Jaylor One Shots

I Love You

TW//self harm - read at your own risk, please skip this one shot if you're going to feel triggered in any way, I love you all, please don't put your mind in any unnecessary risk. 

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Taylor has laid awake in bed for hours, her mind mulling over everything going on in her life, pointing out every flaw, remembering everything she's ever done wrong. She looks over at Joe, who's sleeping peacefully. Just looking at him brings tears to her eyes, why the fuck did she drag him into her mess? If he knows what's good for him, he'll run for the hills the moment he realises how messed up everything is, she's nothing that he wants. She's nothing that anyone wants. Unable to deal with her own thoughts, Taylor flings the covers off her, drags herself to the bathroom, quickly shutting the door and collapsing against the bathtub, the coolness of the tiles seeping into her skin.  

The pain swarming around in her brain makes her feel as though she's drowning, she can't escape it, any of it. Her mind is weighed down by every single though it's producing. She can't cope, her mind is fuzzy, so much so that she barely even notices as she tugs the bottom left drawer open, doesn't even comprehend her actions until she feels the searing pain up her arm as she makes the first cut, adding to the collection of red lines up her arm. She feels tears well in her eyes as she does it, each cut adding to the guilt of what she's doing to herself. She knows that this isn't the way to deal with anything, but still can't quite stop doing it. Every time she feels this awful, she feels the tingle of her arm calling for her, as though she has no power over herself anymore. Feeling this awful is such a common occurrence for her now, doing this to herself pains her even more now because the man sleeping just on the other side of the bathroom door would be horrified, disgusted with her. Who on earth would want to be with her when she does this to herself? She can't even pick herself up off the floor to drag herself over to the sink to wash the blood off the blade, everything just seems impossible, even the simplest of tasks. Her body feels numb, her hand drops to the ground, the blade clinking on the bathroom tiles as it slips out of her hand. Her back is leant up against the bathtub, she's barely holding herself up anymore, doesn't think she'll ever be able to again. 

She's so drenched in her pain that she barely hears the faint knock on the door, she recognised the sound but completely forgot what she's supposed to do in response. The knocking doesn't stop, it just relentlessly rattles around in her brain. She just feels empty, nothing matters. Eventually the knocking stops and she hears the door creak open. Panic strikes her when she realises what that means, she tries to hide it. Tries to cover up her arm, but it really isn't any use. Fuck, he's going to leave her now. Good one Taylor. He stops in his tracks and Taylor freezes, their eyes interlock. She watches as his eyes train downwards, sees them widen a little when he realises. He quickly looks back up at her, she can see the concern building in his expression and she can't handle it. She hangs her head, not wanting to see his face, not wanting to witness his disappointment in her. This is the moment, he's realising just how fucked up she is. He's going to run, and that thought is enough to almost shatter Taylor into a million pieces. She sees his knees hit the floor in front of her, she looks up just in time to see him reach for her, and much to her surprise, he just pulls her into his arms, holding her tightly, rocking them gently back and forth. It's that moment where she really falls apart, becomes a sobbing mess. She doesn't know what to with herself, can't figure out how to make the pain stop, but she can feel his grip, his lips in her hair. She's sobbing so much it feels like she might die from it. 

It takes a long while for Taylor to regain any sense of reality, to stop sobbing uncontrollably. But when she finally does, she's afraid. Afraid of what comes next, of what Joe's going to say, of what he'll do. She's genuinely surprised he'd held her for all that time, that he hadn't told her she was fucked up and just walked away - it would be easier for him to just do that, so much easier than dealing with all of this.