Saved - A Bucky Barnes love story

Nightmares?

"Brock please don't, don't do that". A clink, you're in free fall knowing it's over once and for all when you hit the ground.

I panic from my dream. I have trouble calming down, this dream was so real, the memory of what happened. After a while my breath calms down a bit, but now I'm wide awake. I look at the clock on my bedside alarm clock and see that it is two o'clock in the morning. I swing my legs over the edge of the bed and sit in the dark. Even after I calmed down, I just can't go back to sleep. I decide to go to the kitchen for a drink. I sneak barefoot into the kitchen so as not to wake the others. I take a glass and fill it with tap water at the sink. With three long gulps the glass is empty. Before I go back to my room, I put the glass in the dishwasher. As I walk past the bedroom doors I wonder if the others are all back already? Just as I pass Bucky's door I hear a pained groan from inside. It almost sounds like Bucky is fighting someone. I knock on the door hesitantly, but get no answer. Instead, the noises in the room get louder and louder. Without waiting for a reaction, I open the door and see Bucky. He lies on the bare floor and writhes in his sleep. He kicked off the bedspread. His face and body are covered in sweat. I walk up to him and kneel next to him. "Bucky! Hey Bucky, wake up" I say while shaking his shoulder to wake him up. It feels like an eternity before Bucky opens his eyes, sits up and pushes me aside, still caught up in his nightmare. At first I am shocked by his reaction. Brock's face appears in my mind and I notice how fear rises in me. But when I see how his gaze clears and he looks at me in shock and guilt, I pull myself together as best I can. His voice is weak as he says, "Michelle? Oh my god, did I hurt you?". There are tears in his eyes. "Hey, everything is fine. You didn't hurt me," I try to calm him down with my words. I don't know what tormented him in his dream, but suddenly he looks so broken and lost. I haven't seen him like this in all that time. Before I can really think about it, I pull him into a hug, which he immediately returns. He holds me tight as if I were the anchor that holds him in reality. I weigh him while holding him and stroke his back. "It's all okay Bucky. That was just a nightmare. You're awake, nothing can happen to you here." He started crying. He is shaken with sobs. When he speaks, his voice keeps breaking away. "Every ... damn ... night! Every night ... I have these ... fucking nightmares." Every night? I can't remember Bucky ever having a nightmare in the hospital. Last night it didn't seem like he had nightmares either. "But you didn't have a nightmare last night, did you?" I ask him. He laughs in agony. "No. That was the first night in years that I slept completely dreamlessly." I blush at the thought that maybe I could be the reason he didn't have a bad dream last night. "Do you want to talk about it?" I am already expecting that he doesn't want to talk when he starts to tell. And what he tells me shocks me. It sounds absolutely incredible at first. That he is actually over a hundred years old is the least unbelievable. It hurts me so much to even begin to imagine what he's been through. Not being in control of yourself for years is something that I can unfortunately understand. Even if my situation is completely different. Unlike him, I would have had the choice to change something. While he talks I hold him in my arms and hug him tighter and tighter. I want to let him know that I'm here. That I listen, that the bad times are over. That I won't go away. "It's only since I met you that the nightmares got less bad. Today was the first time in months that it was that bad again" his voice sounds hopeful and hopeless at the same time. "Oh Bucky" I say as he is overcome by sobs again and buries his face deeper in my shoulder. "Could you stay here for the rest of the night?" he asks between two sobs. "Sure," I say and look around on the floor. "But can we lie in bed? It looks a lot cozier than the floor," I try to lighten the mood a little. Bucky nods. "I don't know why either, but I guess through all the years that I had to sleep on the floor, I got used to it." I help him up and pick the covers off the floor. I put the blanket over him when he is already on the mattress, his gaze fixed on the ceiling. "And I sure didn't hurt you?" he asks me again. "Don't worry, you didn't," I say as I snuggle under the covers next to him. I lie on my back and he lies with his head on my chest. I put my arm around him and stroke his hair. "You would never hurt me Bucky" I say and am amazed at how true those words feel. I don't know if he heard my last words because when I look into his face his eyes are closed and his breathing is even. Only now do I really realize that he's not wearing a shirt. Although his body is warm, I am worried that he might freeze. While I continue to stroke his hair with one hand, I drape the blanket more tightly around him with the other. I lie awake for a while and think about everything Bucky has told me. It makes me angry to know that he has suffered so much. And at the same time it makes me incredibly sad that he was alone for so long. In the few months that I have known him, he has done so much for me. There are some things he's probably not even aware of. I'm incredibly grateful to Destiny, or whoever is responsible, for sending Bucky into my life.