Refraction.

The Black Veil.

Rereading the words I wrote long ago,
I remember who I was.
Along with the seasons, I have changed;
A tree, I have grown,
But I have finally found much of the love
That I couldn't give myself
All those years ago.
I see my strength now, that the fire in my eyes
Fought to stay lit,
Even when the embers began to glow
Dangerously dim.
I see the love that I craved, and how,
Despite that desperation,
I saved myself all alone -
Perhaps it wasn't a choice to do it by myself,
But the saving itself, that was a thing I did;
A thing that I chose to do,
Even though it was difficult, ugly, almost too much -
It would be wrong to say
That my suffering made me strong,
But overcoming it demonstrated the strength
That was already within me; the spirit
I thought I lacked
Was always there, like a beautiful face
Beneath a mask,
I just couldn't see it,
And perhaps I haven't basked in that full beauty yet.
To recover from this illness
Is to remove a dark veil from your eyes -
The world is not the shadowy place you saw before,
And it is ineffably unsettling
To look in the mirror and realise the veil
Distorted your view of yourself too.
It clings to my head, tangled in neglected hair,
And wishes to keep me in the dark;
Where my reflection is somebody unlovable,
Somebody with no redeemable qualities,
Just a soulless drain upon the world.
I have not yet managed
To remove the veil in its entirety,
But I've torn it enough
That glimpses of colour now slip through.
I long to see the world in technicolour,
So I will not
Let it tell me
That I am not strong enough this time;
I have prospered before,
And I will once again -
I will fuel the fire behind my eyes,
Just as I have in darker times.
The first step to freedom was the hardest.