Russian Roulette

Chapter Thirty-Seven: Heavy Consideration

---Isador---

Isador gave Aleksei a nod as he listened to him speak. He could understand how peace was welcoming. some days he missed the peacefulness of his little desk at the bureau. Although he did not miss it enough to consider leaving Aleksei. After all, one of the qualifications for being selected for this undercover mission was not having strong familial ties. Isador knew that and accepted it. How were they to know he'd fall for Aleksei? How were they to know he'd find peace and solace with him?

It was when Aleksei began to painfully laugh that Isador felt strong sense of concern. The words 'I'll feel lonely' seared themselves into Isador's mind, and his heart felt as if it had twisted, writhing in the pain. Pain for Aleksei. Isador felt terrible then. The moment Aleksei buried himself beneath the pillow, Isador quietly walked across the floor and stood near the the edge of the bed. He was not sure if he should touch Aleksei... he didn't want to spook him. He stood there in the agonizing silence for a good moment, until he saw Aleksei begin to take deep breaths. Isador took a few steps back.

A feeling of dread and sadness hit him like a wave. He himself only shared an apartment with a photographer--a photographer who'd put out an ad for a roommate. Having that as a home meant a lot to Isador. He had a safe place to sleep, a place to enjoy solitude and a place for his feline friend to call her own as well. What did Aleksei have? A mansion full of jerks who definitely could've been nicer to him. They could have tried to care, but truly they just did the bare minimum for each other. At least that's what Isador got out of it. You were worth something if you could bring something in or provide protection. If you were Aleksei, it seemed he mainly caught rats, and occasionally picked up other jobs such as car theft. That was what Isador was good at, cars. But really only stealing them. And honestly he only tried hard doing that for Aleksei. Nearly everything the past months were done for Aleksei. Why? Because Isador loved him.

"I... see. That's rather understandable." Isador was barely able to give Aleksei a soft smile. He could see the pain and possible heartache in his eyes and his smile. And now he was going to ask a question that may cause more damage than the first question. "Have you... ever considered leaving...? I know that.. could be incredibly dangerous... And..." Stumbling over the words Isador shook his head. "You... don't have to answer that one... I... I was just curious... especially so after... After you told me to get out and stay out while I still could have." Isador remembered that conversation well. He felt his composure leaving him. It may have only been 7 months in this undercover role, but Isador was beginning to feel tired of it. But alas, as much as he loved Aleksei, he'd most likely be killed if he did anything other than be Benjamin.

---Aleksei---

Aleksei reached out for Isador's hand, he needed contact right now and it seemed that Isador was feeling off himself, he silently traced circles on Isador's hand as he thought about it, "Yeah I have, many times." he answered quietly as he continued to stare at their entwined hands before sighing, "leaving to do what though? Whether I'm in the mafia or not, it won't change the fact that I have multiple federal warrants and if I ever get caught, its my life behind bars or the death penalty." Aleksei added before suddenly letting go of Isador's hand, "I would just be walking out of one bad situation into another one." he could feel Isador's nervousness and that upsets him. Did he make him nervous? Aleksei watched Isador with a concerned expression, ask the question, just ask the question, no matter what answer you get you need to know.

"Benji...are you afraid of me? Do think that I could hurt you?" Aleksei then asked as he subtly backed away from Isador to give him space. This relationship would be the death of him, no other guy made Aleksei feel like this way and it killed him, he was not used to these mixed emotions, from having breakdowns to trying to comfort his lover while not being all too good himself. This is what love...real and pure love is, right? It felt good but it was so so intense, constantly making sure you're doing the right thing for that person. And Aleksei didn't feel right for him, this life he had could destroy him, it could hurt him. Benjamin still could live a good and happy life, he hasn't fallen that deep yet, Aleksei felt like he taking him down a dark path, would he have ran away if it weren't for him falling in love with Aleksei?