The Siren's Song

Chapter 104- puzzle pieces

(Y/N) POV:

The second I'm home, my feet are rushing up the stairs, ignoring the worried calls of Mi-sun unnie as she moves from the hallway after me, door shutting behind me with a frantic slam, fingers fumbling to close it, hands tugging at the clothes I wear with a frantic urgency, reaching for large, oversized clothes as I clamber into bed, body curling around itself.

The sobs I'd stifled on the way home tear out of my throat now, ugly shuddering shakes of my body as my head drops forward, tears trickling down into Habaek oppa's large sweater, body shivering with a cold that was internal, a cold that came from that icy blue that was the Ocean's claim on us, the part of Her that pulsed through our veins.

And no matter how many blankets I tug around me the shivers wracking my body don't stop, shivering, numbness spreading across my skin, fingers digging in to my arms as I burrow into myself, trying to make myself smaller, to hide out of view, out of sight.

The image of their shocked faces sear through my mind over and over, a repeating loop as I see the confusion and surprise flicker in their eyes, smiles stilling and dropping. I remember the bewilderment as they looked at me, remember flinching away from Jin's touch; so assured that now that they knew I didn't deserve it, didn't deserve this attempt at trying to be happy in the final lifetime I'd live. That sickening thought that they hated me, that they'd loathe and despise me, that they'd undoubtedly ask me to explain why and how I was alive, when I had no right to be.

The thoughts of everything falling away, of every bond and every memory souring for them, tinging with betrayal and disgust makes my lungs constrict, mouth dropping open as I try to draw in air, breathing getting heavier, head swimming as each breath is taken with great struggle, chest aching with the tightness as my body begins to cave in, shaking as tightness makes my throat close.

Lies. I'd spun them a web of lies by hiding my truth from them. And though every moment had been true, had been instances of pure euphoric happiness and hope and love for me, though they meant everything for me, it would mean nothing in the face of the truth.

That I was a siren.

And that I shouldn't be alive.

That I was only alive because I avoided death and as a cost brought countless others death instead.

I was a walking curse waiting to happen.

And when they found out they'd want nothing more than to put as much distance as they could between me and them.

The thoughts make my head swim and when I gasp, head falling back and trying to push free from the entangled mess I made by dragging the blankets away, the nausea makes the room spin, dizzyingly drifted in and out of focus, the pounding of my heartbeat loud in my ears, skin feeling as if it was scorching and freezing and everything seems like too much.

My hands curl around my ears, trying to silence the sound of the loud thumping, pleading for it to stop, eyes clenching shut to block out the way the world tilts and teeters around me when all of a sudden it does.

The booming thumping stops and there's cool hands, gentle and light tugging mine away and holding me, another pair cupping my cheeks and lips pressing to my temple, to my wet cheek, calm even breathing that coaxes and tries to encourage mine to match it.

"Follow my breathing sweetheart." A voice pleads, a hand taking my intertwined one and resting it against a chest, the solid quick thump of it guiding me to match my shaky breaths to it, reminding me that someone was there, holding me, helping me.

"Slow breaths cherub, slow, keep going..." soft and gentle, aching too but holding me, helping me through it.

My breaths shake, tremble as I try to match theirs, try to match the gentle light breathing and strong heartbeat, tears spilling over when I can't, when it worsens and my throat closes in a panic.