Thinner

77

Philophobia.
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The reflection in the mirror mimicked his movements as he buttoned up the dark blue, oversized satin dress shirt. His body became completely hidden beneath the fabric of his choice from Hajun's closet. His eyes glared into the mirror, not knowing how to feel. He didn't feel disgusted with himself like he usually did when he saw his own reflection. This time, he just felt a form of relief. Not particularly good. Not particularly bad. He didn't bother his reflection in the mirror. He was preoccupied by his thoughts and by the clothes he chose to wear.

He wondered to himself. If this was all too much? Was this worth a shot? He was so beyond incapable of believing in himself in this very moment.

"So? You are going on a date with them-".

"Hajun for the hundredth time today. It's not a date. We are just meeting up" he exclaimed as he looked at Hajun. Only to spot the man laughing to himself.

He chuckled to himself, too, settling for some comfortable matching dress pants.

"Blue suits you" Hajun blurted out as he hugged the younger from behind, resting his chin on his shoulder.

Jeongin leaned back into the friendly embrace. Staring at his own complexion in the mirror. Wondering if that side of himself lived a much happier and easy going life than him. Or if it was just that depiction of himself, reflecting his real insecurities and letting them shine more brightly upon his eyes. No matter what it was, staring at his own reflection made him uncomfortable.

He could feel the anxiety creeping up his back and the awful voices in his head telling him that he made a huge mistake. He was scared. But he wasn't scared of seeing Chan or meeting up with him for a small walk around the neighborhood's local park. He was scared that this was going the way he wanted it to go. And it sounded so messed up just thinking that it made him feel pathetic.

It was like he was a scared cat, hissing at the people who offered love to him. He was scared he would get hurt again. He was incapable of believing he was worthy of love. He found it unreal to believe that such a small thing like a soul mate existed for him.

But at the same time, he was always busy considering Hajun as his uncompleted other half. He could only believe in Hajun, and he could only believe in Hajun's love only. He couldn't even believe Chan's or Hyunjin's love. He couldn't believe his parents' love. He could only believe Hajun's love.

And no matter how much he could be capable of wording out the word love and spreading it out so thin. Hajun seemed to always be the answers.

"Am I ready?" He asked out loud, relaxing into the comforting embrace. He genuinely didn't know if he was ready.

Ready to face his biggest fears. Ready to face those big challenges. It wasn't other people's problems. It was his. He was the issue. His fears were the issue.

"Little runner..it's time to stop running away. It's time to stop chasing after things. Let yourself float and flow with the rhythm. I'm not going to be far away from you, I'm going to stay right here, and if you need me, I'm a phone call away" Hajun responded, like a sweet whisper into his ear. A whisper of encouragement was highly doubted from the younger, who frowned upon his own capabilities.

"What if it can't be fixed?".

"Look at me" Hajun mumbled as he turned the boy around, looking him up and down with an encouraging smile. "The relationship might be damaged, but it's not broken. The connection between you guys might have gotten thinner and thinner, but that doesn't mean it can't thicken up again. You have set boundaries like a bandaid to fix the damage temporarily, and by the time the time flies, you will come up with a solution with them to fix that damage and let the final issue be complimentary to your relationship" Hajun spoke, brushing his hands through Jeongin's messy hair, fixing the few flyaways. "All you need to be is yourself. That's what people love about you, don't think, don't speak, don't act, just flow".

Jeongin looked up at the older, his eyes as big as a deers stuck in the headlights. His body frozen by the sudden words, wanting to bawl out his eyes out of pure gratefulness.

The mere fact that he used to despise Hajun made him feel guilty for not knowing this side of him. Hajun was an act of a poet worded wrongly. In fact, only he could word that poet right, and he did that just now.

"What if-".

"No, what if. Don't think at all about how today is going to turn out to be. Just lay back and let yourself go. Your mission today is to feel comfortable and satisfied, and that is going to happen whether it goes bad or not. Because in the end, I am always better than them" Hajun motioned for the younger to turn around again, and Jeongin obeyed quietly, looking at himself in the mirror again. "Tell me what you see".

He sighed as his eyes glanced over his own proportions, not knowing how to describe the sight in front of him, even if it was just himself in front of Hajun. His eyes traveled further around the room, letting the silence settle upon his shoulder to bet on an answer. He looked back at Hajun, a smile forming on his lips as he figured the right words to spill. Knowing that in the end, Hajun was always right. He wouldn't be uncomfortable today because even if things don't turn out to be good. He would always have a safe place, a safe person, and a safe home to go back to.

"I see a good day ahead of me" he answered, receiving a big smile from the older, who clapped his shoulder.

"You will be okay".