Thinner

68

Jester.
______________________

He failed to do that. And he failed to see a different perspective. Maybe he was just upset. Engulfed in madness even. But there was this guilt, a relying form of guilt that pooled inside of his stomach. Throbbing and throbbing like it was beating as fast as his heart to keep the circulation of life going within him. The guilt of failure. The guilt of admitting to the failure to him, which felt like a mistake, probably is the given reason he was so afraid of it.

His whole life, he has been taught that failures were mistakes you shall apologize for. That is the reason behind the grooping guilt that would haunt you at night. Failur to him equals mistakes. Mistakes to him equals guilt.

Typically, he would believe that one shall feel guilt and shall apologize.

But there wasn't something to apologize for in this. And he couldn't see the reason as to why he should mutter those two words that formed and utterly short sentence.

'I'm sorry'.

What was he sorry for? What was he apologizing so badly for? Why should he be left constantly thinking about everything?

If he didn't apologize, it would still be a failure, still be a mistake, and still be guilt.

If he did apologize, it would still be a failure, still be a mistake, and still be guilt.

It will just turn out to be the same thing. A repeating cycle that choked one's unconsciousness. A cycle similar to his eating disorder.

A cycle in which good things happen for a reason, and bad things happen for a reason.

But logically thinking.

What was good in this situation was what was bad in this outcome?

If he apologized, it would be the same as the statement prior to this. It was useless. Many would say not to compare such things as one's life to one's obstacles. But life was threaded with the lines of punishing obstacles, one specifically made exclusively for each and every single person breathing the same oxygen as his.

So when he said that, it all was the same. It genuinely was. Everything was just worded differently.

His eating disorder was the same. He didn't like to eat the meals prepared for him in advance, but he still did, and that made people happy and less stressed about his wellbeing. If he apologized, even if he didn't need or want to, people would still be happy and satisfied, less stressed.

But if we turned the tables around.

If he didn't eat the meals prepared for him in advance, people would be worried, upset, and disappointed in him. And if he didn't apologize, people would once again be disappointed in him, like he once again made a mistake.

So where are we going with this? Is it just a stupid conclusion that states that apologies are for scared and frightened cry babies who seek warmth in the tiniest of things, even in front of a bigger and clearer picture? Or does this, logically, make sense?

It did.

But.

It didn't.

And connecting the many red threads around the dots to guide him towards a newer answer, he still felt like the dislocated body part in this situation.

"Bro, let me tell you one thing, and one thing only. You always wonder how I have the mindset that I have. You always look at me with a twisted look to try and identify what is going on in my mind. Is exactly what others are doing to you. They wonder how they can fix you, help you, and make feel like something other than the skeleton they see walking into class every day. You need to knock that away. They don't know you like you do. They don't understand you like you do. If they don't see that right fit for you, then that just mean you aren't the right fit for them and are more suitable for something else. No one in this world is capable of the impossible, so don't chase it. It will only leave you wondering where you left the last piece" Hajun spoke as he assumingly got tired of looking at the boy's heavy frown in the heavy, silent living room.

But to his honest surprise, Hajun spoke something that made sense.

But there was a loophole that he managed to catch..and he always managed to find them.

"But what if I am the right fit, but it's just a tight squeeze?".

Hajun gave him a difficult look. The kind of look that seemed to have a questionable answer lying behind it. But Hajun wasn't the type to lie. He wasn't just a liar. He may be a douchebag. But not a liar. So, what was the truth that Hajun hesitated to speak upon?

"If I shall be honest, Jeongin. I think we both deep down know that it has nothing specifically with you or them to do. It's about the disorder and your past. You are still suffering. You are still drowning in front of people's eyes. And those people, instead of reaching a hand out to help you, they try to talk to you, and then they wonder how you come not respond to their efforts. You never received the right help to begin with because you never voluntarily wanted the help. You only needed it. You never consented to be attached to beeping machines. Instead of a successful outcome, you have been put under more stress than you came in with. And quite frankly, I may aswell add that you never looked as shitty before compared to now..I'm just saying" Hajun chuckled at the end as he handed the unlit blunt to the younger to hold for a second, just having gotten done rolling the pen.

Jeongin glanced over at the distracted older. With a confused expression. He knew his health was a tragedy to him. But should it really affect the people around him? Was it really his fault that he couldn't stand up and get his ass together?

"But I still love them..I just you know, needed a break. I guess I'm just afraid that I'm going to be left in complete pitch black darkness again".

"Man. You will never, and I mean never, get to love them the way you want without healing first. It doesn't mean you are at fault. But some people don't understand mental health, some people don't understand how it's important to someone to stay in rather than go out. When a person is mentally suffering, it is not fit for them to be in a relationship. They have enough challenges to face daily, and having to think about a significant other is stressful. If you want to go back to them, you need to heal first..and in other to heal, you need to put in as much strength as you possibly could to recover..or else you might not ever see them again" Hajun pointed out, snatching the blunt back from the younger who just stared into pure nothingness.

Hajun was right.

He always was right.

He will never get to face Chan nor Hyunjin again with the idea of starting a new chapter. If he was still stuck on the prior pages. He knew he needed to get himself together and to start bettering himself. He knew he needed to be for once, be the reason behind his recovery, and let the people demand if they wanted to slip away from him.

It was the realization that his constant mindset revolving around food had kept him distracted from people who spent up their time on him, for nothing but a sad boy that was as fragile as porcelain.

And perhaps, a change of heart. A change of mindset, even. Could or would help him reach his final destination.

A place he felt at peace.