Thinner

24

Floating.
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Bodies as heavy as his during recovery tend to fall much harder. Mindset like his in recovery would believe there isn't a single thing left of him. Hearts that sunk like his at the realization that life wasn't blooming a new chapter in front of him. Instead, it withered away with the wind. It wasn't enough to talk about the influence of life on him. Life was like an unfortunate event for him. An unfortunate event that settled so deep within him that he wondered what the next bad thing was.

It wasn't directly insecurities revolving his body anymore. Perhaps just 25% of the portions of his newer, bigger insecurity. Which was letting down the people who had their hope held high for him. It wasn't ever expectations they settled, just hope. But hope was enough to make him have an expectation of himself, being, and getting better. And falling from such heights felt like being dragged away from endless possibilities that were laid out for him, but he wasn't supposed to touch those possibilities. That would be wrong.

It would be wrong if he succeeded so easily. It would be wrong if there wasn't a fight to put up against others.

But since last week. When his father was present barely 6 feet away from him, spitting out nonsense and hurtful words. It made him feel like he was a sack of potatoes, being thrown around with.

All that heavy lifting for nothing.

It was a situation where his father refused to acknowledge his dying child. Rationality aside and a narcissistic mindset ahead of himself. It felt so wrong to listen too. to look at. It felt so wrong to sit there that day, wondering if he said and did the right things. Even if everything was out of control, he couldn't help but feel like he was the one out of control. The betrayal he felt the day his father refused to acknowledge his breathing and still living son was like a nightmare turning into reality in the matter of just a few seconds.

If it wasn't hope or disappointment, he felt that day. What was it?

Resentment.

His air balloon was popping, and the clock felt like it was ticking. Everything around him rushed so fast, and everyone talked too fast. And then it just stops.

It all stops, and it becomes quiet. His mindset felt like hell.

It wasn't safe, nor did it feel safe.

"I know the meeting was heavy and difficult for you to indulge in. But giving by the lack of good results we've gotten from the meeting, I'm afraid we'd have to go through this with the court..which will also mean that there might not be a possibility for you to return home the nearest future" his doctor spoke, breaking the once heavy silence with a cough before his sentence.

"Why?".

It was the only question he could ask. It was the only words that fitted out of his mouth the right way.

"I think both you and me know what kind of evidence the hospital's lawyer could and would provide in court. Uhm..and since your parents' record isn't exactly clean, it may result in certain felonies" the doctor explained.

Jeongin felt his heart drop the moment the last sentence was dropped.

Even after coming to the realization that his parents would never love him or look at him as their actual child who needed their help, he couldn't help but feel stranded..if not hurt. He loved his parents, or maybe that's just what he told himself. To feel stronger and be more confident. But maybe lying to himself wasn't necessary anymore.

Maybe he was meant not to see his parents again.

But that didn't mean he wanted them locked up for what they did to him. Even if he wanted justice, even if he wanted revenge. He just couldn't hurt his dear parents in the long run. Even if he wasn't nearly as dear to them as they were to him.

"What if I refused the diagnosis" he asked, lifting his head up with a little bit of hope.

The doctor sighed heavily, rubbing his temples to figure out a proper response.

"Even if you were to refuse the diagnosis, you'd first have to talk with your case manager about it. Scheduling such a rushed appointment isn't the most sufficient and possible thing to happen. And even if it did happen, the case manager would most likely not be in your side...Jeongin, we all want what's best for you".

"But what if I was willing to wait?" He asked, briefly staring into his doctor's eyes, feeling a sudden wave of disappointment when there wasn't the same supporting look in the other's eyes.

"Do you know...what could happen if you went undiagnosed and untreated from anxiety when you step back into the world again?" The doctor asked, leaning forward as he raised his brows.

He felt unsure as to what the answer to that could be. He didn't know anything. It was frustrating and tiring. And maybe he wasn't prepared to go through with such things in general.

"Imagine this. We let you walk out into the real world again, filled with anxiety to the pint you could break down. Suddenly, out of nowhere, you could become severely depressed, and your eating disorder would come back. You might have to go through a bunch of stress. You wouldn't be able to find a stable job of your anxiety, prevent you from socializing or performing certain tasks, and you would then be forced to undergo a diagnosis".

He let that sink in. It wasn't because he was afraid of the diagnosis, it wasn't because he was afraid of treatment.

He just couldn't let his parents go to jail.

He didn't have the heart to hurt them as much as they hurt him.

"I don't want that" he mumbled, looking down, feeling crumbled in defeat.

"No one wants that to happen. So tell me why you proposed that idea?".

"I don't know...I guess, growing up at home. Having nothing to look forward to other than having to roll my mom over on the couch so she wouldn't choke in her own puke..or having to be careful around dads bottles. I don't think they are bad people, but I do hope they actually love me..like I love them. But I'm afraid that isn't the truth. I've found comfort in everything at home. From acing all my exams and test, only for them to not bat an eye in my direction. I've always felt I needed to do much better to make them happy, but extra credit never worked out either. I have exhausted myself for all those years. Thinking that one day, when i wake up, they would be standing happily, praising me. But it won't ever happen..I just don't want them to be hurt, even if they hurt me first".

"Sometimes..you need to put yourself first. It's easier said than done. But the amount of fear you are carrying within in you is eating you up alive, and you need to let go of that".