Thinner

92

Twilight.
______________________

The calm of the night seemed to be deemed the perfect scenario to let his own mind unravel its previous thoughts during the day. His body was relaxed against the cushion of the couch, in front of the small window that overlooked the city beneath him. He could hear the cars driving, the people stumbling home drunken late at this hour, music that blasted from nearby pubs and clubs. But it didn't distract him much. There wasn't much to be distracted by in this environment. Outside of the window, he could also see the clear sky, small dots of light that didn't actually illuminate light upon the small planet he called home they stayed yet bright enough to be seen with much admiration.

His thoughts had been traveling all over the places, reaching areas of his mind he didn't know really existed till he settled down on this couch, listening to all the noise that didn't seem to falter the slightest bit.

He thought about 3 days ago. How he and Hyunjin made love together, how he remembered every detail of their shared night, from the start to the finish, and even just behind the finish line. He remembered his insecurities turning to confidence, how his nervousness turned to pleasure and comfort. He remembered Hyunjin's gentle hands on him, despite the rough treatment he oddly enough found ever so enjoyable and desirable. The marks still hid beneath his shirt, from the sucking and gentle kisses on his body. The bruises he had on his hips weren't made from a negative impact, but rather one that made butterflies turn in his stomach when he saw his hip bones sticking out with marks of sensual intimacy.

The remembrance of coming home and Hajun almost knowing exactly what happened immediately caused a smile to curl upon his face. But the talk with him was the main reason behind that creeping smile. He knew Hajun was trying his hardest to stay afloat during such a difficult time in his life, especially since all his previous coping mechanisms had been pried away from his hold. Jeongin understood the challenge and hardships Hajun was enduring during this specific time slot, and to say he was proud was an understatement. But there really wasn't any other way he could express his feelings for Hajun's hard work.

A simple "I'm proud of you" really wasn't in tune with what he genuinely meant because what he meant sighed far deeper than just the surface level of that.

The tears he cried with Hajun also made his smile widen as he realized the way they showed their vulnerable sides to each other again. Hajun had become more than a best friend than an enemy he dreaded speaking to on a bad day. Hajun was capable of speaking up upon what he was feeling despite knowing the limits to how much he should speak upon such a subject, and that truly but surely shouldn't have surprised him as much as it did.

But it made him realize other things about himself that he really hasn't pain that much attention to.

The amount of food he consumed was closer to what a person should normally eat, didn't terrify him as much as he had anticipated it would. Instead, it made him look at a different point of view that he genuinely hasn't looked at before. With years of staying at the brink of decaying and turning into a literal skeleton, he no longer looked as terrible and unerving to look at when he passed by his own reflection. Sure, still, the insecurities didn't necessarily disappear forever. He still found himself judging his own reflection, the reflection that was simply just made to carry his outside persona when the real him was inside.

But if he had to be honest with himself.

He was becoming more healthy looking, and it, for some odd reason, really tripped with his mindset.

Not that he wanted it to be that way. He wished to be comfortable enough in his own skin that he wouldn't feel as terrible about his own self-worth as he currently and used to do.

Despite the struggles in accepting his change of appearance. He found himself engulfed with three people who genuinely didn't seem to care less about how he looked and more about how well he was feeling, and such things brought him to feel incredibly comfortable around them.

He wanted to cherish this forever.

Having Hyunjin, who had a gentle mind and caring hands to hold him, responding to heated arguments with a calm demeanor, one he wouldn't let falter into a distress and wrathful yell. Chan who fought his hardest to keep in touch with him despite all his stubbornness in disagreeing, and regardless of his own efforts, Chan seemed to have such strong willpower that nothing seemed to tumble his conclusions and choices that he made. And Hajun, the one and only person he wouldn't be feeling offended by if he got called stupid names, or if he got spoken to in a rude manner. Hajun, the person who seemed to be the light of his existence since day one, a person he would never let in his entire life lose.

He had what he had been wanting his entire life. Love. A strong word that his past self would believe impossible to experience. All the effort and hard work he put into being the one and only best version of himself his entire life have blinded him into believing that love was only a thing he could wish for, and not a wish he would be granted. He had believed he would live endlessly with his parents, undergoing the abusive household that didn't have one calm night to let him rest on, all the bottles of pills and packets of cigarettes, flasks of alcohol that layer upon his entry way to his room, because no one bothered to clean up the mess left nights prior.

He made himself believe that if he didn't eat, and if he was skinnier, it would solve the majority of his issues. He coped with starving himself. Doing damage he really didn't believe could become such a big issue until he laid on that bed in that hospital. Although he spoke a lot about the hospital, he didn't always let his mind wander too far into the details about that place. It seemed out of line to suddenly think so heavily about that place. But if he never ended up there, he wouldn't be here. Instead, he would be back at that house, enduring the abuse, back at the school, not being friends with Hajun, and there wouldn't be any Chan or Hyunjin.

Most would call it a sad life. But he didn't believe in that. He might have been born into a broken home, but he managed to find a new and warm home that introduced what love from what seemed to almost all sides of the spectrum really didn't seem like such a sad life.

He struggled. He'd admit that. But even if his past brought him to tears in the night, doubting his own wellbeing, he still knew deep down that a smile could only return to his face.

He used to be afraid of losing everything he had to hold close. But such a fear really didn't exist much in the presence of his mind to this day.

The amount of love he had yet to still receive and give might be a lot. But the amount he had already received and offered was enough for him to truly feel loved by the three men in his life who all had different purposes for him. The appreciation he held for them was something so big and far of the world that he couldn't even touch it with own hands.

He wanted to hold them near his heart forever.