Thinner

36

Unlucky.
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It was night,  hospital was quiet. The window beside Hyunjin's bed was covered in rain drops. The sky was crying like he did all night. Hyunjin was asleep on the other bed, the silence was heavy, and he tried to be quiet, but his heart felt so heavy. He regretted not seeing Chan before his transport. But he was also worried about Hyunjin. Even if they talked again, it was just the two of them. The missing piece to their puzzle was far away, the piece that tried to fit right in cried at night..the last piece remained a bit broken, hoping it's life will grand impossible possibilities.

"You're crying" the soft voice spike beside him. The younger turned his head, watching as Hyunjin was sitting on the bed.

"Did I wake you up?" He asked, trying to get rid of the teardrops that spilled second by second.

"No, I've been awake the whole time....why are you crying?".

"I don't know..it just feels empty right now".

He felt so conflicted. How was he supposed to continue on without even seeing Chan again? How was he supposed to feel okay knowing that Chan was out there, not knowing how his life went. Chan could be in pain, but he could also be okay. And it hurt to even think about it.

He wished that damn thing had never happened.

Infuriated and hurt were barely enough words to describe the chaos within.  The way his heart sank deeper and deeper just by thinking of it.

Why did it have such a huge effect on him.

"You know..eventually, we will all become healthy again. Chan was just lucky he even got the chance to heal properly now" Hyunjin attempted to comfort, looking at the younger with concerned eyes.

"I know...I guess as long as I'm alive, you'd always have someone to be there for you" he smiled.

Hyunjin was right. One day, they won't be in this hospital. One day, they will move forward with life. One day, they will die and watch back to this moment flashing through their eyes.

It will all come down to one day.

And no matter what, he won't be able to stop it.

"I'm glad you aren't upset with me..it was hard processing Chan leaving..I've been alone for five years in the hospital till Chan came along..We've been roommates for a long time..not having him around doesn't feel right" Hyunjin expressed. His eyes lowered to the floor as sadness slowly began to spread across his face.

It was understandable enough. Having been alone for many years until getting a new roommate who just left must hurt. Jeongin couldn't relate to that. But he could definitely remember the pain of going unnoticed by the two of them, in which he would never like to experience again.

"I'm not upset anymore..but I'm still hurt..all those months with giving me the cold shoulder was unnecessary..if I should be honest, you two were the reason I left for a break..I couldn't handle the pain of being invisible to you guys...I know Chan leaving hits both of us hard..but maybe it's for the better? I wasn't ready for a relationship, Chan is getting better with a whole world awaiting him, and you need time to heal..I don't think I can continue like this for longer.." Jeongin explained, staring at the plain wall for what felt like ages. His emotions were taking kver his words..and maybe that was for the better

"I know we fucked up big time...it wasn't how it was supposed to go, trust me...I guess both me and Chan feared the rejection and the sudden news do much, that we couldn't think about anything else" Hyunjin tried to reason.

But why did it feel like excuses to him? Why did he feel like not listening.

"I'm sorry..but I don't know at this point.." he mumbled, seeing how desperate the older were to get back in contact felt ten times more painful, but he was afraid it would all happen again.

"I understand that..but it was a stupid mistake, I really like you a lot...but you are really stubborn when it comes to this".

"Of course I'm stubborn! Do you really think I can trust someone who has been nothing but nice to me, only for them to turn into my nightmare the next second?! I am not interested in a relationship..when do you two get your heads together and understand moral boundaries?" He felt beyond offended by the latter's statement, turning his back around to close the conversation once and for all.

But of course, no one could resist answering back in this case.

No one could resist setting fire to the fuel.

"I'm sorry that you have such a hard time relating to people! Maybe if you weren't such a stuck-up asshole we wouldn't be arguing right now! I already apologized, which was what you wanted. What more do you need to feel satisfied over a little mistake?!" Hyunjin raised his voice, glaring as the younger hid himself beneath his sheets, trying to block out the loud noise.

"If I'm that selfish, then why won't you leave me alone? I had the right to feel hurt and betrayed. A simple apology doesn't fix that. Please leave me alone..I'm not interested in discussing this anymore" he sighed, trying to keep in his awfully loud cries.

Maybe he was wrong for this. Maybe he was just too much. But he didn't like it when his boundaries weren't respected..the fear that built up over time terrified him..and the way he was treated didn't feel justifying yet.

"Are you actually crying?" Hyunjin spoke this time more concerned..but in Jeongin's ears, it sounded like an insult. Everything did.

"And what if I am? It's none of your business" he whimpered, feeling the way his heart bested faster.

This whole time, with building their trust and relationship to each other, being broken down hurt. Arguments were left and right, up and down..it was a chaos thr younger couldn't tolerate.

"I'm sorry..." he apologized, his tone sounded fsr more apologetic than the previous apologies..was it because he was crying?

"I hate you" he mumbled, wiping away his tears as the harsh words escaped his mouth.

He didn't mean that.

But he really needed to say that.

"I know..."