilish

talking to my dad

title: talking to my dad - lil b

finneas's POV

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"hey claudia, i have an idea" i break the silence. right now we're reading in bed so we've both been quiet for a little while. "what's up?" she asks, shutting her book in her lap. "i was just thinking that when our baby is born, maybe we could name them after billie." i suggest. "that'd be really sweet. i think we should" she agrees. "and if it's a boy, we could name him william" i continue. "yeah, whatever you want" she nods. "thank you" i smile and hug her. 

i can't believe i'm gonna be a dad.

i wonder if i'll be a good one.

billie is one of the best moms i've ever met, her babies are so lucky to have her.

i just hope my babies are that lucky.

i know claudia is going to be a good mom and i hope i can meet up to the high expectations our kid is going to have when i have to take care of them all alone.

i've seen how she interacts with elle and billie's kids.

it just shows how great of a mom she'll be. 

billie says i'm going to be a good dad and claudia thinks the same, i just can't seem to convince myself that's the truth.

i'll have to talk to my dad tomorrow.

"i love you" i say and kiss claudia before closing my book and setting it on my nightstand. "i love you too" she responds and puts her book down. i turn off my lamp and she does the same. i lay on my side and put my arm around her, rubbing her stomach and falling asleep.

once i wake up i get dressed and make breakfast for claudia and i. "i'm gonna go visit my parents. i'll be back in like an hour." i explain, putting my shoes on. "okay. i love you" she tells me and kisses me. "i love you too" i reply and walk out to the garage.

once i get to the house i walk in and find them eating breakfast at the table. "hey finneas" my dad greets me, standing up and hugging me. "hello" mom smiles and hugs me right when dad lets go. "hey guys. dad, i was wondering if i could speak with you alone" i explain once mom pulls away from the hug. "of course" he agrees, leading me to the backyard.

"so what's up?" he asks, sitting down at the table. i sit across from him and cross my right leg over my left, clasping my hands on them. "i just don't feel like i'm going to be a good dad when the time comes" i sigh, deciding it'd be best just to dive into it. "finn, i know exactly what you're going through. it's difficult to trust yourself in taking care of an actual human being. believe me i know. i was convinced i would be the worst dad in the world. but hearing you kids say i'm the best and watching you grow up into the people you are because of your mom and i, that's one of the greatest things i've ever accomplished. you just need to trust yourself. and we're all going to be here for you every step of the way. not just your mom and i but billie, claudia and elle will as well. and i've seen how good you are with the triplets. they adore you. you're a father figure to them already. this baby,  and any of your other future kids that you decide to have, will be so lucky to have you as their dad. even if you don't believe that yet." he tells me. "thanks dad. that really helped." i smile, looking down at my lap so he doesn't see the tears already forming in my eyes. i stand up and wipe my tears away subtly before hugging him. "i'm always here for you buddy" he assures me before pulling away. "thanks dad. i love you" i say with a smile. "i love you too." he responds.

god i needed that.