Thinner

67

Decapitated.
_______________________

"Stop, Chan," Hyunjin warned as he glanced between the two upset men. Arguing back and forth.

"This is so ridiculous. It all is! Jeongin, you can't just run away from everything day and night just because you are afraid of something!" Chan exclaimed loudly, if not frustrated with the whole situation.

"But you know I can't fucking control that, Chan! It's not my fault that I'm scared of every single fucking scenario! That is why I'm distancing myself from you, I'm too afraid".

"I understand that, but maybe instead of putting it to an end, it will be such a waste, darling. Perhaps just say you need some time away, we all know that you need some fresh air to breathe, but putting specifically Chan through ending this thing just isn't the most logical thing to do..and maybe you need to give your friend Chan's number so that Chan can be aware of what's going on at least?" Hyunjin spoke, trying to offer a solution for both parties. But everything seemed to go on deaf ears, and this was his last attempt.

"Hajun would never agree to that, let alone give a fuck about texting informatively to someone. It's useless, Hyunjin, I can't be me right now. The only thing I get from sitting in a car with you two is stress".

It hurt so badly to even shy away from the two older men. But his heart couldn't stand having all the let downs and meltdowns, and it hurt so badly just to be in such a position.

He loved them, and he will always continue to love them. But Hyunjin was right. He needed a break from them. He needed fresh air.

A wound wouldn't heal without air.

Physically and emotionally.

And it just so happened that I was not just one deep scar in his heart that haunted him at night..It felt like a thousand, if not millions.

His body was tired, worn down. All to the point that he was afraid he wouldn't wake up the next morning. The pressure for him to eat something didn't make the outcome of the situation better.

The worst part?

It continued to be the fear of failure. Failing another person, failed him more, failing a subject in class, failed him more. Failing to continue to eat, failed him more. It all just yelled right back to him. 'You are a failure'.

"I know it's difficult-".

"Damn right it fucking is. Imagine perhaps being the cause of your own fucking death?! Maybe think about how it's like to be me being the cause of my own drowning..imagine getting so sick of people wanting to rescue you, people who have all the right resources to help. But it doesn't matter what resources there is to help me, it won't ever work if people keep staying, commanding I should do all sorts of stuff that is not only mentally but fucking physically impossible for me to do. I want the best for me too, but I can't give myself that, not in this state. Healing takes time, and you have failed to acknowledge that everyone has failed to remember that!".

He lost control of his emotions, and his eyes were pouring with an unlimited amount of emotions. He knew deep down that all Chan and Hyunjin wanted for him was the best and best only. But his heart was sinking into an abyss so dark and cold that he genuinely felt like he was sitting in front of his parents again, suffering their cold stares, even if the two men looked at him lovingly.

The lecture of his life so far has been nothing but fearing people and the worst outcome. The trauma that lingered from the abuse and abandonment scarred more than just his flesh when the bottle hit his head. He couldn't relate to what the men were feeling. He couldn't relate to what they were saying. He could only try his best to understand, but even that felt impossible.

"I'm worn out...please just understand that I am at the brink of giving up on everything. Everything felt fine before the hospitals influenced my treatment. I never wanted it to begin with, and I know it was for the best. But imagine going along your whole life, getting forced and demanded to constantly be and do something, and the moment you finally meet someone who doesn't put those types of pressure on you, you become a happy and smiling person. But it hasn't happened yet, and I'm trying my hardest to make that happen...trust me when I say I don't hate you. Trust me when I say that I wish I could stay with you, in your arms, snuggled close. But I can't, because I'm trying to do what's healthy for me..and this is not healthy and I told you that before it turned out to be us three this way" he sobbed, trying to for once verbally express himself calmly. But his head was pounding, and he still felt like yelling and scolding them for all of this.

But he refused to put the burden of this situation on them. He didn't have it in his heart to do that.

"If we say for a month-" Hyunjin spoke but got interrupted by the latter
Who sighed heavily.

"Hyunjin, please? Don't say what I think you are about to say" Chan almost begged on his knees, not wanting what Hyunjin was about to say to be said out loud.

But it only piqued to younger's curiosity.

"I'm sorry, Chan..but, Jeongin, what if for like a month..you spend your time taking a break from all of this, and we will meet up, try and talk things through again, and see if you feel better or if you need more time?" Hyunjin proposed. Looking with eyes big like a dear.

Jeongin could see the hope in his eyes. The way beneath the surface of them screaming for him to agree and just try it.

And maybe then..he could see a whole different perspective on the situation. But then again, what if he failed to do that?