heart beats

what does it mean to Live My Life?

i guess, going day by day doing what leaves me feeling fulfilled

even if tired.

going day by day opening my eyes to see

if I live the life I want to live;

if not,

take a Stop.

Sacred fucking Pause.

and reevaluate.

what does it mean to Live My Life?

such a big phrase. makes u think of wild partying, horse riding, fireworks, getting drunk,

drugging yourself high like night

on the North Pole.

travelling around the world,

spending at least a month in NYC,

visiting damned Paris, London, and Ohio

*lenny*

and having Fucking Banger Of A Sex.

oh, and yelling on top of your lungs

on top of the world

on new years eve

kissing, sticky with beer

or whatever.

skiing, snowboarding

paintballing.

having a dog.

what's life without having a dog.

(i'd rather a cute piggy though).

soooooo

what is the Life That I Want To Live?

i mean, since I'm already alive

and dying's not so easy

especially if u want to

XD

i guess, my vision of A Good Life

is kinda distant from what I'd Actually Want. which means

that I feel like I'm wasting my life and missing out on The Good Stuff.

...or that I actually want that and simply haven't caught up. mpf. stupid brain; doesn't even know what it wants. 😒

like, idk, learning abt sex and psychology,

and art,

writing and drawing and dancing,

eating, sleeping, and wanking,

and sometimes having an educational talk

...

i mean, what else one could wish for? really, THAT's my #LifeGoals.

modest as fuck

yet still am unsatisfied. ha bloody ha.

but most of all

i suppose

perhaps realising life's not perfect

(far from that)

and that even though it's not perfect, it can still be good. beautiful. great.

like a dream. (a great dream, not some nightmarish shit).

yhmmm, yeah. maybe if I'm in an easy mood.

(and even gratitude fucking practice doesn't /really/ help as much. perhaps the stressor is too strong?)

BONK

(i just bonked to add a rhyme. ludicrous).

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dem pOLisH blood be flowing in mah veins stronk recently. fuck biology.

stiff and cold like a true pole. by the road. cars banging into it. teaching it how to wear shapes. how to be useful n not merely take up space and be banged. world's "literal" fuckhole.        take it however u like. personally i'm a fan of some nice spice. leaves a shiver on the tongue, a tangy memory to come back to once all flavour evaporates from ur soup and all that's left is salty water. heh. (just writing my brain out. not been grazed  or however u use that stupid word  in a while).

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But truth is, it's not abt living one's life but abt being happy with it.

And being happy with it is in big part abt one's mindset, not one's experiences. With the correct mindset, an activity as simple as drinking tea can become an experience rich with deep beauty that leaves one forever changed.

Despite being inherently painful, life's also filled with beauty. Being satisfied with life is not so much abt having the experiences that u want, but abt appreciating the experiences that u have. Without the latter, u can have the former and feel like you don't.

But I mean, you DO need some nice experiences

to have something to be able to be grateful for and enjoy.

If all you have is pain, and all your life is is lying there alone, suffering with your body,

you'll not be able to raise above the suffering of your mind

and find joy.

Brain just doesn't work like that.

It needs care and whatnot to develop its higher parts

that allow monks to do crazy stuff

and find bliss in the simple act

of being.

and that is why it's not ALL about the mindset. mindset is only a big part of the whole "happiness" thing. -_-

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#23.2.23, updated 12.3.23