Thinner

1

Scales.
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From a scale from one to ten..how far are you willing to go for the perfect dream life? A perfect home? A perfect body? A perfect life? How long will you go to earn that happiness you've been yearning for all your life. From a scale that goes to one side to the other, from a scale that increases or decreases in numbers..how much are you willing to lose? How loose are you willing to become?

From a number from 0 to a 1000..what is your limit? What is safe? What is good for you?..and what is bad for you?

Is it stuffing up your mouth with greasy, filthy, sugar-coated pastries? Is it that 16 hours fasting a day and one snack to survive on? Is it having an emotional attachment to food and a toilet afterward? Do those things make you any more comfortable in your own self?

What about the glass shattering whenever Father gets angry? Have you found comfort in that yet? Knowing it'll be your turn next? How about your mother? Is she doing well? Is she happy? I saw she walked happily around with a Dior bag..must be nice having cash...right?.....ha, right.

Cash that is earned illegally is like eating a filthy, greasy, sugar-coated pastry for him. Cash that is spent impulsively is him visiting the bathroom after a big birthday party. Cash that is being stored away for his safety..hasn't been keeping him safe from day one.

A body as fragile as his. A body in which ones bones creaked at the smallest movement, nonexistent muscles cramping up, and his throat so dry and hollow.

Counting to become a habit to look forward too..how visible are they? Is he skinny enough now that he could count all 12 ribs on each side? Is he skinny enough now that his spine is so visible and bruised from harsh surfaces. Is he skinny enough now that no color was decorating his pale, tight skin?

Is he perfect now?

No.

He is not.

He will never be perfect enough.

Not until he loses five more kilograms. Not until his thighs shrink in further. Not until his waist will be measured 28 inches. Until then, he will not be perfect.

But of course..he would always notice new imperfections along the way....it's impossible not too..when he owns a body like his, when he owns a body in which blood belongs to his cruel parents. He won't ever be enough.

But he strives to be thinner. He strives to be good in school. Cause he doesn't like being hit when his parents aren't satisfied with how he performs certain acts. They won't be satisfied if they see him eating their food, so therefore, he doesn't need it. He just need to be perfect so they won't be mad at him. He just needs to accept that he is fat and that he doesn't need to eat. He has to accept that he is bad in school, even if he passed the last quiz with top marks. He always has to be better.

And his life depended on it..yet he don't mind. Cause food will only be an inconvenience to him in the long run. He just need to be perfect, so that maybe one day he'd be able to experience a mother's hugs..oh those hugs he has heard about all his life from classmates and teachers..he has heard so much about how hugs from a mother could cure every ounce of sadness that flooded within one's system..but what did he do to not deserve that yet? How long did he have to wait till he could embrace the drunken woman?

He also heard from classmates that fathers were the best at football. He also waited for the day his father would play with him too, but it had to be any other game than constant beat-up sessions..or else he didn't want the love.

Patience was a hard word for him to   accept. He has been waiting 16 years of his life to be able to play football with his father. He has waited 16 years to receive a hug from his mother..and yet they were all just imaginative dreams that never became true.

A dream that was meant to fall into a void so deep it would hug him tighter than his mother.

Even if he didn't like being beaten or ignored by his mother and father. He still loved them. They were his parents, right? He still cooked for them, even if he didn't eat it. He always made sure to put lots of fat in the dishes so they would become like him.

Fat and ugly.

He wanted to look more like his parents, but he wanted to be better than everyone at the same time.

He loved the empty feeling of nothing in his stomach, loving the feeling of scratching his bones even if he got bullied for it. He still loves everything that he hated with his whole heart.

But there is always a limit to how far you could possibly go. And he has hit that limit for good. His body is not able to sustain itself anymore, not without direct nourishment. But he didn't want it. But he had to. He had to stay alive to feel like he had lived enough to be satisfied with his own self.

He has to do well.

He has to be perfect.

He has to be better than everyone.

The best of the best. And no one, absolutely no one has to take that comfort away from him. It is his own plan. It is his own world, not theirs.

He will stay thinner and thinner until he hits the last number on the scale, and he doesn't care whether if he is decomposed by then. He just has to reach that goal.

All it takes is to stay...

Thinner.
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This is a Jeongin×Hyunjin×Chan book.

This is all fiction and made up, this story has nothing to do with the actual members themselves.

Keep in mind that this book will
Contain the following.

⚠️ TW ⚠️

Alcoholism
Drugs
Smoking
Sexual intercourse
Hospital
Eating disorders
Self-harm
Abuse
Underage drinking, smoking, drugs consumption
Poly relationship
Death

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