Pure; omegaverse

CHAPTER SIXTY FIVE: YOONGI

     I'm so sick of being sick. I can't eat. I hardly sleep. I'm ill and tired all the time.
     I glare at my pale and faltering reflection in the bathroom mirror and have the urge to punch the glass just to make it disappear. I hate everything. I hate him.
     I can't believe I trusted him. I can't believe I gave him everything so easily. I destroyed myself over nothing but lies. Gave him all of me and for what?
     Wiping my mouth, I flush the toilet and sit down, breathing through the pain. It hurts so much. I don't know which is worse, though—the pain in my chest or the pain in my stomach.
     It all just blends together anymore. I've stopped going down to visit Jungkook and I refuse to even look at my supposed mate. Yeah, right. I've grown to hate the word. It obviously means nothing.
      And to think I used to think I was lucky to find my true fated mate. I wish I could laugh at my past self. I deserve to have some sense slapped into me. I let Hoseok blind me.
     I let him take over my mind and body. Let go of my beliefs and wants to make him happy. I thought mating him was what I wanted but it was all just a manipulation. I feel so stupid. I am so stupid.
Because of me...I ruined Jin and Jimin's happiness, too. I know I did. It's all my fault. Jin hates his mate now because of me. I know because I heard them fighting. I heard it all. Not like I didn't know it was like that, though.
Maybe I didn't realize it at the time but...it makes sense now. It was all lies. I think about all the pain Hoseok put me through trying to mate me. How he could have ended my suffering by just being fucking honest but no.
He just kept on...kept on...fucking me. Using me. Over and over again. Lying to me. Forcing me to accept his body, his claim. Forcing me to accept him. He literally fucked me over. Ruined my life. And I let it happen. So naive. Trusted him.
I place my hands on my stomach and hate how large it is. How hard it feels. What's inside. I never wanted this. Even from the beginning I was scared and anxious about being pregnant but Hoseok made me believe I had him. That everything would be okay.
What a load of shit.
Jin is lucky, though. My situation aside. Taehyung actually never forced him into anything. He respected him and obviously loves him. Would do anything for him.
I'm angry but I can't fault him completely for going along with his brother. Why wouldn't he? He holds no loyalty to me. It makes sense for him to remain on Hoseok's side.
Although I appreciate Jin's loyalty to me, I don't want him to ruin his mating for me. He has to be with Taehyung. They really do belong together. Jimin and Namjoon as well. As shaky as their beginning and middle...they make sense.
Hoseok and I were the ones that never made sense. From the beginning our personalities have clashed. Trying to force opposites together just doesn't work. I don't even know why he's bothered doing all this for me. I'm nothing special.
He could have chosen anyone else. Did he see something in me that screamed 'malleable'? Did he find my weakness amusing and wanted to play with me? Am I just a damn joke to him?
I smirk at my reflection, completely unamused. And disgusted. With him...with myself.
I'm so stupid. All I wanted was freedom. It's all I've ever wanted and the first chance at freedom I have...I gave it up so easily to a rogue alpha that spun such pretty believable deceptions. I have no one but myself to blame. God, I'm just so...stupid!
I deserve this, I really do. Life lesson learned. I'm shit making decisions on my own. I can't trust myself, either.
     One thing I do know, though, is I really don't want to bring pups into this world. Into my messed up life. They don't deserve to be brought in like this. I can't do this. I don't want to. He can't make me.
      I feel sicker the longer I look at my naked and bloated body. Heavy with pups. Pups made from lies. From force. From so much pain. I don't want them. Does that make me a horrible omega? Maybe but it's how I feel. I don't want this. Maybe I don't want this life at all anymore, either.
     I can't just abandon my mating with Hoseok but I don't want to stay, either, though. I have no choices, no where to go. Jungkook can't do anything for me, either, even if he wants to. I can't go back. I need to at least help him out of here first, though. He deserves to go back to his...mate? He's not mated but I can tell he really likes Jin's beta. That makes me happy.
     I'm still not sure if he's being honest about us being fated but over everything I trust him more than Hoseok. I've known him pretty much my whole life.

     Getting dressed, I make sure it's clear before heading down into the cellar. It's hard for me to make it down the stairs. I'm so weak. I find Jungkook in the same place he's always at.
He frowns at me. "Are you alright? You don't look good, Yoonie."
I force a smile and help him release his hands. "I'm okay. I promise. Look, I think it's best you go. It's been weeks. I'm sure everyone is looking for you."
His frown deepens. "Why do you want me to go now? Aren't you afraid I'll bring others back up here and have those alphas arrested?"
I stare into his eyes and touch his cheek. "Please don't. For me. For Jin. He needs his alpha. I know it's a lot to ask but please just let this go. Forget about me—about us—here. Can't you just move on and be happy with JB?"
     He sighs. "This isn't right, Yoongi."
    "I know and I'm not saying it is. Please, Jungkook. For me." I plead. Without allowing myself to think about it, I lean up and kiss him. He's just as surprised as me but reluctantly returns it. It's short and nothing remotely romantic.
     I still don't feel that way for him and I can tell he's over me. "Please."
     He gazes at me for a long time before nodding. "I'll let it go but I'm not going to forget about you. I'll come check on you. I wish you'd come back with me. I told you I'd find you help."
     I shake my head. He just doesn't get it. I don't want help. I'm too far past any help. "I'm fine here."
     After a moment, he nods. "If you say so. I can't force you." He looks around. "I'm going." He opens the window leading out of the cellar, glancing back at me. "Bye Yoongi. I'll be back, though."
      My smile wavers. "Bye, Kookie."
      He leaves and I turn off the light to the cellar, walking back up to the living room. I don't know what to do with myself. I need to talk to Jin. To help him sort out his anger at Taehyung. I honestly like Taehyung. He's good for Jin. L
     They deserve each other. I don't want to be the crack in the foundation of their relationship. Their mating is perfect. Enviable—without me coming in between them. I wish I could have what they have.
     I thought I did—for a minute. It was all an illusion, though. I thought he loved me but...never mind. He just wanted to use me.
     "Yoongi."
     I don't glance up at my name. It's him. Of course it's him. He never leaves me. He's always around. Trying to manipulate me. Ha.
     "What do you want?"
     He falls to his knees by my side, his hand barely touching my knee. "Please, Yoongi. Can we talk? Really talk?"
     I trail my gaze up to meet his eyes. "What can you say? There's nothing that can fix us, Hoseok."
      He swallows hard, his finger shake on my knee. "Baby...I want to try. Let me explain myself. I have no excuses but I can give you my truths. My full truths. Just don't..." He pauses, looking pained. "Just stop hurting yourself and our pups. You mean the fucking world to me whether you believe it or not."
     I scoff, looking away. Yeah, right. "You lied to me."
     He stares at me. "I lied to you."
    I scowl. "You used me."
     "I used you."
     "You manipulated me and...and r-raped me."
     He clenches his eyes shut, a single tear sliding down his cheek. "I manipulated and raped you, Yoongi."
     My heart wavers and I hate it. Hate that my own hot tears begin escaping. How can someone be so stupid that they can't even realize when they're being raped? That would be me.
      I look away from him, clenching my fists. "I hate you."
     "You have every right to."
     "I wish I never let you touch me."
     "I know, baby. I don't deserve you. I never did."
     I sniffle. "You ruined me."
     He grabs my hands, squeezing. "I did. I ruined myself also. Please, Yoongi. Let me talk to you."
     "Fine. We can talk but it won't change anything."
     He sighs. "Thank you. It's all I'm asking for. Just a chance to talk."
     "Well...go ahead."