Thinner

28

Air.
________________________

It wasn't cold at all for him, compared to how he expected it would be. He wore a nice puffy jacket and a knitted beanie to keep him warm. And he was wrapped in 2 layers of blankets while Chan pushed him down the streets.

It was still raining a bit, but it was rather dusty than direct droplets. They had stopped by many shops and streets, talking and conversing like any other person that existed, ignoring the fact that they would have to return to the hospital before dinner.

He didn't realize that being out could be so therapeutic. In a way of sense where he felt his own body in different ways, it wasn't hurting nor overwhelmed with surroundings. His body felt relaxed and warm, and last but not least..happy.

All this fear about stepping foot outside has always been ridiculous. He actually enjoyed this. If he had known, he would have done it sooner. It made him realize how many times he has kept himself away from enjoyment and happiness due to his mental health. It saddened him, knowing that many people felt the same way. Not wanting to go out is different from being afraid of the outside world. In the end, he realized he wasn't a tiny bit scared and actually felt safe by Chan's side. There was no way people could be a threat to him when he had him by his side. Nobody could hurt him..right?

"Why didn't I do this sooner" he spoke, staring ahead of him as he watched the streetlight pass by slowly. It felt pleasing to fill his lungs with fresh air. It felt comforting, being pushed around in a chair by someone who didn't complain about his condition.

"You just needed a push. I'm happy I managed to finally convince you. It would be a waste to let a pretty boy like you rotten up in a hospital room, completely isolated" Chan smiled down at the boy.

But Jeongin couldn't see the way Chan looked at him with admiration. He couldn't see how loving his smile was. But he indeed could focus on a specific word that made him blush so hard. He looked like a tomato.

"P-pretty?" He stuttered, feeling devastatingly embarrassed for stuttering. But he felt so damn flustered that he felt his ears ring in pure bliss. "You think..I'm pretty?" He corrected his choice of words, feeling his heart beat with happiness.

He did find both Chan and Hyunjin extremely attractive, physically but most importantly, personally as well. They were so caring that it made him feel so safe around them. Nothing in the world could describe the security they made him feel.

"Who doesn't? The first time I met you, I couldn't help but find you adorable. The way you spoke and presented yourself was so different and spectacular in a way that made me feel like I've known you for years. And when you passed out the first time i met you, I felt this form of sincere emotions that I have to look out for you. So I stayed till you woke up, even if I wasn't allowed in the room with you" Chan explained, entering a dark park where they could converse more privately.

"I...didn't know you felt that way about me..I guess I'm just oblivious to people who show the slightest interest in me. Not because I don't feel the same way, but because I'm generally distracted by my own thoughts" he sighed, feeling upset withbjimself for not noticing Chan's admiration earlier.

He was afraid Chan had been jealous of Hyunjin due to the amount of hugs and cuddles they shared. He hoped it wouldn't affect their friendship.

"To be honest..that's my fault. I haven't been completely obvious towards you with my feelings. I kept them still since he couldn't find a proper way to start..I guess I felt like confessing somewhere else than the hospital?" He questioned himself but chuckled at his own response.

"Away from Hyunjin, too? Is that why you took me out?".

"No. Actually...Both me and Hyunjin have been wanting to confess..at the same time.." Chan smiled, grasping the younger's hands in his. "Let's say that..sharing is caring?".

"You want to share me?" He asked in surprise, staring at the older with wide eyes.

"Is saying yes too early?" He grinned, making the younger frown.

In reality, he didn't come to the hospital for a clichè love romance between 2 different people. And yet here he was, crumbled up in such a mess. He didn't know how to react. He knew he wasn't there for love. He knew he wasn't prepared for a romantic relationship. But at the same time, he felt that the feeling was mutual. He felt the same way. He loved them more than just friends. He considered them his crushes. But he couldn't be ready to commit to such things, not whilst being in the hospital undergoing such treatments.

But at the same time.

His heart sank.

He was genuinely afraid that he would lose Chan and Hyunjin if he halted everything. Just because he specifically wasn't ready. Fear of turning them down was worse than the fear of being turned down. The way both Chan and Hyunjin made him feel couldn't be described better than the word 'home'.

"Maybe it is.." he mumbled, trying to lean back comfortably in the wheel chair. Feeling anxious and afraid of the rejection, he was going to give Chan.

He saw the soft grin falter off of Chan's handsome face. Feeling guilty as he hung his head low.

"I'm sorry..I kind of hoped the feelings were mutual" he sighed, clasping his hands together, and his tightened his posture, not sparing a glance of the younger who fought back tears.

"Listen...it's not that my feelings aren't mutual..I know that I do find both of you attractive personally and physically. But I'm not ready to commit..I mean, we are all in the hospital..and to be quite frankly honest, you are the only one out of the three of us, who is genuinely moving forward with your physical health..I think i just need the right time, I can't jump into stuff, especially not in a place where I'm supposed to focus on everything else but a boyfriend" he explained himself, trying his best not to sound insulting even if he could hear Chan's heart shatter by his words.

"I get that...maybe it's just better if we forgot this conversation existed" he smiled bitterly, looking at his phone before standing up. "It's almost dinner time, let's go back" He spoke, pushing the boy forward, who kept his head low.

But Jeongin stopped and looked at Chan for a moment, making the older halt his movement with a small frown.

"Thanks for taking me out Chan..I really appreciate it, I haven't smile like this in a long while" he smiled, earning a soft nod before they continued on, in pure silence, both suffering within themselves, wanting to speak up.

But neither mastered the courage to speak their true emotions.