Thinner

17

Deadlines.
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"I feel horrible" he mumbled. "I hope Hyunjin is going to wake up soon...".

Chan smiled as he rolled the wheelchair towards a small kiosk, inside the hospital. Glancing around the items and snacks there was available, while Jeongin kept his head down low, to avoid every possible humane interactions.

"You gained 3 kilograms, it's a huge step for you. Even if it's scary for you, I'm genuinely proud that you are rather accepting towards it" Chan smiled.

"I did nothing, I haven't eaten a single meal provided, I've avoided my dietitian..the only reason why I'm moving forward, is because of this stupid tube. I'll never be okay, or perfect for anyone, I genuinely hate this place" he complained, almost crying it out from how full he felt.

He swore he could feel the fat, the flesh stretching and his bones shaking from the added weight..he felt like a million pounds, just by hearing one piece of information. He felt so insecure in his own skin.

"Do you wanna try making an improvement yourself?" Chan asked, stopping by the small coolers in the corner of the store.

Jeongin looked at Chan with an unsure gaze, shaking his head as he lowered it again.

"Don't you just ever crave fruit so much, like the juice and the fresh smell and taste..how it is so crunchy but soft at the same time-".

"Chan, seriously?" He interrupted the older who just laughed at his own behavior, taking out a few items.

"Strawberries for you, and some chocolate protein pudding for you too, and I'll...will devour some actual chocolate pudding" Chan stated, handing every item to Jeongin, basically using him as a shopping cart to hold his items.

"You know I'm not going to eat it right?" He asked, smiling even if he felt pressured, he still found the overall doings sweet.

"Uh. Yes you are, I didn't remove everything from your room for no reason? You'll get your stuff back when you finish some strawberries and pudding" Chan spoke as he paid for the stuff before throwing the back onto Jeongin's lap. "You know...being a bit experimental these days couldn't do much harm? You should try it" he laughed as he spinned the younger around in his wheel chair.

"Am I permitted to beat the crap out of you, cause genuinely I think it's a shitty idea" he complained.

He couldn't understand why someone wanted to go for such a certain extend just for him to eat. He didn't need the food, he needed the love first. That's what he craved the most.

"I'd like to see you try" Chan smirked.

They both glared at each for a moment, before breaking into a fit of laughter. Jeongin smiled as he observed the strawberries in the container, feeling them rumble around felt satisfying, but looking at the edible fruit made him feel uneasy.

"We can watch a movie? Read books, play music? Whatever you prefer" Chan offered as he pushed Jeongin into his shared room with Hyunjin, halting the small vehicle, letting the younger arise from the uncomfortable seat.

Jeongin was rather focused on the empty bed, just standing there with no one else present than the two of them. He turned to Chan to ask yet another question that couldn't be answered, in any way nor form that he would find acceptable enough. But he halted his movements, knowing it was just impatience and hope for the latter undergoing a surgery.

"Wanna watch..Red Rose?" Chan asked, as he turned to look at Jeongin for an answer.

"What is it about?".

"A digital app, death and a form of teamwork I guess?" He questioned rather than told, handing the remote to the younger.

Jeongin grapsed the object, nodding his head in approval as he clicked play. He felt calm but nervous at the same time. He couldn't wait to see Hyunjin again, praying that his pain will be ended as soon as possible. We felt content in the room both Chan and Hyunjin shared.

His mind was filled with Hyunjin's condition.

Like, hoe was he feeling? Was he awake? Did he die? I'd he even breathing right now? Is he going to be well again?

Worry, was one thing that differentiated these thoughts from his own wellbeing. He didn't care about himself, he didn't want to see himself sick, because he denied being sick. He hated how he looked, how he acted, and how he breathed on this damn earth. But Hyunjin didn't deserve the suffering the way he himself did, Hyunjin's life was precious, his? Not do much.

Sick and twisted mindset was also one thing, that differentiated one thing from the other. Home compared to hospital. Home he had to think too much about where he chose to step on the floorboard, he had to keep turning his mother around so that she would choke in her own vomit. How he had to run from his infuriating father, just to worsen his own punishment again. When someone talked to him,bit was degrading, violent and an unnecessary amount of screaming and yelling.

But to say that this place was different, felt wrong. It was obvious how he wasn't being beaten up or almost slaughtered by staff at this place, it wouldn't be professional to do so. He still carried the frightening fear of confrontation, the sickening thought of being alone with one authority figure again. He didn't want pain. But at the same time, this place felt calm, secure, and not endangering like it felt at home.

Maybe it was Chan and Hyunjin who drifted his mind away to something else? Maybe it was them who made him feel secure..and not the place.

But it made him think..

If he ended up getting well...would he have to go back home? To his abusive father, who loved throwing bottles, and any kind of harsh objects after any breathing human being? Home to the mom who drank away her days, lying cold on the couch, yet sweating and all cuddled up in blankets? Home to a home where there were no quiet nights, where there wasn't safety or any friends..back to the town where hookers ran the street, drug addicts in school, and violence in every home he'd step across.

He for some reason didn't want to go back. But he couldn't stay here forever. And he wasn't ready to move forward in life, he didn't know what to do.

"Hey.." he felt a comforting hand on his shoulder, pulling him sideways into a warm embrace he melted in.

He only now realized that he was crying silently, as his mind was derailing.

He was fucking crying infront of Chan.

"Come here" he grasped him by the waist, lifting him with ease as he made the younger straddle his lap, so that they cuddled close to each other. "Just let it out bud, just get the pain out" he whispered gently, attempting to calm the crying mess in hid embrace.

"I want my home" he sniffed, wiping away the pathetic tears that wouldn't stop falling.

"Where's home? Can you tell me about home?".

He shook his head as quickly as possible, cause he genuinely didn't know where it actually was.

His actual home on a stupid address, his current place was a stupid hospital. But home was far but somewhat close between the two places, and he hasn't ever felt as confused about being in either places.

He didn't know what it was. But he just wanted home, the warmth it could provide. He wanted a mom who hugged him, a dad who played football with him. He wanted a happy family, not the ones he had at home..they were cruel.

"I don't know" he broke back into tears at his own statement. Not understanding how he himself, could be so stubborn about retrieving to his so called home..yet proceed to cry about in distress.

His own mindset frightened him.

"I don't know where home is, mine is cold, I want the warmth".