Thinner

76

Crammed.
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"Why now?" Jeongin popped the question that has been lingering in his brain for the past ten minutes of sitting in heavy silence. For him, it was too much to take in at once. The latter in front of his own pair of eyes barely explained the situation over the phone and hasn't said a word since entering the unpleasantly empty cafè.

He looked down at his own mug of brewed hot chocolate, wondering if the other noticed his unusual choice in drinks.

It was no lie that he was making his own progress without constantly being reminded when and where to consume his next amount of calories. He rarely thought about it anymore. He rarely paid the thoughts any attention. But sitting there, without yet a sip of his hot chocolate, made him shift slightly in his seat. He remembered the pressure of eating with this person. The latter hasn't done anything particularly wrong when eating together, but bringing up the conversation around food and how he needed to consume just anything.

It wasn't like that with Hajun. And he figured that must have been the reason as to why he felt so comfortable eating with him. Hajun never conversed about the food they were eating together. Hajun never seemed to point out him missing a meal or two or giving up the last slice of pizza. Hajun never brought up how glad he was for the younger eating. He never mentioned how he looked healthier or fuller or how he seemed more energized from fueling his body with what it needs and wants.

It wasn't ideal to compare the two very different people either.

But to him, it made sense.

He was healing with Hajun. Because Hajun didn't bat an eye. But even if he didn't bat that eye. He still made subtle gestures of wanting him to eat. He just phrased it differently.

So the hot chocolate was a big deal in front of this person. As if it was the only thing the other would notice and potentially point out. It made him feel stripped from reality, stripped from his own thoughts. Everything was replaced with anxiety.

"I wanted to see you. I didn't want to just call through the phone and let that be it" the latter spoke, breaking the uncomfortable chains of thoughts that didn't even spiral. It went in a perfectly straight line, but it felt trafficked.

"Chan, I'm not sure if what the purpose of you meeting up with me will hold up to your expectations" He carefully worded as he crammed up into the chair. Sliding his oversized sweater over his knees to gain the warmth he lost outside.

"And that's why I don't want to focus on that today".

Jeongin tilted his head slightly at Chan's statement. Unsure about what the older meant by that. He glanced at around the empty coffee shop before sighing heavily.

"Then tell me what your purpose with me is going to be" he replied, almost seeming uninterested. But he was more than just curious. He wanted to deman Chan to just tell him so that they could go straight to work instead of pulling strings out tiredly.

"I want to keep meeting up with you, I want to know what is going on with you..not about that, but just you and yourself. I want to know what made you happy this week, what made you sad. I want to know if you've gotten a new hobby or brought new clothes-".

"You're basically telling me that you think you don't know me already, so you want to get to know me again? You are telling me that you basically miss me and want me back, but with your own plan?" He stated more or so like a question. This time, he stared deep into Chan's enlarging orbs. Trying to seek out the truth within him, tired of the riddles he had to solve by himself.

"I-".

"Chan, stop. I'm not ready for a relationship, that's why I halted everything. I said from the very beginning that I wasn't ready, and I still ended up in that relationship that I wasn't prepared for. I want you to know I'm not coming back anytime soon-".

"I'm not talking about starting up our relationship again. I'm not talking about you moving back into my apartment again. I'm not talking about wanting to have sex with you or kiss your lips passionately as if we are in a relationship. I'm talking about wanting to create better memories for the two of us. I want to make it more comfortable for you to be just near me. I don't want you to fear me" Chan hastily spoke, his legs shaking as he clasped his hands together, clearly showing signs of uneasiness.

All the interrupting from one another made Jeongin annoyed. But Chan's statement made him feel like there was a potential in those interruptions.

"So you want us to date, but not daring as in relationship wise?".

"No and yes. I want what we have to be what you want us to have. If you want to call me your enemy today and your boyfriend tomorrow, then I'm fine with that. You don't need to hurry, and you don't need to fasten your seatbelt too much. Let me just have this one chance, please?".

At this point, Chan seemed ready to pounce onto his knees, with praying hands that Jeongin would eventually swoon over and fall into his embrace. And perhaps those prayers were accurate.

Jeongin may not have swooned over him or jumped into his arms. But he felt like doing so. Even if he resented the man in front of him, he still had a loving place inside of his heart reserved for him.

But there was still one puzzle that was missing from the rest.

"Hyunjin..what about him?" He asked, raising his brows as he looked suspiciously at Chan, trying to read the man's stone face.

"What about him? What do you want about him? What are you comfortable with?".

"I want him to be included too, but I don't want any mix-up between you two. I don't want you saying you are going to come get me, only for him to show up, and vice versa".

"Does that mean you are giving it a chance?".

No.

Well.

Yes.

That was right. He supposed he was giving them a chance.

But he doubted if it would be the biggest mistake he were to ever make. Or if this could save the whole situationship altogether.

"Twice a week. Hyunjin on Tuesdays, you on Thursdays. No more than two hours. We will only stay near Hajun's apartment. Travel by foot. And no talking about food or my mental health, don't even initiate it. Take it or leave it" he blurted, biting his tongue back from putting in more requirements that would probably give no one a chance.

It was what he was comfortable with. He didn't want to go beyond a certain line. He didn't want to feel hesitant with them. He wanted to feel as free with them as he were back in the hospital.

The hospital he only wanted to think about as a memory, and not his whole lifeline.

He looked at Chan, who carried big, hopeful eyes. Something that sparked a whole mass of emotions within him. Awaiting the response from Chan patiently.

"We can make that work" Chan nodded, obviously trying to hold back a smile by biting onto his lower lip.

Chan might have been anticipating it with a bunch of happiness.

But Jeongin was still hit by the same wave of anxiety.

Was this a mistake?