Thinner

57

splendor.
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Hajun wasn't a wrong choice when it came to venting out certain emotions. Yet he still underestimated the other's capability in listening. It was a feeling of guilt and shame that ignited within him when he thought about how badly he actually tends to not see Hajun as a person, despite the numerous times being proven absolutely wrong in whatever mindset he had about the latter.

Hajun was not the type of person to actually judge, despite it seeming like it. Hajun was a whole different breed of masking ones emotions. Hajun constantly came off as cool, emotionless. Someone who couldn't give less of a fuck about what kind of place a person came from. He seemed like the dude to just fuck bitches for a good time.

But in reality, his behavioral issues weren't necessarily only to mask of his own insecurities and difficulties. But it has reached a point where he is no longer himself around other people and has just recently opened up about searching for one safe place where he can portray himself without feeling judgement from the ones surrounding him.

And the fact that Jeongin knew that Hajun had been inevitably chosen him..the one who secretly has judged him the most made the younger feel beyond apologetic for whatever thoughts he has had around the latter.

"You know..when the argument happened with my parents, I felt so...happy? Like, man, I kept pulling at the argument because I felt seen for once they looked at me, they spoke to me. Even if it was a look of disappointment or them screaming their lungs out at me..I felt happy, I felt like I achieved the impossible. I think I would even cry out of happiness if they hit me..I just know if they did hit me, I would take it as a hug..cause it will probably be the only form of physical touch I will ever experience from them..and I feel weird for hoping that would happen when we argued" Hajun spoke, taking a drag from his ignited cigarette.

Jeongin actually took that information with a twisted mindset. He would have preferred his parents to go full off contact from him, and first only managed to get that wish come true when he left that day. But hearing Hajun yearning for just the slightest touch from his parents, whether it came from love or hatred, subconsciously made him tear up.

Their situations laid so differently.

But their wants were the same.

To find love and experience it first hand.

Especially from the ones who were supposed to carry that promise with them till they died.

"But it's probably so fucked up that even if I told a professional about it, they would laugh and call me pathetic for having emotions" he chuckled as he drank out of the bottle on the ground.

They have both previously given up on hiding the alcohol from themselves. The results only end up in pent-up frustration and the need for something to fulfill the emptiness within them.

"It's not pathetic..emotions are valid" he mumbled, his thigh shaking as the cold finally got to him.

"Men are only supposed to want sex and drugs".

"That's your depiction of it. But it really isn't like that..we are capable of loving too..in one way or the other, we will eventually find the right person".

"Sounds like someone's lovesick" Hajun chuckled but certainly did not expect the younger to laugh along with him. "You surprise me everyday Yang".

"Lovesick? I wouldn't necessarily put it like that..I have been loving someone recently, and they have been loving me too. And I'm sure that someday, you will experience your own way of actual love. As hypocritical as it sounds, turn down the drinking and smoking..and really, stop consuming so many drugs..I know that you are coping, but it's not healthy, and I don't really want to lose a friend of mine to an addiction" Jeongin smiled, as he looked up into the polluted sky.

"Friend? You consider me as your friend?".

Jeongin snapped back his head with a smile. He couldn't lie. Even if he did feel certain distrust towards Hajun at times, having him listen to all of his issues and still give great advice was something he never expected the latter to be capable of.

"I've seen you as one ever since that week you let me stay at your place".

"I've never had a real friend before" Hajun whispered as he chucked the rest of the bottle, throwing the heavy glass material harshly onto the ground, startling the younger.

"Hm..I haven't really had one either, actually at school, you were the only one I conversed with" he chuckled as he looked at the shattered glass on the ground.

It was true. He has had no one his entire life, but Hajun to run errands for. Even if back then, it was beyond exhausting, bothersome, whatever he'd would love to describe it. It genuinely also meant that Hajun was the only person he actually has known for the past few years. And that thought wasn't necessarily so comforting.

"Your life sounds boring as fuck to be honest, like how come you never have had any fake friends, like just choosing someone to have fun with for a while before ditching them?".

"Because I'm not that type of person Hajun" Jeongin replied almost immediately when Hajun finished speaking.

"Huh?".

"I used to resent you a lot. Because all you did was consume drugs. You took all the chances you got to either fuck another person, bully someone, or drag a blunt. But for some reason, I was a very appealing target for you..and as much as I like how it brought us close, it just isn't the most appealing start line" Jeongin explained, looking to his side where he only spotted two hooded figures walking their way.

"Am I just a horrible human being then?" Hajun asked, his voice flat, completely unemotional.

"Not necessarily. At least not in my eyes. But some of your coping mechanisms have caused some..disturbing scenes" he mumbled.

"And what if I don't change..would you still be my friend?".

Jeongin sighed. He knew the answer to that. But their talk was uncomfortable and unpredictable. It just made him feel self-conscious about everything. So all he could do was take a deep breath.

"Yes".