Thinner

9

Loneliness.
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It wasn't that he didn't want to admit that he was lonely. It wasn't that he wasn't ready to admit that he was missing something or someone, in his life to make days smile brighter at him. It wasn't ever the truth that he hid away due to comfort. Surely he mostly wasn't faced with being alone, it could be nice..but seeing people everywhere, having that one person they've been friends with for years, being either the same or complete opposites, they were always soulmates bound together by a string of hope and mercy. Those were the things that made him realize how lonely he was. He didn't push away people by free will, he wasn't the type to avoid them neither. But he was the type that feared being alone.

He couldn't stand the thought of living away his years, alone with no one to hold nor love. He thought a lot about that connecting to his parents.

They didn't love him the way he wanted them to love him. He loved them, the way they didn't want him to love them.

The amount of times he has rolled his mother onto her side asleep, to get stuck puke out of her and simply hiding as soon as he did so in order to not get beaten or scolded. Even if he saved his mother's lives numerous times, he never got a thank you, he never got the love he wanted to have. Having a mom in which was gone out of sobering, inflicted with her own washed mindset, it wasn't easy. Sometimes, even if it sounded so cruel, he did wish he had left her on that couch, choking in her own vomit due to her own fault. He wished to never roll her body over, and to just let go of the person who never supported him in any form of ways.

He wondered how unlucky he was to be born into a horrendous family. With a mom drowning herself with alcohol. With a father who smoked to many cigarettes. The parents that beat him even if he couldn't control his own body himself.

It made him insecure. He couldn't talk about his parents without lying the majority of the time, to cover up their hideous tendencies.

Even if he, himself, was a hideous tendency.

That's atleast what he felt like.

Yet, with all that rambling through his mind, he was still stuck to a hospital bed. With doctors sprawling around him inserting needles into his thinning proportions.

It was at this moment he surely realized he might aswell actually be dead now.

It was shocking how everything happened in the speed of lightning. He couldn't walk ten meters from the room he was stuck in for two hours, purely because he was anxious to leave. He couldn't breathe properly on his own, his body was giving up. And being the only reason why people noticed his unwell behaviour, was only because he fainted, not only once..but twice now.

He heard so many words he couldn't understand, he heard so many sounds he couldn't process. He could only see people, rushing front and back, he could see the painful light above him making him go blind by the sharpness.

As soon as he even tried sitting up, he was pushed back down, making Jim whimper from the uncomfortable of the force that pushed him back.

"Are you feeling any better? Could you tell us what happened?" A nurse spoke, making his furrow his eyebrows in confusion.

Did he really have to explain? Couldn't they just find out with their fancy electronics?

He felt so vulnerable, so weak. He couldn't help but breathe out loud, clenching his eyes shut.

"You fainted again Jeongin, lucky for you, you were surrounded by doctors and nurses" the lady beside him spoke, preparing to measure his blood pressure. "How are you feeling now?".

The amount of questions followed around with the chaos made him feel so confused, he barely understood what actually happened when everything went pitch black earlier. He could only remember walking around after he left the room, wanting to explore the area he was stuck in till further notice.

"I'm..not sure" he mumbled, looking to his right side, spotting a familiar specimen behind the window.

"He is worried about you. He refused to go to bed till you felt better, you've made a nice friend haven't you" she spoke quietly as the other nurses slowly left the room one by one as they finished their work on him. He felt a bit abandoned, but he pushed the feeling to the side as he glanced back at the nurse.

"I..wouldn't exactly consider him a friend...we barely spoke" he answered, earning a soft nod from the woman.

"We've informed your primary doctor here with what happened. And he'd like to talk with you tomorrow morning at 10 am" she spoke as she wrote down the levels of his blood pressure every 5th minute that passed between them.

"About what?" He asked, hoping to get atleast a bit of information about what he was going to be talking about.

"I'm not quite sure, I will only be told important information after the meeting tomorrow. But don't be afraid, we all wants what's best for you here, until you can stand on your legs just fine again" she smiled in a supportive manner.

He didn't believe a word she said, he knew that she must know about what they were going to be talking about tomorrow. And her not disclosing any information, made him feel unsure and unprepared.

"When can I leave this place?" He asked, looking at the woman with slight hope in his eyes.

"I can't tell, sadly. But your school provided a few gifts for you, they are over there on the table, you can pick them up when you'll feel better" she smiled, wrapping up the equipment, before standing up. "Your phone is beside you, please await atleast an hour before standing or walking, after that you are free to walk around your room".

He didn't mutter a single word in response. He felt infuriated by the lack of information he received, genuinely feeling betrayed. But he stayed quiet, not wanting to waste his energy on arguing with someone who was just doing their job.

When the nurse left the room, he took his time to stare at the wall. He didn't bother to look back at Chan to see if he was still there, he couldn't understand how he was so worried for him, when they met literally hours ago.

He glanced back at the table filled with encouraging gifts. It made him feel useless. Now the whole school knew he was an irresponsible teenager, whose parents didn't even love him. He felt like a fool, like an idiot who sat himself up for failure.

He felt still..hurt..betrayed by his own self.

As if he shouldn't even matter to people around him.