Thinner

69

Inflection.
_______________________

Step by step. That's what he was told to do, to be, and to act. Hajun wanted to help him. Differently than anyone else has attempted, too. And perhaps he did have a little hope. Mainly because he had a goal, a goal in which he yearned to be capable of loving Chan and Hyunjin in a healthy manner. Without hesitations, without lies dropping from his lips, without overthinking as a natural response to every goddamn situation.

It has been a whole week since he last saw them. A week since he sat in that car with them, crying so much that his eyes stayed swollen and red for the next few days. They meant a lot to him. They were the light when he was in the darkness. They were his words when he was in silence. They were his happiness when he was in sadness.

They were everything he wasn't. But they made him feel like he was.

Perhaps instead of grieving over a withering relationship, he should probably stand up and do something to better himself. But, how can one better themselves when he still had tears left to cry? Was this what a breakup felt like? Was this what he laughed at in TV shows and found pathetic to cry over? If it really was, he surely felt sorry for any characters in books and movies he has shamed on over the years for crying over an ex.

And here he was. Like those characters. Other than that, he wasn't drowning in ice cream and having girl friends by his side talking shit about a guy who actually wronged someone. He just sat, staring into the walls, letting small droplets of tears fall from his dark and moist orbs.

He kept thinking of how loved he actually felt staying with them. How they did warm him momentarily and how nice it was to have a shoulder to rely on. But he also knew that I got cold quickly. When Hyunjin wasn't there, and when it was just him and Chan, it was so cold. In the warm, he found the cold spot that affected him greatly. The constant times he ended up sleeping alone on the bed or the couch, the countless times Chan wouldn't mutter other words than 'eat' to him, in an attempt to help Jim regain some of the weight he lost after he came out of the hospital.

It was all about Ana.

Anorexia Nervosa.

All about that, it was all the attention on that thing.

And if he could have pulled apart his body and limbs one by one, to pull that disgusting thing of a disorder out of him..maybe he would feel fine again. Maybe he could still stay at his parents' home, endure a bit more pain before breaking into a complete mess.

Maybe just maybe.

He would still be with Chan and Hyunjin.

But Hajun spoke something wise to him once in the following week.

Which was uncommon. But common at the same time, the closer he got to him.

"Whether you feel warm or cold, you will always keep getting colder the more you ask the stars to help you instead of the person by your side".

Those were words that seemed stuck to him like glue. Like a fly trap that attracts. It gave him hope he didn't believe in to begin with. And even if he has hope right now. He needed to gather up his courage to chase it.

"Have you seen my pa-" Hajun walked in, stopping mid sentence as he stared at the boy staring at the wall.

Jeongin slowly looked back at the older, who stumbled his way to him, buckling his pants up so he wouldn't trip over them. As he gazed down on the crimson red.

"Want some bandages for that?" He asked as he examined the bleeding skin.

Jeongin looked down to his left arms, mouth agape as he saw a sharp knife burrowed into his skin. He felt his back hit against the chair in shock as his eyes examined his own arm. He didn't really know what had happened. He's so out of thought. He's always been out of it.

"What happened?" Hajun questioned as he pulled out some yellow stained bandages from the cupboards above.

"I-i don't really know" he mumbled, adrenaline rushing through his body.

Hajun started laughing as he shook his head, holding his chest tightly as he clicked his tongue.

"I'm sorry, it just-" he shrieked out in laugher again. "It's just..you look so dumbfounded, and I'm too high for this" he chuckled between the words as he swung a bit back and forth.

Jeongin did notice Hajun being high about 20 minutes ago when he smelled the first round of weed that took over the small crooked apartment. It burned in one's nostril while he was preparing dinner, and it was around the same time he started zoning out.

He figured he must have accidently chopped into himself without noticing.

"Man, doesn't it hurt?!" Hajun laughed again, and Jeongin just grabbed the handle of the knife, shrugging as his eyes looked at the older. "Don't pull it out. You might worsen the injury" Hajun explained, holding his arm gently. "Uhm, yeah, like, how did it go so deep, you are like..a skeleton you know?".

Jeongin snickered at that, a smile finally blossoming on his lips as he enjoyed how laid back Hajun acted in the situation. He could literally be dying, and Hajun would still find a way to say the most inappropriate, most horrible thing ever heard to the human ear, and still make him laugh.

"I don't know how this happened, I guess I might have chopped myself when I zoned out?" He explained, confusion lingering in his voice.

As Hajun walked away, he heard a series of laughter igniting from within the older, as he came back with a clean cloth and a blunt in between his fingers, still laughing ever so lightly as he retrieved back.

"Chop chop" he giggled. Throwing his head back as he took a drag from the blunt. "Here, hold this for me. You can have some, I don't really care".

Jeongin held the blunt between his fingers, staring at the orange glow at the base of it. It was almost faint, barely noticeable as the ash covered it. He sighed as he looked back down at his arm, lifting his finger connected to his injured arm, glad to know he didn't chop a nerve of.

He stared back at the blunt, thinking to himself if it was worth it to begin with. And so, he decided to just push all his worries off of his shoulders and take the damn fucking weed into his system.