Thinner

96

Ataraxia.
______________________

It's been about a week since their small getaway trip to the countryside. A week since he went official with Chan and Hyunjin. It felt different, almost odd in some kind of way. It wasn't a waiting game anymore like it used to be. It was actually official. They didn't chase each other in hopes and desire. They didn't kiss each other for longing. Now, they embraced and kissed each other for the sole purpose of celebrating a whole week of being in a relationship together, and soon, eventually, it will be a month, then a year, then 5 years, then 10 years.

That's what he had at least promised himself. He wanted to stay with them forever.

Because of their new founded relationship, Jeongin was slowly preparing to move back in with Chan, with Hyunjin following along. But due to certain circumstances, Jeongin wasn't fully prepared yet.

He still had an eye out for Hajun. Leaving Hajun to deal with recovery on his own could be detrimental. So he chose to stay by his side. Hajun meant so much to him, and he could only do so much to prove his care and appreciation for him. Hajun has been there for him in his darkest and lowest times. He could only repay that favor by being there for him during this difficult era.

Chan and Hyunjin, despite agreeing with his decision, decided to go back to their regular everyday lives while he stood back and stayed with Hajun.

He was now cooking for Hajun 3 times a day. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. He spent time playing games with him, going on walks with him, and watching movies with him. Everything they used to do, but now he was sober.

"You've slept late?" He said as he sat beside the older, whose hair stuck out in all directions, from right to left, front to back, knots and tangles prominent in his dark brown strands. His eyes were red and puffy as if he had been crying for hours, none stop.

"I didn't sleep till 7 am" Hajun mumbled as he held a cup of herbal tea up towards his lips, sipping quietly on the bitter yet healing liquid.

He knew not to pry further into the subject. He shouldn't be giving Hajun's lessons on how to sleep and when he went to bed. He could only encourage it. But there wasn't a need for prying.

"My father called last night" Hajun stated, holding the cup near to his chest as he kept his eyes closed.

The sentence alone made Jeongin feel unsettled. Hajun's parents never cared about his existence unless they wanted something from him, which was rare. But it was just as worrying as it was rare.

"My father has been investing a lot of money into an industrial company that he now can place under the company as a sub-category in the industrial marketing department. And he wants me to be present when the agreements are signed" Hajun explained. His whole body language screamed tense as he remembered back to the conversation he had with his father.

"I think you should say no to that" Jeongin quickly jumped in, his posture straightening while his face kept a small frown evident for Hajun to see.

"I told him I was in no place to be available in the near future, and he just told me that whether I showed up or not wouldn't change his disapproval of me" Hajun voiced, laced with an emotion not often found in his tone of choice, as if he was preparing for a round of tears to stream down his face like rivers flowing through rocks. "Am I such a big waste of time?".

"You are definitely not a waste of time, Hajun. You did the right thing in denying that request. As you said yourself, you are not in the right kind of place, right now to be focusing on being present somewhere you shouldn't necessarily be" Jeongin explained, finding the unimportant request to be a waste of Hajun's time and emotions.

It felt even more mind-blowing to him that Hajun's father would call at such a late hour, potentially disturbing someone's sleep, to ask a meaningless question that didn't even deem important if the latter presence mattered. Just the pure intolerance to such illogical thinking made him feel upset to sit next to a bewildered Hajun, who, along with that, seemed distressed by the lack of sleep.

That alone showed the intentions of Hajun's father's disinterest in the wellbeing of his son. The fuel to be added to the fire became thicker the more he just thought about the odd situation.

"I feel so worthless to them. As if I'm nothing but a thing for them to stand by, and I'm not even necessary. I'm not important in any means, but they want me to be there like a doll with no expression on my face, but they don't care if I'm there. It really doesn't make sense. They have stupid expectations of me that they don't even want to be fulfilled but only need to have for the sake of their stupid image that they eat for dinner. And everything they do, everything they say, matters to everyone because they are so important, but I am not. And if I'm not important, then why should I even get asked to be there, if my presence wouldn't be welcomed, why am I constantly reminded of the family I am forced to be a part of, but can't participate with. It's like they ask me to just make sure I haven't died from an overdose or killed in a random fight I would pick with strangers. And they would only care if I died to make sure their image wouldn't get ruined by it. And I am so fucking tired of them giving me all these confusions because I don't even understand it myself when it all makes sense" Hajun ranted, his breathing heavy as he sat the cup down on table, leaning back against the cushion, seeming defeated by everything surrounding him.

Jeongin was beyond just taken by surprise at the huge load that came from Hajun's mouth. The overall tension that flooded the air was thickening as both their wrathful mindsets spiked a nudge with every word that they spoke and with every thought that they came across.

"I am really nothing".