"It's not love on which the strongest foundations are built. It's the decency of merciful lies."
- Klaus Mikaelson
Song: Voices in My Head by Falling in Reverse
"The voices in my head keep on telling me I'm gonna die, and I don't wanna talk about the drama, I'm traumatized. They're tellin' me I'm fine, we both know that's a fuckin' lie. I'm losing my mind, but I don't wanna talk about it."
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Ever since he ran into Harlow and Jodie, he couldn't help but feel paranoid. He knew he felt attracted to Harlow, but he knew that HYDRA would do anything to get him back, and he figured even sending an attractive woman to catch him was one of their tactics. He also wondered if sending a child was as well. The little girl was adorable, he couldn't deny that, but that's what worried him. They were too friendly, and he didn't feel too keen about their behavior.
No one had been that kind to him in a long time. He couldn't remember the last time someone had been that kind to him. Yes, he was starting to somewhat get flashbacks of his best friend, Steve Rogers, but it wasn't enough to make him find the man. He wanted to find himself, and he had a feeling Steve wouldn't allow that to happen. He wouldn't allow Bucky to hate himself over things he did in the past as the Winter Soldier.
Bucky could often feel the judgemental gazes on people's faces as he walked passed them, if they even glanced his way. He was happy at times when he wasn't recognized or even glanced at for that matter, but at times it sucked to have people completely look past him as if he wasn't even there. He wished he could be seen, but he also wished he couldn't as well. He really didn't want to be seen, to have eyes on him, but he also didn't want to be hated and ignored by everyone either.
He could hear Jodie singing in the apartment next to his, but he knew it could all be a trick. If Harlow and Jodie seemed normal and domesticated enough, Bucky may happen to let his guard down—at least, that's what he believed they thought. He didn't want to believe that anything could come out of it that was remotely good. He didn't believe that Harlow could be a kind woman that really wanted to help him, or that Jodie really was as sweet as she seemed.
Picking up a plum from the bag of plums, he slowly walked through his apartment, checking every inch of it as he went. He knew no one was inside, but he couldn't help but feel like at any moment someone could get in and try to kill him if he didn't check for them every few hours or so. Stepping out on the balcony, he glanced over the roads and walkways below him, trying to see if he could spot anyone that seemed suspicious.
The more he paced around, the more his mind began to wander and he began to wonder just how far down the rabbit hole he was going to go before he ran from this apartment. He didn't want to disappear until he absolutely had no choice, but the more his mind tried to play tricks on him, the more he began to wonder if he was ever going to find a safe place to stay.
He liked the apartment. It was small and simple, just the way he liked it, but his mind wouldn't let him even barely enjoy it. Sure, he could rest for an hour or so, but he never could feel completely at ease. Even when he was resting, there was always a weapon on hand in case something happened. He always had a feeling that something would happen.
Sighing, Bucky decided to go to his room and read for a bit. He pulled a book from the book shelf—Lord of the Flies—and he began to read it. The book was pretty good, but it really wasn't helping him calm down. To be honest, when the kids in the book were being paranoid over the beast they swore took their friend, Bucky couldn't help but picture himself as the beast that took someone's friend.
Reading about the death of Piggy was a bit graphic to him, mostly because he knew the Winter Soldier most likely hurt someone the same way, but he continued to read the book until he was completely finished. By the time he finished, it was around midnight, and he was starting to feel tired. He stood up and placed the book back on the shelf, before kicking off his boots next to his bed.
Going into the bathroom, he quickly brushed his teeth, before going to his bed and laying down. He could hear the hooting of owls and the chirping of crickets outside, mostly because he had very good hearing. His hearing was advanced because of the super soldier serum he was given thanks to HYDRA. Closing his eyes, Bucky started to drift off to sleep. He knew it wouldn't last long, but he hoped to get at least a couple of hours of rest.
As he was starting to fall asleep, he could hear the light tapping of rain that started to fall outside. With the rain, his senses would be a little compromised. He hated that, so he quickly got up from his bed, closed his bedroom door, and placed a knife in the door to keep it closed. Once it was secure, he laid back down and allowed himself to finally fall asleep. His dreams were haunted with memories and nightmares, but there wasn't anything he could do about it. He was being tortured, but he felt as though he deserved it. He felt as though he deserved all the repercussions for everything the Winter Soldier did, even though he was brainwashed and forced into everything that the soldier had done...
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Apartment 102 (B. Barnes) (AU)
Fanfiction*The story has been edited and revised* Bucky Barnes had finally ran away from HYDRA, but he was in hiding. He was too worried, and a bit scared, to go to his childhood friend, Steve Rogers, so he tried to hide from the blonde as well. Bucky had jum...
