heart beats

if i was not myself

i'd be what. i'd not be, bc if i was not myself, there's nothing else i could be, or i could be absolutely anything else that exists or has existed or will exist bc that'd be me being a not myself.

but if we were to answer it less seriously, not like a philosopher but like a social media funny guy:

• satan. a symbol of knowledge, asking forbidden questions. why do u think would anybody forbid digging? BECAUSE THEY'RE TRYING TO HIDE SOME SHIT. if ur honest and open and noninsecure, u don't mind anybody digging. therefore, god is shady af. or they did him dirty in the book.

• a lemon and a half. said half would be whole; a half of a lemon torn in half by an explosion, with all the bright, nasty juices out in the open, to get in the eyes cause i love irises and pupils, they're so ah. srsly, my fav thing to draw :D

• a sugar ball with plum marmalade and lemon juice inside. deep and dark; inconspicuous on the outside. contrasting and dec-- dis-- kurwa i forgot the word. DECEPTIVE. there we go.

• an empty shopping bag that's not waiting to be filled. i float and sightsee, then rain comes and a squirrel gets tangled up.

• a grey postcard with an off-white skull, and the words "memento mori" in norwegian. well, it represents part of what i love, not me. what i love can change, but so can i; like a tree going tru seasons or a caterpillar turning into flying butter. im not what i love, but im not set in rock or eternal. anyway. it'd still fit, even tho it's not a representation of sth that's part of me.

• this punctuation whatever sth: [ ]. id be the nuance and the unspoken, the added on that'd have been a crucial missing component. again, more abt what im abt, not what i am; but whatever. im changing the prompt bc there's no reason not to.

• a winter sunrise. late enough for regulars to enjoy it, cold enough for myself to enjoy it; except id be it and not myself so whatever. how many, statistically, enjoy summer sunrises? they're often foggy btw. or is it the dawns.

• an old tree with leaves and needles, growing plums and peaches and oranges and raspberries. idk, just felt like it. id be my own feeder, representing my journey towards self love and unmasking the cultural lie of the necessity of intimate relationships. id be a fulfilled, self actualized, biological organism that defies biology and the natural order and is nearing his death, abundant in joy and juiciness. gay to have lived, peaceful to die. with deep roots, complex only to those that don't comprehend the comedic simplicity of existence (no reason, no hidden purposes; just exists bc it can).

• a grey penguin that can slide on his belly up heights, and can fly and/or teleport. still haven't decided.

• airborne sentient nonorganic quasimatter, travelling on wind, witnessing sunrises and sunsets, gliding on joy, on sheer passion for experience, dissociated from addiction to living, free in the freest way impossible. a nothing that has transcended logic itself, a self sustaining seed of chaotic potential, exploding into realities filled with physicality. also, colorful. like plankton from spongebob, but more philosophical and multicolored.

• fluffy snow on mountaintops. peacefully chilling, with lovely views to soak up.

• a delicious meal that enjoys itself.

• one hundred and 3 black fireworks on pluto.• a dance show, where joy is the theatrical value, not fancy acrobatics.

• primal singing, before words existed and where emotions express themselves organically through melody.

• a grain of sand on antarctica.

• a dark red apple that took a bite out of itself.

• a decaying droplet of blood of all animal species (including the extinct ones) combined, with DNAs burnt down. smoke!

• the edges of the shadow that the earth casts on the moon during new moon, connected to its very middle via quantum entanglement.

• a cup of green tea on a swing.

• bułka z masłem. plain, simple, no depth, no usefulness [almost. szlag by to], just existing bc it can. and it made itself, too. or, spoons were involved.

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a lot of that is to say: id be a real scientist, that actually can think outside the box instead of applying old knowledge onto everything, thinking we've discovered it all. quasi crystals, bitch - the iconic example of that.

but, that's if I wasn't myself. as it is, im not into being a scientist. im not into being a specialist. there're too many fascinating, useful topics, to choose only a few to explore in depth. how can one choose one favorite color if all are beautiful in their own unique ways? (yes i don't have a favorite color).

Also, feelings wise, a lamp with the cable cut off. sth is wrong with m

y life. gotta fix it. my brain is reacting soberly to a damaged reality. the brain is not broken - the reality is.

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so, it's a self explorationary exercise. automatic art.

therefore: what can be taken out of it: common themes: a desire for [more] and/or pride in:

• self sustainance and self affirmation. self love; looking for love in oneself, not in others or in abstract concepts such as those seen in religious/spiritual ideologies.

• not getting boxed in by conventionality. finding oneself by rejecting stiff models, to correct them and use them efficiently rather than obstructively. labels only harm when they're used incorrectly, and when they're defined incorrectly.

• autonomy. freedom to explore oneself without preimposed assumptions (coming esp from evolutionary and social psychology) and to live and die on own terms.

• death acceptance & making peace with the body and physicality.

• diversity; newness and novelty, but of nonplastic type. creativity as opposed to copying (meme culture).

• uninhibited self expression. things waiting to be let out and/or integrated into the self.

• seeing the "invisible" truths that fill the gaps and explain the previously unexplained.

• exposing the truth, undressing the systems and watching them crumble apart in their artificial shame and embarrassment with nudity (both literal and figurative nudity).

• harmony with the system while being unrestrained by it. existing in solitary peace while still contributing.

• emotional and otherwise balance. the ability to remain calm but engaged even during turbulences.

...and so on.

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30.12.24

that was just a warmup.

my brain actually is feeling warm. strange.