Thinner

20

Thick.
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"I know this sounds inappropriate...but I've been curious" Hyunjin started, staring at his empty plate, glancing at the younger's half eating one with a bitter smile. "I was wondering..and you don't need to answer...but..how is it like, uhm..having like an eating disorder?" He asked, nervously fiddling with his fingers.

Jeongin froze at the sudden question..not knowing how to put words in.

He could understand the genuine question, and he wanted to try and explain...but how? How was he supposed to explain something that was eating him alive other than vice versa? How was he supposed to say how the voice inside made him do it? It made him sound insane. He felt insecure about it. But he felt like Hyunjin should know, he was asking from a genuine heart after all.

"Well..I'm not sure...I feel like..most other people?" He questioned, looking out ahead of him, feeling his muscles tense as he stared at the white wall. "Like..normally...before this. I functioned like everyone else..I woke up, I took showers, went to school, came back home, relaxed...I did everything except eating most of the times" he tilted his head, feeling his own confusion rise within him at his own explanation.

He gulped as he picked up the plastic cup containing water, gulping it down as he sighed gently.

"It wasn't that I never ate..I did..just not enough..sometimes I kept up three meals a day..small but still meals..other days I was dieting, to lose the easy weight I gained, plus extra pounds. It was like an obsession..to be thinner and to stay thinner..it's a competitive mindset. If I'm not the best, then I equals to nothing. If I didn't get a great score, then I'm not worthy of a title. If I didn't lose the weight, I would lose myself..everything is kind of like..a circle of madness that you can't control, eventually till you hit step one again..with a twist" he sucked in air, letting it go as he looked back at Hyunjin. "It feels like a hungry monster is within me..but the monster is not after the food I try to consume, it's after me".

There was a brief moment of silence. it felt so heavy it scared the shit out of them both. How they turned their heads away from one another..both not knowing what the next sentence would or should be.

Jeongin re-thought his words, checking if he said something wrong. Afraid he'd mess up everything from being honest.

"Why are you letting the monster go wild then?".

"I don't..I had it under control, but I don't anymore..and I just hear it screaming at me, gnawing it teeth into me, to hurt me for being bad" he confessed, feeling how his tears made a sudden appearance.

"Come here" Hyunjin motioned for him to get closer. Patting his thighs gently as he watched the younger approach.

They were in the old chemo room, they had finished their individual meals like planned. And for some reason, Jeongin couldn't help but to comply to the order given. Quickly crawling over to the older, leaning into his embrace to be comforted.

"See..a body isn't made to be stressed in, it isn't made to look at it in disgusting ways. A body is made to be our home, it's made to be the place we'd feel warm and cold, happy and sad, it's main to sustain the tears we spill, and the laugher we drop. Our body isn't supposed to be a scary place, it's supposed to be a comforting home" Hyunjin smiled, wiping away the delicate tears off of Jeongin's face, caressing it oh so softly.

"I've never experienced a comforting home..all I've got is a drunk and unrecognizable woman on the couch, and a father who throw the empty bottles".

"I'm sorry to hear that.." Hyunjin whispered, cradling the boy in his arms closely, feeling the rhythm of his heart beating like it was supposed too. "Without a doubt..you are the most genuine and beautiful person I've met..I wouldn't care How'd you look like, I like what's inside of you..and I like how brave you are, and how amazing you are to try new and scary things" Hyunjin paused, ruffling the boy's dampened hair. "And I enjoy being in your company so much..let's Crack your shell open okay? Let's try new things you couldn't before..together, you, me and Chan!".

"Do you always have to be this positive? It makes my brain hurt and my heart melt at the same time" he sobbed, loving the warm arms engulfing his body.

To him, it didn't matter how odd it looked. He loved the presence of the two men, he loved being near them, they made him forget that he is sick, they made him forget he lives on this cruel planet. They make the pain fade away, bluntly approaching him with soft arms..and he loved every single bit of it.

He found it comforting. Even if he haven't known them for long, they felt safe...they were safe. He could feel the generosity, he could feel sincerity radiating off of them. Their smiles lightning his whole day, they laughter brightening his mood, their words of affirmations making him melt and and feel so secure within himself around them.

The storm calmed when he was close to them, it stayed silent and didn't want to hit in good moments. But he hated that..cause he knew, that once he went back to his room, go get the final dose of tube feeding for today, that he'd scrambled like paper in the hand sof the wrong guy, being thrown into oblivion and hitting the wall so hard he couldn't contain himself.

Emotions like those weren't unfamiliar to him. It just felt so much more painful knowing he'd had to go back, to a place he didn't like. In his own mindset he wasn't as near as safe, compared to how he was with Chan and Hyunjin. They were safe, they were already so comforting,

He was glad to make friends like them.

He was happy to get to know them.

But he wasn't feeling anything without them.

It was like being above the surface of the water with them, enjoying a day at the beach. Until his body is pulled under, making him choke on his own breath, struggling to breathe and inhale.

It was pure fucking hell.