The Siren's Song

Chapter 60- feelings come and stay

JIMIN POV:

My blood freezes seems to turn to ice- cold, seeping through my body with a chilling numbness when I hear Tae burst, because for some odd reason it feels like I'm under the scope being examined and prodded at, asked why I'm not my usual self. But it's Tae. Tae who cracks first. Tae who'd harboured the same guilty feelings as me and hadn't let them remained bottled up. Tae who looks shattered and heartbroken as he speaks, movie forgotten.

"Because I don't want her to just be my friend. Because I think I like her more than that. No...I do. And I know just how wrong it is. Just how disgusting and horrible I am for feeling that way." He bursts out, impassioned- as if the dam holding back his emotions has burst and shattered and all his feelings have come cascading out in an unstoppable wave. I see the shine in his eyes and see the way he seems to shrivel up and curl into himself- a rough sob tearing out his throat.

And I feel my heart plummet and sink to the deepest depths of pain and despair for him, with him.

How long had Tae been feeling like that? How long had he had to hide those feelings from us because he thought he was the only one?

Wrong. Disgusting. Horrible.

He's not a single one of these things, not in the slightest. Not unless I too share that blame, that label with him. Perhaps deserve it way more given just how long I've harboured these feelings, how long I've let them take root, blossom, and flourish into sprigs of want and desire and longing.

I lean away from Jin hyung, curling around myself and avoid meeting his eyes- seeing the startled reaction it gets.

"Jimin-ah..." he says carefully.

I shake my head, peering at Tae who's refusing to let Kookie draw him out from the curved-up position he's in.

"Tae don't say that, don't ever say that." I say voice coming out slightly hoarse, pained that he's been silently punishing himself, struggling alone.

If he'd given the slightest indication, if he'd even shared one thought, one tormented feeling then perhaps he wouldn't be berating himself, beating him up so much.

"Why not? Why shouldn't I feel horrible?" he sobs, Kookie's arms tightly around him, his own face pale and pained.

The hyungs sit up, already moving- the light having cast its illuminating rays onto the situation. Pale shocked faces, tightly pressed lips, and plagued eyes.

"Because you're not alone. Because I've been struggling with those same feelings for so, so long and didn't tell anyone- thought I was being unfaithful." I say, voice cracking and feeling Jin hyung's arms coming around me- feeling unworthy of that comforting affection.

I feel my stomach twist itself into knots, feeling my head as both deadweight and cut off- reaching dizzying soaring heights as I wonder what the hyungs will say, whether they'll hate the two of us.

But I couldn't stand it.

Couldn't stand the way he'd felt so burdened when he wasn't alone.

When I suspected that I'd harboured feelings for longer.

When I began becoming flustered at the outfits she'd posed for me and Hobi hyung, when she'd let me tug her alongside as we ran in the rain, who knows? Who knew when my snow angel became someone more than just a saviour in that moment? When she crossed that fine line between friends and more, and more than that- when I'd been the one to see her as something more?

Had craved it?

Had wanted happiness in spending time together whether that be going out or even just content to sit or lie next to each other. Why it had began to make me feel jealous and wanting when Kookie easily whisked her away to spend time together, wishing that I could spend time with her without feeling guilt, without feeling longing.