Thinner

29

Service.
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It wasn't how it used to be. He could feel it in his bones. The way it shook every nerve in his body, the way it held him right around the neck. He hasn't ever felt worse than how he felt at the moment.

Ever since that day, two weeks ago. He knew he genuinely messed up- no..fucked up, the moment the shine in Chan's eyes disappeared. He had waited a whole day to talk to him about it, but Chan never looked his way. Whenever he saw him in the corridor, Chan would instantly walk the opposite way.

It wasn't just Chan.

Hyunjin, too.

For some reason. Neither of them looked or glanced at him for a single second. They just turned away by his presence, as if he was a disgusting parasite.

And sure, as hell, he felt like one.

The fact that all of this was because of a stupid rejection. It felt immature, almost painful to experience even with his eyes closed.

The way they could easily treat him like he meant nothing to them hurt. Not seeing or talking to them properly felt like a kick to the stomach. How they ignored him turned away. Giving the good old cold shoulder. He felt cold without them. They didn't run up to him to catch up with his day. They didn't say good morning or a simple hi. It was as if he didn't exist in their world anymore.

And all of that.

Because of a simple rejection.

"So is there anything you wanna share with me today? Something that's bothering you? Or something you are happy about?".

That's right.

It was one of those days.

At this point, he might as well befriend his psychologist. She was the only one who listened to how he felt.. even if it was her job to do so, he pretended that it wasn't her in that chair. But Chan and Hyunjin.

"Nothing? Is there really jot anything that you want to scream at the world for today?" She asked, shutting her journal shut as she leaned forward. Her eyes clenched gently, as if she was trying to read his soul.

He didn't know at this point.

He wanted to throw his body off of a cliff, hoping his boney wrists would be grasped by some firmer ones. But it was like he couldn't be saved. He felt like drowning the way his body felt so inflated with all this nonsense.

"If you asked me if I would accept a dime for jumping off of a cliff..I would currently do it for free..and without a question" he spoke, feeling like he was crumbling on top of his bed. The skin around his nails was bleeding for how much his scratched and tucked on the dry skin. Feeling his heartbeat fasten as he caught a glimpse of Hyunjin passing by his room.

"If I have to be honest, i think I would ever offer you a single thing or a word for you to jump off of a cliff. I wouldn't wish that upon you" she shrugged, her brows forming into a deep frown as she opened up her journal to write. "Specifically. No one who doesn't want to share anything would speak such words..it's okay to spit it out".

The reassurance broke him all at once. And he wanted to break down in tears from how frustrated he was.

"I don't feel like sharing it".

And yet he refused to share the heartbreaking feelings within him. His eyes dropped to the floor, feeling a sense of self-awareness for once. He felt like shit. He couldn't even stand not being able to converse with the two boys. They were his light of day whenever he wasn't feeling well, and to be ignored as if he never existed to them hurt like a bitch.

"You sure? We have about 10 minutes left...we can stop whenever you'd like" she stated, checking the expensive wrist watch for a second before grabbing the pen and writing words down.

"I'd like to stop now" he mumbled, not wanting to discuss further on any topic with her, whatsoever.

The silence rose between them. And with a small 'okay', his psychologist was out the door. His heart wrenched at the thought of seeing Hyunjin pass by minutes ago. The way the two men would typically stop and observe or smile at home always made his heart melt. But at times like this, it dropped rather quickly.

Regret and guilt have been penetrating through his veins, squeezing through his arteries just to make his heart slow its beating down.

Was this how a heartbreak felt like?

If it was..he certainly did not like that feeling.

Resentment made his blood boil but damp at the same time just thinking about how easy it genuinely was to ignore him. Was saying no such a big crime? If so..why didn't anyone say sooner.

The thing that upset him the most was that he had finally agreed to go outside the hospital with Chan. he had a great time, it was fun, and only Chan and Hyunjin had the ability to even get him outside of this hospital. And yet here he was, wishing he didn't waste that time..cause who knows? Maybe it wouldn't have turned out like this.

Maybe he was the problem. But it didn't matter. He felt betrayed and hurt by such actions... especially because he trusted them both so much.

In fact, he was sure he could pass away safely in their arms without a single moment of suffering..but of course he had to be wrong..he always was nowadays. He wasn't his old self. He wasn't on track anymore. Maybe he completed lost control over himself.

The worst part was being praised for the hard work. But he wished he hadn't proceeded with all of this. He wished he had just lied about his health..he wished he didn't faint in front of his teacher that day.

If he was in his right mind. He wouldn't be following the rules to help him gain weight and to help his mentality strengthen. He knee he had to keep himself under control, and he now saw the consequences of said actions.

He really was a failure.