heart beats

so now my inner landscape (or sth) is in chaos

i feel despondent. #januarydepression

i want sth decadent.

i've a headache.

i want nice food and massage and peace & quiet.

i wanna cry. (i mean it. last time i cried was bc i choked on my saliva. and it wasn't yesterday. a nice, hearty cry is an extinct species in the land of my tear ducts. tho i did cry a bit when i rewatched the ending of the atla ep where Zuko was crying at the storm, half a year ago. it's one of the best pieces of moving visual stuff. i wish the whatever else like that exists in other shows/etc wasn't drowned in hours of i-don't-care plot = i wish gold was easier to find).

take my brain out. plz. i need a break from that piece of wrinkly greasy gut-ball.

i had lots of dreams.

idk what said gut-ball is doing. it's like a cock-tail (😏 i can't help myself. well, i can; but i don't want to. cuz why would i) of feelings and weird nonexistent scenarios that exist in my memory now and i wish my brain was more gay when i'm sleeping. as it is, i had nightmares. abt cars driving into paper houses on summer break; hm, i think driving cars into objects in fortnite and seeing them just puff out of existence might have contributed here. and the driver (who was completely anonymous) was following the arrows. so the driver wasn't stupid; whoever set those arrows was. but victim blaming so easy. not that-- coz u know, brain is useful to determine whether the arrow is pointing u in a DRIVEABLE direction, c'nie. -_- but still.

pandas are cute. 🐼

they don't need to have any more use than that. in this world full of ugly things and peepoo(ppl) and situations, not having anything cute would be *sniff* just so sad. like iroh's spilled (spilt? spilled? spilld? english, ur being stupid here) tea.

if i was a twitch streamer, maybe my emotes would be sneks.

i'd stream an empty corner of my room with crazy overlay and no sound. clips of dust bunnies chilling on the floor would be a thing. we'd give them (the bunnies) names, then throw them away, and make them into emotes to pay respect, swapping the older ones out when all the slots are taken. it'd be a deeply fulfilling social experience. i'd play improvised songs on my flute for each dono and sell personalized erotica on of or whatever. maybe i'd have half a viewer once a month. the camera would be very low q; enough to see dust bunnies tho. i could stream trolling sweats in fn every milestone. we'd have mental health discussions every second monday, and there'd be a tarot pull redeem bc it's somewhat trendy i guess but not really but whatever. every brb, chat would have a mission to either burn itself down with fire emojis or spam quality content (aka, cute stuff). also, the snek emotes would be curved sticks with two dots cuz i don't sweat at life and that's ok bc it'd still be cute and that's all that matters. <--- that's why WRITING DOWN ur thoughts/plans helps: it's like a roll of toilet paper: u pull, and it keeps on rolling.

the end.

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that was a poem bc i say so. it just contained humor and lots of literality and was a bit eclectic. modern poetry, c'nie.

who rly cares anyway. and what for. it matters nothing.

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Snow lied on the ground for weeks, then melted a few days b4 chmas leaving chmas and ny snowless, then fell on january 1st. And is still surviving. Weather, ur a joke.

But calendars are made up/constructs/whatever, so it doesn't matter. *disappointed nonetheless*

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I hate this but: since everybody's talkiN' resolutions around this time of year -_- : my ny res is to have S.M.A.R.T resolutions. *badum ts*

Jokes aside, i don't do ny resolutions. A fulfilled human sets s.m.a.r.t goals and focuses on achieving them. Regardless whether it's january or july. Otherwise it defeats the actual point of it all: to make desired life changes.

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2.1.24 (opublikowany 4.1.24) <--- esthetically, sth abt 24 bothers me. very, very, very deeply.