Thinner

102

Subtrist.
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The time seemed to move on so quickly. After such an unforgettable day, his heart continued to sink every once in a while at the thought of the older popping up into his head. He hasn't spoken much about Hajun after he moved in with Chan and Hyunjin. It wasn't because he thought it was a bad thing. It wasn't because he wanted to move on faster. He just couldn't handle it. He was doing better. He was feeling better. But he wasn't happy, but he wasn't exactly crying rivers each day anymore. It was something in between, not fine, just in between. He still had the clothes, some he wore, others he used to hug while sleeping.

He knew there would be a time and place where he would have to let go. But he wasn't completely ready yet, Hyunjin and Chan reassured him that it was fine, that it was his way of coping. But it just didn't feel okay.

Whatever he did didn't feel okay. It didn't feel okay to be watching Hajun's show without him or drinking his tea without him. It didn't feel right to be cooking food for someone else, especially not Hajun's favorite. He wanted to appreciate all of those things, but when he tried, it didn't feel right. It felt wrong living without him.

The fact he would wake up to experience every morning and a new day without him felt wrong. There were so many wrong feelings, and despite everything about how he felt about it, he kept doing all of the above.

He could maintain normal conversations now with the two men. He spoke to them like he did when everything was fine and when nothing was crumbling. They did what they always did, cuddled, kissed, hugged, watched movies, and went to dinner. But it still felt like he really wasn't living it.

Like an out of body experience. Where everything moved on but him. The world had continued spinning without him. He hasn't caught up yet, really. He hasn't actually left the house. There really weren't reasons to leave either way. He didn't have outside hobbies. He didn't have any friends to meet with. He just had Chan and Hyunjin. He used to have Hajun. But not anymore.

Though, if he had to look positively at things. He found himself enjoying cleaning and was probably the main reason why the apartment stood so clean and fresh looking. There was always fresh air and some song playing on low volume in the background. He had found his love for books, a thing that didn't make him feel guilty. He had read in the past, but now it felt different. Before, it was just something he did once in a while. If he got too tired of staring at a screen or conversing with people. Now, he lived through every word upon the paper pages, words that created stories of tales to tell. He read every day. When he wasn't cleaning, he was reading, and when Chan and Hyunjin weren't there, he was face down in a book.

Things felt more pleasant and manageable when he couldn't let his mind slip into wandering thoughts. He may have distracted himself too much, rather than to face the reality that waved its hands in front of his face. He wasn't acknowledging it. Mainly because he was so tired of spilling tears to someone who wouldn't be able to hear his cries.

Hajun's death has taken a toll on his body. He could see it on Chan and Hyunjin, too. They might not have known him the way he did. But they managed to spend enough time with Hajun to get to know him. He knew Chan enjoyed physical activities with Hajun, like when they swam together in the ocean or when they went on walks at random times of the day. Hyunjin was more laid back with Hajun. Hyunjin would gradually introduce art and photography to the latter. They knew him well enough on the surface level to feel the pain of his passing.

To them, it probably felt more odd than painful.

Jeongin doubted they still felt it. He knew they had moved on quicker than him. Which was more than fine, but he envied that. He still wanted to not find himself shaking at the thought of that day. He wanted the happy memories with Hajun to remain happy and not something to continue falling asleep crying to. He knew there would come a day. He knew it was coming sooner than he would expect because he managed to get this far. Doing day to day activities, building a routine back up, at a new place and time, was a huge step for him.

But he managed to do it. He managed to be comfortable in it. And even if the loss of his only friend still haunted him day by day, it gradually became less severe.

He still remembers the episode that occurred the first week he loved with Chan and Hyunjin. He remembered how he broke down in front of the stove in the kitchen, cooking a meal that resembled the last meal he had cooked for Hajun. It tore him to pieces seeing the way the meat got grilled upon the surface of that pan, the same way it did when he cooked Hajun's final meal. That day, the food burned on the stove while he cried into their arms. It was heart-wrenching, feeling all of that, and he doubted being capable of cooking similar meals in the near future. He knew it would take time, so he let the time fix it.

Their support and reassurance were all he ever needed. Well, almost. All he ever truly needed was for Hajun to still be alive. But that wasn't possible. Their guidance to helping him get himself together each day was heart warming, he couldn't appreciate enough. He loved them, and he will always love them.

All of them, all 3 of them.

Because even if Hajun wasn't there physically. He was still present in his memories, calling him a lazy scumbag for sitting around all that, and that motivated him to go on with his cleaning.

Those caring rude ways that no one could deliver like Hajun was gone now, and he could only remember the days he was told certain words, pretending he had Hajun in front of him, telling him that. Even if he wasn't, it still motivated him, knowing that such words were one of a kind. He kept the memories of them alive.

As if Hajun was alive.
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It's been really depressing in here, so what is you guys favorite fruits?