We Align

Help

Help

I am 22 years old. I'm still in school. I still live with my parents. And I'm still not over the person I pushed away three years ago.

He is in my dreams. My nightmares. My friends who want to help me always bring him up which doesn't help me.

I live in a home where I vividly remember the moments we had. I need to start over.

In a few months, I'll be out of this place. I am moving out. I have been living in that home for almost seventeen years.

I accepted long ago that I needed professional help. It's comical that all my high school life, I wanted to be a councillor or something and now I'm going to see one.

I had a lot more issues than I cared to admit. I drowned. I found comfort through pain. It was wrong although nothing else felt right.

I had been diagnosed with multiple disorders. It made things worse.

They made me feel like a freak.

It's not every day that you meet someone who is bipolar, who has chronic depression, as well as depressive psychosis.

The depressive psychosis hit me hard. It was one of the main reasons I am moving out.

I heard his voice. I saw him in that house. He was outside. He was in my dreams.

I was going mad.

I had to change two of my psychiatrists. The first one looked too much like him. The second one's name was Elizabeth.

I live on my own in a small apartment. It is good.

My current psychiatrist, Raven. She is amazing. Rave is more like a friend to me than a doctor. She makes me feel normal.

I had to take control of my own life. I have to do it before it's too late. Plus, to move on means to accept my past.

I have accepted and forgave the darkest path of my past. I forgave my cousin years ago. I knew I was okay. I was also wrong in so many ways.

I'm living proof of it. I was encouraged to keep my journal. It was difficult not going back to read through it. I had to lock my songbook away because I kept writing about the same things.

Aside from my regular journal. I keep a dream journal.

My coping skills got much better. I am actually healthier. I wasn't large in weight before. I just wasn't eating enough. Or of the right things.

I would eat just breakfast and a bar of some kind. That would be it for the day...

I started to get more sleep. It was a weird thing since my sleeping routine has been messed up since I was twelve.

One of the reasons for my chronic condition is because of my inability to keep people close. I push people away due to the fact that when people get close I feel vulnerable and panic.

I lost James way before I lost him. I lost Caleb when he decided to tie the knot with Sam. I'm on the verge of losing Diamond too if I don't do something about it.

My dating life was practically non-existent. I got into the habit of speaking with strangers online to avoid my underlying issues of being alone.

I am changing. For the better of course.

I was able to find new outlets. I volunteer with the little leagues and I help out at the local hospital in the pediatric ward.

My favourite kid, there was a little girl named Penny. She was eight and she was getting ready to have her legs amputated. She was brave and was always happy. There was nothing that could break her spirits.

I pray that she stays like that her whole life.

I began to put myself out there again. I strengthened my relationships. Physically and spiritually.

...

I found myself. It took a couple of years but I am here.

I am 27 years old. I own my own house. I am still single. Wow, I'm 27 and still have never dated a guy ever.

Last month Diamond got married to Raymond.

They were a match made by God.

I had honestly accepted that I was destined to be alone for the rest of my life.

Nothing much has changed about me. I'm good with my mental health. I continue to visit the hospital as much as I can.

Although now I had a degree and a stable job. I'm a councillor and a motivational speaker. Who knew people would be interested in my crazy life story. Especially my healing process.

I had times where I wanted to quit life. I had times where I wanted to give into substance. I promised myself when I was younger I would never drink or take anything that wasn't prescribed to me. I stuck to it. Through all my breakdowns I held onto the life I thought was falling apart. I got back on my feet when I thought nothing mattered.

I used to think that other people were lying when they said it got better. I thought it would never get better. The thing they forgot to tell us is that to get better we have to want to get better. Some of us are addicted to pain and feel lost without it. Once you find a new passion everything truly does get better.

Madison 2.0 huh?