Thinner

74

Adapter.
________________________
"Hey-. You seem out if it" Hajun beamed as he walked into the living room, placing down a black plastic bag on the floor. "What's up?".

"My head is killing me" Jeongin grooked, glaring at the older who just laughed.

"I see you drank?" He spoke in more of a questionable tone, looking at younger with a worried expression before placing a hand on his forehead. "And you warm, are you sick?".

"In the head? Yeah, I think so".

Hajun let out a soft laugh as he sat down beside the younger, who glanced at the black plastic bag on the ground.

"I thought you were taking a break from drugs?" He spoked as he sat up a bit, gazing back at the older who nudged him with his elbow.

"It's take-out food. I got rice with teriyaki chicken and some bulgur with grilled chicken".

Jeongin picked up the bag without hesitation, taking out both containers and the plastic forks that were only a small complimentary gift to ruin the environment with later on.

"Why did you drink today? There's, like, at least 30 bottles" Hajun commented, recognizing the awful pattern in the younger's coping mechanism, but he wasn't one to judge, knowing he was worse than the boy before him.

"40, actually. And my head was killing me".

"What happened?" Hajun questioned further, digging for more information upon the boy's frustration and stress, which led him to the moment of drinking 40 different beverages of straight liquor.

"I'm not sure. Like my thoughts kept coming, becoming more passive-aggressive the longer I kept sober. Nothing made sense, but everything did at the same time. And it fucked up, because I genuinely thought that would be the end of my life, as if I was about to go brain dead or something" he explained, chewing on the perfectly cooked and seasoned chicken, making him light up with a bit of joy.

And it was confusing to him. Because it was the first time he associated the word "joy" with food.

"Maybe it was related to the phone call?" Hajun proposed.

"I believe so too..".

When another word wasn't spoken, Jeongin took it as a chance to gulp down the remaining of the food. He felt miserable on the inside, like he was so full of void and desperation for something to happen when nothing was going on.

He thought about what Hyunjin said about Chan, tilting his head to the side as he frowned upon the thought. He knew the situation affected him greatly. But knowing that Chan had a hard time, too, made him feel guilty for the things he had put on hold.

It wasn't necessarily the fact that he had the urge to return to them. It was the complete opposite, actually. And it sucked. He wanted to give them a chance; but the amount he has been hurting because of them just wasn't a valid reason to stay.

"Hajun?".

"Yeah?".

Jeongin thought twice about his words, feeling even more confusion rise within his system.

"When things first started falling apart, I always thought that it was something to get over with. Like when I woke up in the hospital, I assumed I would go home right after. When I stayed in the hospital, I assumed things would become better because that was the promise I've received. When I left the hospital, I assumed things would turn back to how they were before. But it all kept getting worse, you know? When I was told I was going to stay in that hospital, I felt like killing myself on the spot. When I was promised that things would be better, I was disappointed to leave in a worse state than I arrived in. When I got home, I was out on the streets days later. It became a complete opposite illustration of how my life was like prior. Back then, I could study for hours, and now I can't even pick up a book of mine to read for the enjoyment. Back then, I had the capabilities to endure the physical and emotional abuse I was put under, but the second I returned home, it was like it was the first time all over again. Back then, I didn't worry about a roof over my head, or love, but now I'm at my most vulnerable and weakest state, even if I'm eating or smiling, I'm still vulnerable".

The room turned heavily quiet again. Both fighting to find the right words and assuming what the other was going to say.

Neither less to say. Getting that off of his chest was like throwing up after eating a big meal. It brought a form of relief and calmness to him. Like him feeling heard and listened to.

"You feel vulnerable, but you aren't. Not in my eyes. And to be honest, I felt like that, too. You had always seen me as a reckless person who didn't care about overdoses, or failing a class, or getting kicked out. But I always cared a lot about it. Just not in the way anyone would assume. I wasn't afraid of any of the above, I wanted it. I wanted to get kicked out, I wanted to fail, and I wanted to overdose. All that, just to hope my parents would just look in my direction. And I wondered, when and where? School ends next year, I've spent years of my life doing stupid bullshit just for those dickheads to acknowledge my existence. But I've realized it never truly happened, and it hurts so bad" Hajun explained, his eyes brimming with tears that threatened to flow, and Jeongin related to what Hajun said.

Being unwanted and unseen, only to be the spotlight of attention if something extreme and out of the ordinary happened.

"Hajun...why didn't you tell anyone?" He asked, knowing deep down that it wasn't easy, but within himself, he wanted to know how Hajun had managed to go so long..because he knew, that he himself, had a thousand reasons why.

"No one asked. I thought that if I acted like it didn't matter, then it wouldn't matter. But it mattered so much more than what I've shown to people, and it tore me apart".

Jeongin cuddled close to Hajun as he closed his eyes, staring out the window where the stars shone bright at him.

"I'm glad I saw the real you" he whispered, feeling the gentle hand rack through his haid, scratching he head.

"I'm glad you saw the real me".