Refraction.

The Best Dad in the World

When the extended family come around,
Or even when strangers are nearby...
When you have a coworker on the line,
You become the best dad in the world.

The best dad in the world -
The cool dad, the one who makes his kids smile
And wants to talk about all of the time
That they've spent together;
The fun dad, the one who orders takeaway food
And grumbles as he joins in with the fun.
You become the dad who plays badminton in the garden,
The dad who barbecues and allows you to have
A cold beer (so long as you don't tell your mother);
The dad who is proud of what his children have achieved,
The dad who behaves like a parent.

The best dad in the world, until the doors close
Behind the guests. Each time I almost believe that
The best dad in the world is here to stay,
But the shouting soon starts, and back comes the
Constant verbal abuse; not a day goes by in which
You do not hurl insults at me whenever you want,
In which you don't point out the shape of my body and that
My autistic traits are a disappointment; that I will never be loved
And forever remain a burden, just a drain of your resources,
Time and happiness.

The best dad in the world is actually a bully -
The sort that lingers by the sports pitch in an American movie.
You yell with your face inches from mine, sometimes you say
That you'll hit me, throw me out, hang me out to dry,
Because - you say - nobody will come and save me; I am neither loved
Nor wanted, and anybody will grow tired of my existence
If I am around them for too long.
You remind me that I am disgusting - the best dad in the world,
By the age of eight you'd robbed me of the confidence to wear shorts,
And I still can't bring myself to own a pair ten years later.

The best dad in the world... You scream abuse until I cry,
And then later deny that you said a word - I'm crazy, you say.
You do it to my mother, too. You've made her give up on this world,
And you've driven me so very close to the edge.
You've pushed me, and somehow I haven't died just yet, although
I've fallen such a long way and my scars refuse to heal.
You say that you're a good father because you provide financially
And maintain the roof above my head.
To use your words, you say that you're a good father because
You "don't go out drinking" like your own father did.

The best dad in the world is laughing away - the extended family
Are sat out in the garden, and you're suddenly the father I wish that I had.
All I ever wanted was to feel safe, and yet I'm sat here waiting; I can't enjoy
The quiet before the storm, even if it is the only quiet
I ever get.

I never even wanted the best dad in the world,
Just someone to give me a childhood that wasn't filled with fear.
Maybe you never could have been the best dad in the world,
But you didn't have to tear me down and leave this child
Trying to stitch their heart back together.