Thinner

66

Sacredness.
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It felt so surreal for him to face the older after the situation. And the mere fact that this time he had actually mustered up the courage to talk with Chan about their situationship, felt like a big step for him. He knew that the worst part was that this wasn't on his bucket list. He was supposed to be finding new clothes to wear, and yet he failed to accomplish that goal. He probably had to go back into that mall to try all over again, which to him sounded like a complete nightmare.

For him, everything felt hopeless. Every single damn thing went in the complete wrong direction. He has lost so much weight again, and he felt beyond guilty for not keeping up with his dieting goal. He hasn't been capable of looking at himself in the mirror and admits that he was beautiful in a long time. The hospital didn't change that. The hospital could never change that.

So, for him to even be capable of standing in the early spring weather, with just a hoodie he borrowed from Hajun, and some thin sweatpants that didn't do anything but hide his hideous body.

Of course, he felt insecure about every single thing he had done and was doing. He even felt insecure about meeting up with Chan. Let alone sit in his car. It made him feel so self-conscious, so filled with anxiety and pure guilt.

He loved Chan.

And he will continue to for a long time.

But he simply wasn't ready for what he was put through.

He simply wasn't adjusting to anything.

And the part that hurt him the most? Not feeling the love from Chan like he had anticipated.

Even if he felt comfortable and safe in Chan's apartment. It still felt cold. It felt like his home only seemed to be in Chan's heart and not the four walls with a roof.

"I hope you don't mind that I brought Hyunjin with us" the sudden voice pulled him out of the train of seemingly endless thoughts, gathering his attention to the car, in which both Chan and Hyunjin sat in.

Their serious orbs screwed a hole in his mind. Feeling completely empty-headed the moment he even locked eyes with them.

He didn't say much and reluctantly sat in the backseat of the car. His face was stern like a rock, but his palms were just as sweaty as the sea. And his eyes were dry like the Sahara desert. He was feeling so many physical emotions that he lost count of who he was with. Almost breaking down in tears, but they failed to even appear.

"Jeongin, I'm sorry for what happened. I should have been more careful with my words, and I shouldn't have snapped back at you like that" Chan started, starting the engine and driving the opposite direction of the mall he previously left.

"I..personally don't think you genuinely mean that apology" he replied, not looking at the men, just staring out the window.

His own world was collapsing before his eyes, and he was still without a warm home, wondering when the search would end.

"No, I really mean it".

"Then why don't I believe you? Why am I feeling that there is more lying beneath all of this".

The car went completely silent. Hyunjin glanced back at him, with soft eyes. But Jeongin could only shake of that pair of eyes.

"Please don't start Jeongin, I just want to talk".

"No, you don't just want to talk, Chan. You only want to settle this down so you don't have to constantly think about my well being all of the damn time, so that you can focus on every single other thing, only to go back to me and direct me to be all sorts of things!" He exclaimed. The feeling of his blood boiling didn't cool him off either. It geared him up, and he felt nothing but hurt.

"Because I want you to be healthy?! Is that too much to ask for Jeongin?! I am there for you and have always been there for you. But you constantly shut me out of your space! And what am I supposed to do?! Just watch you as you wither away into dust or what?".

"Imagine it being your fucking self withering away in front of your own fucking eyes! But you don't understand that, because you haven't been there! Everything that people want me to do is to eat, because if I eat, I'm healthy, if I eat, I'm cured. The things that people want from me is to go back like how I used to be, because if I were that, I wouldn't be bothering anyone. If I were that, people wouldn't know, that I am drowning and going to combust at the same time. You haven't walked a day in my shoes Chan, you haven't been the one traveling miles by fucking feet to get away from your own fucking parents because you were born into a broken home! You haven't been the one forced into the hospital because you finally couldn't stand upon your own fucking two feet! You will never ever fucking understand me, because you fucking refuse to acknowledge the fact that I am a fucking human being who is trying their damn fucking hardest to satisfy the people around them! You are like everyone else in my life! Another person that I'm trying my hardest to satisfy without any fucking acknowledgement! So no, you don't understand shit Chan. And no, you don't mean that apology because you truly don't fucking know me! You wake up everyday and see you own reflection in the mirror, and the only fucking thing that you could think of, is what you have to get done by that day! While I am staring into the same fucking mirror, contaminated by my own fucking mindset about my body, because the only thing people have been doing lately, is fucking obsess over my physical appearance, more than I ever have fucking done! And that says a lot of fucking shit about all of you! So spare me the damn fucking details, spare me the shitty explanations. Because you are like one another, thinking of the same fucking thing day and night!".

Everything was dizzy because he didn't managed to take breath between each sentence he screamed at the older. The older who only sighed heavily in distress, not knowing what to respond to such a meltdown.

And Jeongin didn't mind that. Because he didn't care what Chan had to say. He didn't care what was on Chan's mind.

"Jeongin, you need to take some deep breaths. You're hyperventilating" Hyunjin mumbled gently, trying to reach out for the younger's hands. But Jeongin did anything but obey.

"Listen, all I want is for you to come back to my place. It's the least you could do. I don't know where you are, Jeongin, and I am worried sick about you, so just stop fucking running away when a small inconvenience occurs-".

"Chan, we need to end whatever that's going on between us" he muttered in a scratchy voice, gladly taking the water Hyunjin provided for him.

"This is fucking ridiculous".

"Innie, think about it for a moment" Hyunjin sat further up, staring at the younger who struggled to keep his composure. "And you too, Chan..I know the both of you have been on difficult terms with each other. Perhaps being a bit more honest with each other could help the complications between the two of you" Hyunjin gently confronted, keeping his hand on Jeongin's thighs.

"Hyunjin, I really appreciate the effort you put into this..but I think I need a break from Chan, and I'm sure he subconsciously needs a break from me too..I already texted my friend, and if you could drive me back to his place, then that would be nice, because he's waiting on me".