Goddess of Light

Chapter 89 ~ Strangers Again

--- Five Years Ago ---

I woke up from what seemed like an awful nightmare but turned out to be reality. Half the universe was gone. My children were gone along with many of our closest friends, and I had nearly killed my only remaining brother.

My exhaustion was bone-deep, in every muscle, organ and nerve. My heart was an entirely different wound entirely, still bleeding from the betrayal of others and failure of myself.

At first, there was nothing but guilt. Guilt for everything that had happened. My heart told me it was my fault. Then that guilt turned into anger. Then that anger turned into defeat. It was an unstable emotional rollercoaster that had no safety precautions, tossing my emotions about like a rag doll.

Nat, Rhodey, Carol and Bruce had taken off to help world organisations to fix the increasing problems, while Rocket and Nebula milled around the compound, not having any ideas of their next move. I had no idea where Thor had left to and I didn't care. He had ruined everything.

Steve had stayed at my side, but at a distance. He wanted to be near, but I couldn't let him touch me. I was a failure and not the woman he had fallen in love with anymore, even if I had the same face.

I figured he must be feeling the same.

The same way I feel when I look at him and see James.

The same way that my throat closes up and my chest becomes tight because I can't breathe because I miss him.

The same way that he must see Aurora when he looks at me.

The same way that my heart squeezes in my chest when I remember that they aren't coming back. They are gone. Dust. Fragments of only our imagination.

It scared me how the memory of their faces started to fade slightly, but I was instantly reminded as soon as I saw Steve or looked in the mirror, making both of our appearances harder to look at.

I never knew that it would be so painful to look at the person I love most in the entire universe. I wish I could tell him, but speaking my thoughts aloud was much harder than keeping them in my head.

Even dead, Thanos had an unspeakable amount of power over me. Taking pleasure in me killing myself over something that meant extremely little to him.

I spent the majority of my time led on the sofa in the compound, flicking through mind numbing news reports about the further destruction caused by Thanos. I was trying to keep my mind focussed on the rest of the world's problems and not how the last nine weeks had been the worst of my lengthy life.

Doesn't being broken signify that you tried? But if it does, why do I feel like I haven't done enough.

The first week or so after Thor killed Thanos I was dead weight, just existing on the couch, not having an individual thought beyond emptiness. Steve had taken care of me, feeding, dressing and bathing me, but this just made me feel more guilty. Not only had I not been enough to save our children, but I was now a burden to him.

I was learning to care for myself again, but everything I did felt redundant. I knew I could be doing more. My distraction had forced me to wonder about how I could be doing something. Something else that could bring my children back. 

I couldn't shake the feeling that there was something out there in the universe that could possibly bring them back, or even just allow me to talk to them. I knew that I wouldn't find that here. 

As much as I wanted to stay with Steve, knowing we were the only thing the other had, I couldn't ignore this feeling. 

Steve had prepared our dinner again and we were sat facing each other across the table, only our meals separating us. I couldn't wait any longer before telling him what I had to do.