Thinner

16

Endure.
_________________________

Anxiety.

That's what he felt this given moment. How his pulse were picking up and his hands shaking. He could feel the heavy atmosphere he created in his own room. How the tension rose in his body, as he tried to keep his breathing still.

Today was the day of Hyunjin's operation.

Everything around the ward was quiet. Chan had explained that it was also not an odd situation watching everyone be silent while someone in the ward was undergoing a surgery. And it made sense. That's why he didn't mutter a single word, he hoped the best for Hyunjin and his wellbeing. But he was scared something went wrong.

Maybe it was the small attachment build to the only two people he had for the past month in staying enclosed in a ward like this. He hasn't been outside once, he didn't have that privilege, like how Hyunjin and Chan did. It felt unfair but he was fine without it.

Even so, he managed to make his room a tiny bit more decorative. His sheets were still the same white and blue shade, the same goes for his pillows. But his walls were decorated with a few creative things he managed to fixate his time on doing when neither Chan and Hyunjin were available.

He had no access to mirrors. But he could feel it..the weight gained from the stupid tube that lingered to his body. The sticker were wearing off since a week ago, and he didn't have the heart to tell Hyunjin he needed to take it off..or maybe he didn't have the heart to not be reminded by the latter whenever he unconsciously touched the tube in despair of his own misery.

It felt lonely.

It was lonely..

A knock on the door invaded his private mindset of thoughts spiraling around one another. Only to look up, seeing his doctor approach with a newer looking folder in his hands.

"Hello Jeongin, I apologize for not meeting you the past two weeks" he started off, smiling like he did the other times they saw each other. "I can see you've been trying to make it a bit more..comfortable for yourself?" He pointed out, signaling to the newer decorations displayed on the walls.

"I have nothing else to do" he muttered unfazed, pulling his knees closer to his chest to hide himself away.

"Have you adapted to your tube since last time?".

"My statement is exactly the same" he bluntly replied, wanting to genuinely get out of this situation.

He hated these check ups and talks with his primary doctor. Today he wasn't even informed about his appearing presence, and it frightened him down to his knees. He didn't like not being informed about this.

"So you still believe it's a shitty, useless tool that you wanna rip out of you're body?" He asked, preparing the board as he lined up the papers and clicked his pen.

"Mhm.." he hummed.

"According to the last few written files from the social workers here..I can see you've made two friends here at the ward...how does that make the ward feel to you now, prior to when you first arrived?".

Safe.

It felt safe.

But he didn't want to admit that he felt safe and somewhat closure in such a place like this. He didn't want to admit this was better than his home, scared he'd never return back if he said a word about it.

"Decent..when can I leave?" And yet still, he had that urge to still ask that question. He wanted to know so badly, afraid his education, that he has build up was crumbling down into pieces. He wanted nothing more than to have a look and fix that damage.

"I know..a lot of people like you have a strong tendency to ignore and deny the fact that you are sick. But once you admit to yourself that you not being sick anymore is the answer for you to return home, then I can't give a specified answer to that question" he explained.

"I don't like that".

"Anorexia is a difficult disorder to treat..it's a disorder you've been adapted to, a disorder that is eating your own body if you don't provide it with nourishment. Until you will eventually collapse for the last time and never wake up again".

The silence was loud once again, his body felt stiff and locked as the words spoken hit his realization for a moment. Yet he still heard that voice, screaming inside his mind to not listen, and that he would only fail if he listened. He felt so confused.

"The nurse is gonna take your blood pressure like usual. Weigh ins, and blood test too" he sorted out, standing up with a brief smile.

"Where is she then?" He finally looked up, frowning at the presence of a female nurse lacking from his vision.

"Beside you, preparing..I'll take my leave now, if you have any request or questions, don't be shy to ask".

He bit down on his lip, glancing at the nurse beside him, who smiled reassuringly to him.

"I only want home".

Lie.

That was a damn lie.

He wanted so much else, but he was to anxious to ask.

He was to pathetic to even request something he wanted. He was too stupid to even try and say something.

It was useless.

"Do you know when Hyunjin is gonna be available? Like after the operation?" He turned to the nurse, his eyes filled with worry and sorrow at the same time. He couldn't stand the thought of feeling this lonely and sad.

"I'm sorry..but it's confidential for now" she smiled caringly before measuring his blood pressure.

He looked down disappointed. He could really use Hyunjin's cheerful persona, his happy smile and his general attitude in itself. He wanted a new sticker, he wanted a hug. He hasn't had a hug before.

"But I can tell you that a kidney transplant takes up to three- if not more to execute. And then the person typically needs time to rest afterwards, a day or two and a person could be out of bed, functioning almost decently close to usual" she explained, as she noted down the numbers.

"Thank you.." he smiled, glad to be informed about the smallest part of Hyunjin's condition even if it was indirect.

"I'm sure someone is waiting for you when we are finished here" she spoke, nodding her head towards the window.

There stood Chan, his arms crossed over his chest with a slight frown of his face.

A sense of comfortability hit him seeing the man outside his room, waiting for his turn to brighten up the boy's day...even if he wasn't feeling too well.