Thinner

70

Shoveling.
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Despite the despair of feeling completely empty-headed, he had found ways to rather cope with his problematic situation. It wasn't that he tried to ignore what was best for him. It wasn't that he tried to avoid it either. He was just trying to settle down his own chaotic mindset while having to struggle with something as insane as his own self-esteem.

Reflecting back to where all of this even began, he couldn't help but look back at Hajun's past words. The mere fact that Hajun was complete spot on when stating the fact that he was never prepared to settle for recovery to begin with, and that it was most importantly forced upon him. He knew deep down that he, in one way or the other, agreed to eventually undergo treatment. But he never wanted to in the first place. It had never been on his mind that he should ever receive help with recovering when he clearly wasn't mentally prepared for what had in shock for him.

It was only frustrating enough that one day he was in his classroom and the next on a hospital bed, with wires lingering to his body to keep him alive. To the next moment where he started feuding with his own parents and fighting against going back home to them, only for them to continue having custody over him, and making his life a living nightmare at that point.

He knew he had walked through thick and thin and through fire and rain. But ultimately, he couldn't, and he wouldn't ever understand how Chan could have disappointed him so much. Which was ultimately the most difficult thing he went through.

He didn't care if he had food to eat. He didn't like it, and surely, he didn't take much thought and consideration into thinking about his next meal. He didn't care if he accidentally chopped into his own skin or if he drank out of an alcoholic bottle. Right now, he cared and used all his headspace wondering what Chan was doing. He wondered what Hyunjin was up to. He wondered if they stayed together in their apartment. He wondered if Chan was equally as low as he was right now.

And looking back at his own current state. He felt completely dazed and slumped so heavily back in the couch that he genuinely felt like a disgusting, rotting corpse.

In front of him laid bottles and bottles, some laying on the floor, others standing in their bright glory, some half empty, some half full. It was the same thing, but who gives a shit at this point? Hajun laid flat on the second couch, chewing on a large pepperoni pizza while zoning out to whatever plaid on the TV.

He chuckled, thinking back to what Hyunjin said before he stepped out of the car that day. Shaking his head.

"If we don't hear from you within a month, I'll pay a visit".

Or something along those lines.

He remembered mumbling stuff beneath his breath, not believing back then that he would ever let them in. The amount of resentment he felt inside of his body that day, when he was stuck in that car with them, was already enough. Everything was enough for him.

He knew stuff where fucked up the moment he left his parents' property. He knew he was fucked up, when he spend days being homeless. He knew he was fucked up when he chose to trust Chan enough to meet up with him. He knew he should have just called Hajun from the beginning. Saving himself for everyone's petty asses.

"Want the last slide, man?" Hajun asked as he reached over to already grab to last slide, knowing what the answer from the younger would be.

"No, two was enough" he mumbled, genuinely feeling overly full and greasy from the pizza alone, the alcohol was just a plus-one.

"Remember that time in like, 6th grade when I threw the pizza box at you".

Jeongin chuckled when he remembered the event. He remembered the ugly dark bruise around his eye, from the impact.

"Yeah, I went home crying only to get beat up by my parents" he snickered, rolling his eyes at the awful memories that his past self would probably be crying over.

But, certainly, at this point, he didn't have much to really cry about. Well, other than a few heartbreak, that didn't seem to heal any time soon. But the past was almost forgotten. He didn't feel the nightmares creeping up his back at night. He didn't feel the fear he would typically feel if he dropped a glass of water.

And he didn't want to say it. Cause he knew the last time he admitted to it, he was wronged by the universe. But he felt significantly safe with Hajun. But he refused to admit that.

"Sometimes I tend to wonder how you haven't killed yourself yet".

Jeongin looked at Hajun with a soft smile, feeling insufferable inside. Like there was a fire igniting within him, screaming at him to speak honestly and not make a complete joke out of it.

"I guess I have tried in one way or the other..I mean, if I was taken to the hospital that day, I guess I would have died" he shrugged it off. Pretending like it wasn't a big deal to him, only to drink down more of the alcohol in front of his reach. Drowning his own pain with the sour after effects.

"How did it feel? Like, passing out?" Hajun turned to ask him, batting his eyelashes as he waited for his question to be answered.

Horrible.

Was the only way he could describe it. But it didn't give enough in-depth explanation of what the experience was like.

"All I remembered was like..walking, feeling kind of out of breath? Like breathing through a straw. Then, the dizziness, making you sway side to side and stumble. And the things would just go black, I guess?" He couldn't explain much because it didn't really make sense to himself. He remembered that feeling like it was yesterday, but it felt so distant, too. "And I sort of hoped that it would have stayed black".