Thinner

65

Attire.
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Garments and attires before his eyes, under display with bright white lights and prices that ranged from so cheap to something he could buy a house for. His eyes scanned over the articles of clothing, seeing less sweaters and more t-shirts now that summer was arriving. In must distaste, he sighed. Eyes moving front a back between the racks of clothes in front him, his proportions stood still, debating if he should leave and go back empty-handed.

He hated summer.

Not because of the sun. Not because of the clear sky. Not because of ice cream melting between your fingers.

But because everything was supposed to warm. And he still felt cooler than in the winter. He felt disgusting during the summer. The way his body would sweat, but he continued to freeze every single millisecond of the days that lasted for months.

Even if he was discouraged to search further, he didn't want to upset Hajun with an unsuccessful mission in finding something as a piece of fabric for himself.

"This is as useless as myself" he sighed, facing his back to clothing racks, stepping away from them disappointed.

He continued to walk away from the store he was in barely 5 seconds ago. Taking in the quiet environment of the mall, finding it unusual but it made sense. It was a weekday, and people had school and work to attend. His eyes scanned over the many stores he had previously stepped in, only to leave with no success.

It was stressful. He didn't want to disappoint Hajun, but his mood wasn't for shopping or treating himself to anything. All he wanted was for this world to just stop spinning so fast so that he could follow up.

But like many others, he couldn't achieve what he wanted with a single snap of his fingers.

His movements had come to a halt, and thoughts stopped running when he felt the vibrating sensation in his pocket. Without thinking twice about it, he pulled out his phone and picked up whoever thought to call him.

"Yes?" He asked as he made his way into the restrooms, hoping for more privacy.

"Jeongin, let's talk-".

He had stopped listening when the familiar voice penetrated his ears. His eyes felt heavy as he closed them pure frustration. Head spinning as he leaned down against the door to the toilet stall.

"Please, just stop it, Chan..I am really not ready to face you right now" he mumbled quietly.

"I know you are pushing me away, but things get better when you talk about them. What happened was a mistake, and I want to talk about it for our sake..and Hyunjin is also questioning where you went last night".

And what did Hyunjin have to do with any of this? The last time he checked, Hyunjin and him really didn't have much going on. Why should he have to be included in all of this?

"I don't need any of that".

"Jeongin..please reflect on us in this too..let's talk, communicate about it, I don't want this thing between us to keep going up and down all of the time" Chan expressed through the phone. "Where are you? Let me pick you up, and so we can talk about it".

He didn't want that. He just wanted Chan to respect his boundaries. But he also doubted his abilities when it came to Chan. He thought that maybe he needed to call this, whatever it is thing, off. He said once he wasn't prepared for a relationship, and here he was in a situationship where he is required to be so much more than what he is capable of.

Maybe it was better that way..and maybe Chan was right. It's best to talk face to face about it. Maybe it's a bit more personal that way.

"If I text you my location and we talk about it, will you leave me alone till I'm ready for whatever we have going on?".

There was a brief silence. But it wasn't heavy at all, It was more like thinking twice before speaking, kind of silence.

"Look..I've never meant to pressure you, so if you really don't want to talk, I guess I will have to accept it until you are ready to have a conversation about it-".

"No" the younger interrupted, sighing heavily as he stared into the white tiled wall in front of him. "You said it yourself. Let's just talk, get this over with in person".

How the tables turned, as soon as Chan actually decided to respect his boundaries, was sadly also the moment the younger was ready to talk, to end things as it is.

It might have felt a bit impulsive.

But for him, it felt like the only right thing to do. Him and Chan weren't ready and prepared for this situationship.

And it hurt. Cause he genuinely wanted Chan. But, the way he's been acting up, well aware that he wasn't going through an easy time, send him over the edge. And as much trust he wanted to put into Chan, he still felt it fading away with each breath he took.

"Are..you coming back?" Chan asked hesitantly. His breath was shallow, a bit shaken up. "Cause it feels like you don't have any plans in returning.."

Jeongin gulped hard. Chan knew it. And he knew that Chan already feared whatever outcome this could take. And he hated to be the one putting end to the beautiful blue flames.

"Let's talk about it when you pick me up, Chan.." Jeongin announcened dryly. Wondering if he should have ever agreed for Chan to pick him up.

It felt like a big mistake was about to be made.

But just because it was big, it didn't mean that it was right.

The only way he would figure out the right or wrong in this was to figure it out on his own.

Even if it pained him.

Even if it pained Chan.

Even if he would regret it.

And even if Chan might realise he is right.

He still hoped that eventually, the right future would come by faster. Because from within, he knew he couldn't live without the older.

He loved him.

But he wasn't ready to put effort into loving him.

And it seemed to be the other way around, too.

And if that's the case.

He couldn't wait to be capable of loving someone for good.

Without fears and without pain.