Thinner

23

Dignity.
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"Do you wanna talk about it?".

The question seared his brain. He couldn't help but nuzzle his face deep into the embrace of the taller, who rubbed comforting circles on his back. It was a sweet attempt in distracting him, though it didn't work the way he hoped it would have.

This whole day has been nothing but meetings and talking from a professional point of view. And no that his father knew his location and why he was submitted to the hospital, he felt more insecure than ever before.

"Is Chan still at physical therapy?" He asked, looking up at the older. He found his gaze so enticing and beautiful that he wanted to squeeze his cheeks so hard with his palms.

"I think so. He didn't get the chance to escape today like he typically would".

He sighed in response, feeling himself frown at the thought of Chan not being available. He loved Hyunjin's presence. It was nice having him around. But he wanted Chan, too. He actually missed the older..if not all of them together.

His father was still present at the hospital, still trying to convince the doctors to take him him. Yet, even if he has wished that too many times before. He didn't necessarily want it to actually happen. He was afraid to get hurt, and both places weren't his home. Never before has he felt this stressed out.

"They are still having a meeting..I'm glad I got permitted to leave in the middle of it, I couldn't stand seeing and hearing the professional arguments back and forth" he complained, allowing his head to rest against the latter's chest breathing in his cologne.

"I'm sure you can have the opportunity to speak up one day, I believe they just want to keep you safe for now..and maybe some day, when you're out of here, you won't have to go back to them again" Hyunjin smiled, rubbing his thumbs gently against the nape of Jeongin's neck.

"That's the part that hurts.. I don't want to go back, but I'm afraid if I don't.. I won't ever get my final goodbye" his voice wavered as he breathed out the words that hurt to admit. His heart sank a bit as he realized that maybe it was the final destination. To say goodbye and enjoy his life somewhere else.

"Some goodbyes aren't meant to he said. Some shouldn't be mentioned. But in the long end, we realise that it isn't near as bad as we anticipated".

"But what if the goodbye is sincerely important to you?" He asked, looking up into Hyunjin's eyes. He watched as the pair of orbs stared back into his eyes with a conflicted look.

He could feel the seriousness in the room intensify. He could feel his bones shake at the mere thought of not gaining an answer to his question. He was afraid he would sound stupid, if not fucking pathetic. And it hurt in a way when the time flew by between his last question, to when they were just sitting and staring at one another.

The way the grib around his back loosened and the pair of eyes went in a different direction made his heart sink so softly he almost didn't feel it. Yet nothing went unnoticed by it, but he wasn't feeling directly hurt. He was just disappointed.

"I don't know love..I genuinely don't know. I've never grown up around negative personalities. I'm sorry" he whispered gently.

"Are you upset?".

"No, I'm just thinking. I can't imagine the pain that you went through to get here. It pains me knowing someone I truly care about hasn't been able to reach for the right help till you collapsed..I hope you get better soon, love, you deserve so much more than what you believe".

Now that.. could bring a river flowing through his eyes.

"How can you believe in me so much when I'm not even able to do that by myself?" He whispered, feeling like he lost his voice for a moment out of pure sincerity. How his heart wrenched in purity from the latter's kind words. It all felt too good to be true.

"It's not about believing, sweetie. It's about knowing. I know you are capable of standing independent in the future, even if it scares the shit out of you. I know you are able to heal from the demons that had invaded your precious mindset. I know you are capable of everything you set your mind to. And that is so much more than just believing" he smiled, lifting the boy back into his embrace, caressing the soft exposed skin. "And I am 100% sure that no one knows more about you than yourself".

Hyunjin was right. How could anyone know anything about himself than he could? He was the one who truly knew his own emotions and understood them precisely, even if it hurt to know about one's emotions, it wasn't that he needed to deny them all the time like he used too.

Even if pain hurt physically and emotionally, he had come to the point that he couldn't expect less from himself and other people. He didn't need people to tell him how to feel. He needed to tell people how he actually felt. Or else he wouldn't move forward.

But it had a catch. What if people didn't respect his emotions? What if they turned a blind eye to his feelings?

"You can do it. You are strong, mentally. For enduring such things your whole life".

"But I don't feel strong..I just feel weak, as if I'm going to pass out the second I my feet in the right direction" he mumbled, expressing his fear sincerely as he snuggled closer to the older.

"Fear is just fear. Fear fears itself when someone tries to overcome it. Don't let the fear be afraid of you becoming stronger. You shouldn't be afraid of yourself".