Thinner

34

Stigmatized.
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It was his fourth day staying at Hajun's place. It felt like home, but in a way where here was actually acknowledged and greeted in the mornings and evenings. He felt sad that in three days from now, he'd be going back to his depressing hospital room, probably wanting to rip his heart out by seeing Chan and Hyunjin pass by without acknowledging his existence anymore.

Hajun and him got a lot closer. They both had deep and diverse stories to tell about their families, relating to each other in one way or the other. They also realized that his own dad actually stole something from Hajun's father's company, explaining the reason why he got fired in the first place. And the two boys shared a shit ton of laughs about their neglecting families.

He felt so listened to, dumping all his feelings on the table to his former classmate who now felt like a distant sibling. It was like they grew up with the same family, but in two different universe, twisting the story line little by little.

"So, I was wondering..when will you even be out of the hospital?" Hajun asked, turning his head to the younger, mid movie.

They shared a bowl of popcorn. And to say Jeongin has felt less frightened about food since he left the hospital. It was a sense of freedom he finally got to experience, but the fear of it tumbling down made him feel unsettled.

"I don't know. And I don't think I'll be ready for when the time comes" He confessed, feeling the way his bones shivered at the thought of leaving everything behind again.

"Why? Already grew attached to that shit hole?".

"No..I wouldn't say that. It's just..I don't know where I should be heading after that. I haven't heard a word from my father, I haven't seen my mom in months. I don't have anyone outside the hospital, and having to step into the world again makes me feel terrified".

Hajun looked at the younger with sympathy, his eyes glancing down to his hands clutching around the poor handful of popcorn.

"You know..you are always welcomed here..I mean, as long as you end up stleast getting a job, I guess" Hajun offered, making the boy widen his eyes.

"You mean that you are genuinely offering for me to live in your private home....you do realize what you are saying, right?" He rambled, still looking surprised.

"I know, it hasn't been that bad having you around at all. It did make me feel less lonely" Hajun admitted.

Jeongin felt a familiar warmth inside of him..but it was different at the same time. It wasn't exactly feeling safe and in love with Hajun, but rather feeling trusted and making a new friend. He had never expected being able to laugh and have fun with someone like Hajun. The first impression he got from him was purely to stay away from him, mainly because of the drugs, but also the violence.

Knowing that Hajun was nearly as bad as he expected felt secure. And having him as a friend felt safe.

"I guess I've been less lonely too. I guess that if one day I'll get out of there, I might accept the offer" Jeongin smiled, knowing that even if Hajun was just a tiny bit misunderstood..he knew his true colors in the long end.

"It's sad how the days flies by..".

He supposed he has spent quite the time thinking. Thinking about everything. Thinking about Chan and Hyunjin, thinking about how they were doing, what they were doing. He thought about the many nights he shared with them inside the old chemo room, hiding themselves from the staff, only to cuddle and talk all night. He wondered where all those months went. One day, he rejected Chan kindly, thanking him for the time outside. To the next, where neither Chan nor Hyunjin spared a glance at him.

That's remotely why he took this break. He didn't know what their problem was, but if he did something wrong, he'd rather get confronted with it instead of being left like old laundry.

Hajun made him feel welcomed, and they got so much closer. And the way he brought back some of that warmth he's been missing made him feel like he still mattered.

"I mean..a few days ago, I picked you up, then we messed around..now we are talking like we live the same life in a parallel universe" Hajun chuckled, kicking his feet on top of Jeongin's body.

"I haven't talked this deeply to anyone in a long time..I used to have someone, but it's like I don't exist to them anymore" Jeongin confessed, the frown on his face portrayed a bunch of different emotions.

"I don't say this to anyone..mainly because I don't like anyone..but I'm always here, if you need me, I'm a call away" he comforted.

Hajun felt reliable, the way he spoke as if he had experienced everything he had. As if Hajun was his future self, warning him about life and its malicious intentions.

"How about you?".

"Me?" Hajun asked, pointing to himself as if he wasn't exactly prepared to be called out.

"Yeah..how about you? I know you put up a bad facade to get what you want...but what do you really want in life if you didn't have to look back at the past?" Jeongin stated, feeling immersed in the conversation.

He loved deep conversations, and it was the first time he really initiated one. He felt proud of himself, even if he feared Hajun would feel offended by his questions.

"I want..." he went quiet for a moment, the atmosphere thickened as he looked at the ceiling, eyes getting teary and heart getting heavy. "I want to dissappear..like, run far away, own a barn with horses...I want to have a family, and I want to treat that family nothing like my parents..I want to exist outside the name of my parents, I want to graduate, get my education..and I wanna live life to the fullest.." he spoke, his voice wavering lightly as he brought up his parents.

Jeongin could relate to those feelings. If he had the heart to discard his parents, he would do it. But his heart was too soft, fragile to the touch.

"You should chase those dreams..they sound amazing".

"Nobody's told me that before.." Hajun sobbed, fiddling with his hands.."In fact, nobody has ever listened to me before or asked me how I felt.."