Thinner

63

Insurance.
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His fork stabbed the crispy potatoes on his plate for the fifth time during dinner. His eyes seemed concentrated on his still full plate of food, which was getting cold and dry by each second that passed since he received the generous plate of food. He could hear the other two pairs of utensils scratching and stabbing food on the other two plates beside him. The sounds of chewing and munching threw him off negatively. His eyes darted slightly back and forth between the two others sitting beside him, wondering when this nightmare, also known as dinner, would end.

His breath was hitched as the silence felt beyond just heavy for him. It was suffocating.

Ever since he came home earlier today, he had done nothing but put sugar-coated lies down Chan's throat. He felt like a complete idiot. A pathetic piece of shit who couldn't even tell the one person he trusted the most about how horrible his day has been. But the other part of him knew he couldn't just tell Chan he ditched classes to smoke cigarettes..he couldn't even tell Hyunjin that.

He felt guilty for lying to the two of them, mainly Chan, who was the one he kept the most secrets from.

"Hyunjin, could you give me and Jeongin a second?" Chan spoke as he swallowed down the last piece of food he had left on his plate.

The younger felt his anxiety spike as he looked towards Hyunjin, who stood up and replied with a short "yes." Leaving for the guest room quietly.

"Jeongin-".

"I really don't feel like talking, Chan," he muttered, standing up from his seat as he stepped away from the kitchen table uncomfortably.

He knew Chan wanted the best for him. He knew that Chan just wanted to talk. But he didn't have that in him, at least not now.

Even if Chan was like an angel sent from heaven, it still felt like he was stuck in a void, trying to pull him further into hell.

And he hated it.

"Please eat" was all that Chan stated as he grabbed his wrist to stop him from walking away.

Jeongin gulped dryly as he shook from the words, his eyes watering as he looked back at Chan.

"I wish it was as easy as you telling me too."

"I know..but I mean it. As tiring as it is to hear me beg for you to consume just the tiniest bit of food daily..it also hurts me seeing the one that I adore the most of in this world dissappear into thin air on a daily basis".

He wanted to cry. He wanted to just suck it up and tell Chan that he wasn't being good at anything at all. He couldn't be honest with him, even if he believed that he could trust the latter with his life. But his heart ached when his own disorder spoke for him.

"I don't want to eat. It's my body. I can treat it however I want. What does it even matter to you" he spoke harshly with his eyes closed, not even being able to keep eye contact when spitting those harsh words at the older who just wished the best for him.

He could feel that his own words and actions had an effect the moment that Chan let go of his wrist.

He felt like a horrible human being.

"It matters a lot to me because I love you..but I don't like seeing you like this, all dazed out of your mind. You are shrinking before my own fucking eyes, and it hurts for me to see and-".

"Don't you think I'm not fucking hurting enough right now? I'm not doing good at all, and I wish I had told you sooner instead of portraying everything to be fucking fine all of the time. I hate myself, and I hate my life. There is no reason for anything to spin around if I can't follow up" he raised his voice, feeling the pent-up frustration being released from the bottle within him. His eyes dropped the salty tears that would stain his face later.