Thinner

97

Discombobulated.
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"Hajun? Are you awake?" He asked out as he entered the dark, warm, and humid bedroom. He could only just make out the small shape protruding from the blanket that covered the body he was calling out for.

The darkness of the room made it difficult to see much. But he could easily make out the mess and the things that were scattered ever so randomly around the floor and on the bed that held the presence he wanted contact to. The window in the room has been closed for far too long to give proper clean and fresh air to inhale, the heat coming from the radioter beneath the closed window felt warm enough for an uncomfortable heat and sweat to break out upon one's body.

It didn't help when the one he seeked contact to remained still and seemingly unconscious beneath the amount of bedding the layer upon their body. The silence was just as heavy as the heat and air in the room, and Jeongin could only assume Hajun had another bad night.

It had simply been 5 days since the unexpected phone call took place. Jeongin could feel the other being at his absolute lowest level of mentality after such a meaningless call that carried so much weight on it. It really didn't matter how unimportant the general call was when the whole scenario was being flipped, and he now had who he considered his dearest friend, burrowing beneath sheets to hide away the pain and emotions that Hajun never seemed to want out of his own head.

Jeongin, with the knowledge of Hajun's past and behavior, could only feel the energy shift in the other's accomplishments. It was like it no longer mattered how far Hajun had made it, now seemed to be the only thing that preoccupied their thoughts so much that both felt heavy with thought and feelings that one couldn't express to one another.

Despite past hurdles and harsh encounters, the present only held so much in store to ruin another person's behavior and general day to day life.

Hajun wasn't up in the mornings drinking tea while slumping against the couch to watch another episode of his favorite ongoing show. Now Hajun was crumbling on a bed, with no proper meal in 5 days, with no seeing the daylight or drinking his tea, or watching his show. It was like he was grieving a loss without a word spoken.

The sleep that Hajun has been lulled by the past couple of days has been so intense that it could be considered hibernating. The overall lingering emotions in the air stayed so heavy that breathing was a difficult task to do near such a fragile person.

"Hajun, are you here?" He asked out again, never stepping further into the dark room.

He genuinely did not want to cross certain and unsaid boundaries at such an emotional stage. He knew Hajun would say if he needed physical contact or closure, and he wouldn't want to intrude with his own distress being present.

Never gaining a response, he left the room quietly with a sigh. The pit formed in his stomach as he picked up the few grocery bags to put on the counter, feeling more and more restless at the thought of Hajun's family being so disoriented that it ruined a whole person's wellbeing from such a simple and short call that shouldn't matter the way it does in Hajun's family.

It was confusing to understand the dynamics of that relationship. Of course, he experienced similar behavior from his own parents. But there were still differences between similar cases, and that was the fact that no one was the complete same type of person. A personal point of view can't change what happened one day 3 years ago. And a personal opinion can't argue against someone's personal experience with trauma.

So, with his own body and mind becoming clouded with his own unwanted memories, he couldn't help but let small tears escape from the corner of his eyes.

He wanted to be there for Hajun so badly. Not being able to get a hold of him in these situations broke his heart a lot. And he knew better to let his emotions dwell him into confusion and beliefs he really couldn't handle thinking about, but the comfort from thoughts that drilled through his mind so fast it ignited fire within him, became so pleasing that he really couldn't do better than to just sob.

It was horrible indeed, and the self torture that he mentally inflicted on himself was bringing him down further than the gates of hell. His eyes got blurry from the liquid piling up, spilling all of his unspoken wordles and doodles, as he could only continue on with the chore of unpacking everything physical in front of him, as he let his emotions out at a moment that he wouldn't speak of in the future.

The mere thought of anything happening to his loved ones hurt. He didn't want them to be suffering, and he wanted to suck their pain away from him in an instance if he could. He didn't care if it would injure him. He didn't want them to feel the pain they would endure.

If only he could prevent the whole thing from taking place, he could have a Hajun sitting in the living room, watching his shows and commenting on everything that took place within whatever he watched.

It really just wasn't Hajun suffering in this apartment. But he himself too. He just chose to acknowledge one over the other, and in his case, Hajun deemed fit to be far more important than himself. And even though he was negative about the mindset, he really couldn't care less about it. He didn't want to be there for himself. He wanted to be there for Hajun.

Inflicting his own emotions upon himself hurt too much to acknowledge. He didn't want to think of his struggles or his past. He didn't want the pictures of such an event to take place when thinking of such memories.

All he wanted was for the world to shut its doors to all the bad things happening, and for the world to for once and for all, shut up.