Thinner

15

Wheels.
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"We are never doing that again" he breathed out as he stood up from the wheel chair, supporting his hands on his knees.

What he thought would be a rather calm stroll, was a bit too...intense for his expectations. The two boys switched running off with him, they would let go of the chair, push him into walls for fun and generally just mess around with his adrenaline. It was fun, but worrisome at the same time.

Certainly it was all fun and games, but he did lose his breath in certain situations where he needed a moment to catch it. But fortunately for him, they had remorse enough to take his wellbeing into account.

"Blah, blah, blah. Admit you had fun" Hyunjin chuckled, patting his bony back to get his statement across.

"Yeah, it was fun, until you threatened to roll me down the stairs- Oh! In which almost happened" he cleared sarcastically, turning around to look around incase any of his supervisors were around. "Next time I'll just break the rules".

"Let's hope that next time, you won't be at the brink of passing out from walking a certain extent" Chan smiled, walking ahead of the two other boys who simultaneously followed like baby ducklings.

They entered an empty room, with barely any furniture. As both hyuniin and Jeongin followed Chan in sitting down on the older, dusty furniture.

"Incase your supervisors are looking for you" Chan smiled cheerily.

"What's kind of hospital has an abandoned, dusty room?" He asked, feeling the dust imerge into his skin, shivering at the thought of the dirty fabric.

"Many of the nurses and doctors here believes this room isn't able to be at much use, since a child with cancer passed away. It used to be a small chemo room for the younger children to indulge their time in, but one of them passed away in one of these chairs years ago, will undergoing chemo therapy" Hyunjin smiled bitterly, looking around the quite empty room.

"She was 7, on her last chemo run. She ended up going cold in the chair without any one being aware of her body halting. They found her cold and a bit pale when the chemo was over with. The girl was supposed to ring the bell that day, to signify she was done with chemo for good..she never got to even touch it" Chan continued.

Jeongin's mouth was agape, feeling saddened by such a tragic story of such a young girl who could be his age, if not older today..perhaps healthy and happy if someone would have noticed her sooner.

He was at loss for words, sitting still in the chair, not wanting to imagine the chair could possibly have belonged to her.

"A lot of nurses, back then. Was so shocked and also left horrified by the situation, that they could barely enter the room without feeling immense grief upon the girl that passed. So the children were moved to another location close by, only because the impact that incident held on the staff and patients here".

"That's the saddest shit I've ever listened too my whole life" he mumbled, fiddling with his hands.

Now that he was aware, he could actually feel the heavy blanket of grief within the four walls of the room. It could be the unhealthy amount of dust..but purely he believed it wasn't just small clumps of dust. But an actual heavy blanket of sadness and guilt.

"It is sad, how young people like us, dies in sad white rooms, or at home, a place they are supposed to feel comfortable in. It happens every second, but we never have the thought to think about it..until we become aware".

Jeongin felt beyond aware. He has been so caught up with his own health and insecurities that he couldn't see how much help he needed. He felt motivated to try his best, but he was afraid that he would fall quietly like the little girl.

It felt like a spiraling emotion between wanting to dive or wanting to swim to the top, instead of the bottom. It was a conscious mindset yet such a terrifying state that he felt all choked up, wanting to gag on his words as if it was food he was consuming.

Wasting away his years into an unknown illness that he has somewhat been aware off, but in denial off. He has wasted so much time to being better, to be thinner, that he didn't even consider the words Chan spoke. The truth was always nerve wrecking, and it hit hard. But was I supposed to hurt this bad?

"But don't those people sometimes think about letting go?..I sometimes think about giving up, like when I feel not perfect enough for the people surrounding me..or when I try to do best in everything I do..having something stopping me for achieving those makes everything seem so worthless" he spoke, genuinely confused with his own mindset.

At this point he was asking question for himself. He didn't think about the little girl, or the rest of the world. He thought about his own self. He couldn't help it, when he was attached to a tube that was supposed to feed him calories so he'd gain back the weight he celebrated loosing.

"You're sweet" Hyunjin laughed, ruffling the younger's hair gently as if it was supposed to comfort his noticeable spiraling emotion depending within. Even if it didn't work as well as he hoped it would. "But beauty is about finding the right fit, the most natural fit. To be perfect, you have to feel perfect about yourself..avoid trying to be something you're not".

Those words hit deeper than a stone thrown into the sea. His heart sunk, but in a loving manner. The way Hyunjin gently ruffled his hair as he proceeded to share thise caring words, made him feel like he mattered as much as they did, it made him feel cared for and understood. It didn't make his question seem like a stupid one, but an actual question that could be up for debate. And instead of arguing about the truth and the false, he was comforted into oblivion.

"What Hyunjin is saying is that- you don't need to try so hard. You want to be perfect, but you won't earn that before feeling perfect and complete, and with the struggles you currently have, it isn't a possibility to let go and feel fine in your own self. Life is about many possibilities, there's no such need to shorten them"