Thinner

50

Fleet.
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Thoughts flooded his body when he awoke the next day, in the same car he fell asleep in. He could spot and feel the presence of Chan beside him, probably doing whatever that kept him entertained. He tried to figure out a plan in his head. He had run away for a reason, and he thought that seeking help was too much of a privilege. But he also knew Chan wouldn't let him go if he was in danger out there. He didn't know why he couldn't just accept the help he was offered and get into that damn apartment. But his head kept telling him it wasn't enough, as if he needed to be pained even more.

It laid so heavily on the chest. He wanted to be appreciative, but in what way could he be capable of being exactly that, when he wasn't even capable of contacting Hajun for a place to stay in the first place.

He felt so pathetic and useless. Everyone has been willing to give a hand for him to hold on to. But it seemed like he preferred the adrenaline of falling 100 miles an hour to hit rock bottom again. It was like an emotional attachment to his most deepest and lowest state that his been in.

"Jeongin..why won't you just let me help-".

"Because I just can't seem to get a single fucking thing right! I don't even know who I am anymore! I had to cut off everything! Every single form of communication with my parents, who I've been begging and praying to be loved by my whole life! Only to receive a simple 'okay but don't stay in touch with us' the soon as i announced my departure! I had to steal the money from my parents, only wishing they would stop me and comfort me for once in my lifetime! I'm the fucking kid nobody wanted to fucking take care of. No one gives a shit about me! So that is why I don't accept people gestures and acts of kindness! I've never experienced this shit before. I'm scared" he yelled in frustration. He could feel the adrenaline rush through his body as he breathed so heavily. His eyes drowned in the salty tears that dried up his cheeks, sniffing back his now snotty nose as he just stared into Chan's eyes, his body shaking as he kept a good distance away from him.

The silence was heavy, but neither dared to break the eye contact that they kept so strong.

Jeongin knew that Chan cared for him. He knew Chan would give him the world if he had the opportunity to. But he was the problem. He couldn't accept all those acts of love and kindness. The words of affirmation made him embarrassed, humiliated to say the least. 

"Are you ready to head up to my apartment?" Chan asked in a gentle voice, looking at the boy with soft eyes. Eyes, in which told him not to be afraid. Those eyes in which made him forget about everything momentarily.

"I- I don't want to..I feel safe here" he whispered, feeling the interior of the car, to indicate he really wanted to stay there. To feel more familiar with the surfaces surrounding him.

"You feel safe here because there is nothing for you here. You feel safe in what you are used to. You're not used to being in between four walls with warmth and love...but you can always get used to it. And you can always get back into the car if you feel uncomfortable up there. You just need to give a shot. I believe in you" Chan spoke, caressing the younger's smaller thigh. His eyes filled with concern as he spoke. "Come up with me, yeah? We can cuddle and watch movies. Do whatever that comes to your mind" Chan proceeded to encourage the younger who had a mixed opinion about invading Chan's personal home.

It wasn't his place, and what if he felt sad or upset? What was he supposed to do? He only knew how to run away from his problems and cope by creating another big problem to pay attention to. He really didn't know what to say.

Chan was offering everything he had for him. And he was still doubting Chan and his ability to care for him. He was too insecure to rely on another person. He was too pathetic to even ask for help.

"I'm sorry..this must be frustrating for you.." he mumbled beneath his breath, fiddling with his hands as he stared at the older.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. But it turned out to be exactly what he didn't need it to be. But he knew relying on himself was a bad idea, even a worse idea to rely on someone who probably still had connections to the hospital. He didn't want more trouble. He didn't want more help. He just wanted to get by. But it wasn't possible on his own, but he didn't want to do it with someone else.

He couldn't even agree with his own mindset. How could he reluctantly agree with Chan? He was a mess. Without even noticing that a certain someone was a mess for him too.

"It's not frustrating at all. I'm glad to move at your pace if it makes you feel less anxious or stressed. I promise you, I really don't mind staying anywhere you'd like. You can also just tell me if you need me to make the decision for us, then I'll gladly make one. But you aren't alone in this" he smiled, trying to once again comfort the younger with the words that felt so odd to hear.

He wasn't used to such affections. Not even the many occasions in the hospital has he been able to be used to all the love and comfort he has been provided.

Not even realizing he was crying, he quickly looked away, out the window where he breathed heavily, sniffing his notes as he wondered what was the best decision to take. He couldn't accept any solutions that came to mind. He just sat there, debating and arguing against them, spacing out and crying over the problems he believed he created.

"I-it wasn't supposed to turn out like this. I'm supposed to be out there, on a bench, walking around, trying to find a way on my own like I deserve. I wasn't supposed to call you, I found the note, and I thought it was Hyunjin's number..I didn't even expect you to pick up the phone. Nothing matters, I'm too tired of fighting, I really can't take it anymore" he sobbed, his vision blurred with tears as he spoke randomized words to form a sentence, an explanation for this whole thing. But he didn't even make sense to himself. How was Chan going to understand him like this?

"I'm actually so glad it turned out like this. I know it sounds weird for me to say, but I was the one who provided the idea to give my number to you through Hyunjin. I mean, I was discharged before all of you, and I hoped that you would call sooner or later. I didn't know you had run like that, and it made me worried thinking about how it ended up like this..with you sleeping from bench to bench, in an area with smugglers and thieves. That's why I won't leave you alone, I truly care about you. And I know it's hard for you to accept the love and care I try to show, but I want you to know that it's there for you to receive" Chan ended, holding the boy's thigh in his hand.

"Trust me, if you wanted to sleep in a dumpster, I'll sleep with you".