We Align

Alone

Alone

Ever since I turned 5 I've always felt like I've been alone.

Although, I never called it alone at the age of five.

I just thought I was having a new start. My family moved. I never wanted to. I had the best of friends. We lived in a great neighbourhood. I didn't understand why we had to move.

We moved to a very deserted place. My new house was the first one completed on my block. There was no grass. There were no trees. There was a lot of dirt and a noisy highway across the street.

A new school. Meaning I had to make new friends.

It was good while it lasted. Then I turned 10. Yeah, I had James and the other one. But we all moved to new schools.

A new school. Meaning I had to make new friends.

I was alone. Everything was different at this school. The guys and girls never played together unless in gym class. At recess, only the boys played sports. The girls would walk and talk. Occasionally run. That's not how I knew things. At my old school, the whole class played together with no matter what and I intended on being myself.

On the very first day of school, I sat at the front of the class. Then a boy sat in the same row as me. Then more of them came. They were probably all friends.

One boy, in particular, came up to me to tell me it was a boys row. I stood my ground and told him I can sit wherever I'd like.

He was ultimately caught off guard.

At recess, the boys and girls went their separate ways. The boys were going to play soccer. The girls just talked. So I marched up to the guys and asked to play soccer.

They told me that I couldn't play. They were shocked I even asked. I told them I am a decent player. None of them believed me. Then the best thing happened, there was one guy I knew. He was in my second-grade class. He knew I was a crazy goalkeeper. His word was all they needed for me to join.

I brought my A-game that day and they never doubted my athletic ability again.

Other than sports we always went our separate ways. I hated doing work with partners. I never had the partner I wanted. It would always just be me and the other person who couldn't find anyone.

But back then I always knew that at the end of the day I would see that one or James.

Now I had no one. Of course, I had myself. But I couldn't be with myself unless I purposely wanted to drown. My thoughts kept picking me apart.

My thoughts lured me towards the blade, so I stopped using sharp objects unless nessasary. They lured me towards the edge of my roof, so I stopped going up there. They lured me to walk the streets carelessly, I just didn't care anymore.

But every day I woke up, every day I walked away with scratches, every day I hadn't broken a bone. I knew it wasn't my time to leave yet.

That was probably the only thing that kept me around. God was telling me it wasn't my time. And I know God would never give me anything I couldn't handle.

I could handle not having that one as the centre of my life. I needed to move forward.

I found some great new people to be with. I knew Kayce and Tj had my back.

I let out my pain through my writing, music and my dance. I focused on me. How to deal with me. I never meant to play the part. But it came naturally through my love of the dramatic arts.

There were some things this summer I had on my list. I planned on completing them all.

Summer list:

- campfire

- make s' mores

- movie day with Tj

- write at least two songs

- get over him

- no more cuts

- go cycling

- attend youth camp

- live

It was a shortlist but it was one that was realistic for me to take that one step forward.

I didn't plan on doing these things in order as I listed them. But I do think this would be exciting.