Thinner

103

Metanoia.
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"The weather has been so nice these days" the male beside him spoke, looking up at the orange trees in which leaves were threatening to fall every second. The leaves on the ground colored the pavement they walked on, the said leaves crunching beneath their feet.

"Hyunjin, it is literally at the brink of pouring down. Don't you think it's best to head back?" He asked, slightly hesitant in the way he was feeling about what was about to be heading his way. Or, more likely, what they were heading to.

He held the bouquet of flowers against his chest, protecting them from the harsh breeze that hit them every once in a while, smelling the scent they offered from beneath his nose.

"I, despite hating the weather right now, think that this is a very beneficial thing to do" the other spoke from beside him, Hyunjin nodding at the latter's words in agreement. But Jeongin still walked with uncertainty.

"Hyunjin, Chan, as much as I'd love to, I don't think I can do this" Jeongin sighed, his pace slowed as they reached closer to their destination.

His heart pounded against his chest, his nose running from how could it was getting outside. He was feeling anxious, afraid to feel certain emotions he wanted to move away from.

He wanted to be happy. In peace.

He understood the purpose of doing this. He knew he was in slight denial. He wanted to do it, but he was afraid of how he would feel afterward. He knew this was also what he would have wanted. But he didn't feel ready. He wanted to at least be more prepared. Mentally ready to tackle those emotions that already threatened to show.

"And we fully understand that darling. We know it's a lot, but we also know how nice it will be to get this over with. You can say goodbye, leave the present for him, and share words with him" Chan explained, taking his cold hand in his, encouraging the younger to continue walking where they were headed.

They were going to the grave yard where Hajun was buried. They were going to give their last goodbye, a present, which was the flowers that Jeongin held closely to his chest. It felt weird, knowing that he wouldn't be saying goodbye to Hajun physically, but he liked to imagine he would be able to hear the words he wanted to spill.

He just nodded along to Chan's words, understanding the information Chan provided. He knew he would feel better, and he knew that would be the best he could do in this situation.

A goodbye.

Maybe that was what he was so afraid of. Maybe he just wasn't ready to actually let go and admit that this was his final goodbye to Hajun? He had already spent a month since his death, mourning the loss of his best friend. He needed to acknowledge that there weren't no more rude remarks to be given, no more indirect caring words to be given, no more Hajun.

Even thinking about it hurt. But he knew it had to be done. He needed this goodbye. Hajun needed this goodbye.

Everyone needed the goodbye.

As they made it to the graveyard, they walked around a bit, trying to find the grave that belonged to him. The search was painful. He could hear the time ticking even without a clock, as they passed by rows of graves, some without a single flower or candle by them, others filled with brand new ones.

It felt so surreal passing by the newly passed people graves. Their loved ones probably stood in the same situation as him, finding it hard to move on and be fine. They probably had a hard time acknowledging it like he did.

He felt his heart sink the moment Chan and Hyunjin, who had walked in front of him, stopped by a grave so empty. And he knew, from that second, that they found it. He felt like breaking down, crying, and screaming again, as the episode of the day played through his mind. He felt tears fall, but he continued to stand composed as he stepped forward slowly, Hyunjin and Chan stepping aside to reveal the very lonely grave that belonged to Hajun. He could see that, his full name standing in pretty font, on a gray marble stone, there were no flowers or candles.

It broke his heart, feeling both waves of sadness and slight anger running through his system.

They couldn't even care to provide flowers for him. They couldn't care to give him anything, even if he was dead? It tore his heart.

He crouched down, placing the bouquet of flowers by his grave, sniffing as tears covered his vision. He brought his hand up to caress the gray marble stone. He felt the tears spill more as the stone stood so beautifully but so lonely. He was fully immersed in the view in front of him that he didn't realize a hand rubbing circles on his his back.

Beneath them, lied Hajun's body, the way it lied the day he died. Hajun was hiding beneath the surface again, but this time permanently.

His heart was beating, but sinking so low at the same time. His only friend was just 6 feet under him, his body in a permanent sleep for an eternity. While he would continue living up here in the real world, thinking of him every single day.

He let out a deep breath, one he didn't realize he was holding until this given moment. He wiped away his tears as he looked back at the grave in front of him.

"Hey Hajun, I'm sorry I didn't come sooner, I would have loved to. I came to say goodbye, I didn't have the heart to say it sooner. I think I have a hard time letting go of you. I really miss you a lot, I don't think there hasn't been a day without me thinking of you" he paused, wiping away a new set of tears that came in before continuing. "I remember how we hated each other. I would always borrow your notes, and you would get me to do stupid and illegal shit for you. But that turned into the most beautiful friendship I could have wished for. You were always there for me, even if you didn't know it. You were always the only person I ever spoke to, but you didn't know that back then. You helped me at the hospital, remember? And you helped me when I couldn't stay there anymore. You were always by my side, holding my hand, giving me motivation to continue on. If I have to be honest, it's been really difficult without you. This past month, I haven't had you bickering in my ear like you used to. I really miss that. I miss you. I took most of your clothes, I sometimes sleep with them, sometimes I wear them. But your smell is fading on some of them, which, for some reason, really hurts. You were my best friend, and you still are! We will meet eventually, in the future, right? I might be old when we meet, but that's fine, I will have all the memories, right? I wish we could have grown old together, but it's okay. You deserve your rest. I want you to know I'm not angry at you, don't feel guilty, okay? I want you to know I'm proud of you and that I will always love you. Promise me that you will be resting well, okay? I love you, Hajun, goodbye".