Thinner

26

Moisture.
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In moments where he was taught certain subjects, his parents wouldn't bat an eye to teach him. He realized how much he didn't need his parents' presence in order to feel and do better. Maybe he wasn't the best at everything anymore. Maybe he was failing all classes. But there was one thing he knew he couldn't lose.

Lessons.

It was impossible to lose the lessons he was taught by two strangers he met months prior to now. The lessons that he became so aware of that he didn't feel most fear towards stuff he was afraid of anymore.

Life wasn't just about being better in his eyes anymore. It was about improving the right amount before having to pick up himself again, knowing he'd fall back down to the second step. The success he was taught in the hospital and not at home said one thing. And that one thing was to never retrieve back to his parents ever again.

It wasn't because he hated them.

But, because they hated him so much that his pride was barely existing.

A pride he was rather shameful of. A pride so small it had to be looked at through the tiniest microscope. His feelings were, on the other hand, massive.

Emotional outbursts and sudden self isolation had held him in a chokehold for many years. But now, with Chan and Hyunjin around, it seemed like there wasn't a thing like loneliness or an opportunity to hide away from everyone at the smallest inconvenience.

And perhaps one day. He'd find comfort in that not being the case anymore.

But for now. In the present time. It pressured him not to see an escape route.

But sometimes. He was so fed up, not only with himself. But when everyone else is surrounding him. The way people could smile comfortingly at him, wish him well. It hurt him so much knowing that they just viewed him as a sick person.

It wasn't just a fact anymore. It was also a feeling.

But the way mentality works isn't exactly rational as many people like to say. Society has simply put terms to a chronic feeling, giving it a name to specify what you are feeling or generally suffering for.

Not that it was a negative thing.

But right now, it felt like one.

Humanity has always been based on feelings. Pushing one emotion above someone else's, acting like it matters more to the bigger eye than the rest.

That's the part he hated.

Cause that's how he looked at himself.

A person with a disorder he couldn't see upon himself. A person who suffered from a disorder that he knew was the same as someone he saw on social media, and yet they always looked more in need than he did to his naked eye.

To specify.

He felt like a nobody.

In conclusion.

He was a nobody.

"It seems like..well according to what you've been telling me. Is that you feel a sense of insecurity no matter where you go. It isn't necessarily about your physical appearance but your behavior, too. Which makes you feel indifferent to people surrounding you, but in a way where you believe you don't matter as much as someone else. In the end, you think that punishing yourself in a way where you'd neglect yourself from certain needs is the way to cope with the chaos inside of you..did I understand that narrative?" The woman across from him asked. A note pad opened in her hands, and a silvery pen with her name imprinted on it, in the other.

She looked to be in her 40s. Her face had undefined wrinkled that became prominent when she frowned or smiled. She had this calm energy radiating off of her body, with a soft smile that comforted even the most chaotic of chaos.

"Yes" he mumbled, still sitting and digging his nails into his skin, distracting him from the difficulties of opening up.

"The thing about emotions is..the fact that you simply can't tame that flame unless you have the right material to put it out. By that, I mean is that attempting to make it go away momentarily is to put yourself through something significantly worse..just isn't the way to go; what you need to do, is to find the right way to put it out. Instead of depriving yourself of the things you could find enjoyment in, you should try to be more invested in it. When you have that mindset that you aren't supposed to, you need to change that subjective into something else. You need to ask yourself as to what you want. What do you want to enjoy. It doesn't have to be food, but at least include such an option to tackle that fear deep within you..even if it terrifies you"

Jeongin bit his lip anxiously. It was the first time he didn't skip his scheduled appointment with his therapist. It felt odd. Indifferent to say the at last.

But at this point, fear isn't written in fine printed letters. It is written in such chaotic, messy writing that I felt like he could lit it on fire.

"Do you have any suggestions?".

"Suggestions?" He asked. Morally for himself, he didn't know any suggestions he wasn't ever given a choice to begin with.

He had always found comfort in his deepest, most depressing emotions to come through tough. And yet, it felt so hurtful at last, to feel all of that again, on a much more provocative level prior to before.

"There's many incredible methods to cope, and that's the part I want you to focus on first. In order to heal, you'd have to cope. Coping is like a way of saying you are dealing with emotions in a way that distracts the thoughts inside of your head. All these years with you punishing yourself night and day had been your own way of coping. But that form of coping isn't healthy, so you will need to find a coping mechanism that'll work for you in order to draw a permanent start line" she spoke, her hands carrying her words in gentle manners. So defined and aligned it looked ethereal.

Jeongin saw the calmness this woman let out. The way her breath was steady and her body was still, and relaxed made him feel aware of his own self. How he sat compared to her was as if he had bad stomach aches. Hugging his knees close to his chest.

"Let's start gentle. For each session, I'll provide you with a need stress toy...If, you manage to participate in daily activities outside meal plans" she stated, looking at the boy with gentle eyes.

"Why?".

"Isolation isn't healthy even for the most sane human being on this planet..everyone will need their time to have an hour a day to spend away from ones thoughts and chores..friends come in handy, and I know you got some waiting on you outside".