Saved - A Bucky Barnes love story

Five years later

What happened to us? In the beginning, for the first few months after the blip, Bucky and I tried to get on with our lives as best we could. For a while we actually managed to support each other quite well in our grief over the loss of our children. But in the last year everything has changed. I just don't recognize him, me, our marriage. We just live next to each other. More like roommates than a married couple. Most of the time I don't even get to see him. In general, I see very few people. Somehow after the blip everyone was busy with their own shit. Everyone had someone to mourn. When I do see him, it almost seems as if he can't stand the sight of me. I wish for nothing more than to know that at least he still loves me and will stay by my side. But most days I'm just completely alone with my feelings and fears. Ok, not just most days, every day. Never in my life - not even at the orphanage or in my relationship with Brock - have I felt so alone. And our house? It's like an abandoned castle. We just couldn't bring ourselves to put away our children's things. Their rooms are abandoned dusty shrines. I don't even know where he is when he's gone. All I know is that he found a way to get drunk even as a super soldier. Because every time he comes home he's drunk. If Bucky and I even talk to each other, we argue. Like today. Our kitchen sink is broken. I suggested calling a plumber, Bucky insisted on fixing it himself. But, half drunk as he still is, he can't do it.

Michelle: Are you sure you don't want to call a plumber?

Bucky: Do you always have to doubt everything I do? If you can do better, do it.

I didn't mean it that way. Angry, Bucky drops the tool and storms into the bathroom. That's how it always is. I say something that he misunderstands or vice versa. We're always mad at each other and I'm just so incredibly exhausted. Actually, I want to follow him and just hug him. But he wouldn't allow that anyway. I haven't held him in my arms in years, let alone had anything else physical with him. I don't know how much longer I can hold out before I finally lose all hope. Instead of following him, I go into the living room and turn on the TV. Hoping that good old trash TV will distract me a bit. It actually works for a while. A few hours later, when I'm on my way to the kitchen, I see Bucky in the bathroom. Don't know if he's still in there or already back, but I can't help but stand in the doorway and look at him. He looks just as tired and exhausted as I feel. I know his grief and guilt for not being able to stop Thanos is eating him up from the inside as much as mine is eating me. But I don't know how to help him. He doesn't talk about it on his own and the times I've tried, the times I've downright begged him to talk to me, he just walked away and didn't come back for days. It's only now that I notice that he's no longer wearing his sweatpants but jeans and that he's freshening up.

Michelle: You're leaving?

Bucky: Um... yeah... Steve called about an hour ago. We're going to have a drink.

What Bucky doesn't know is that I know full well that Steve is out with Nat tonight. I hardly see any of the others, but Nat and I at least text each other. Unfortunately, the fact that he lies to me is nothing new. Maybe he can't stand me so much now that he has another woman somewhere? I shouldn't even start with thoughts like that. He's probably just lying to me because he needs to justify to himself that it's okay to go away again and leave me alone.

Michelle: Aha. Um... do you want me to leave you some dinner this time?

Bucky: No, I'll have something to eat on the way.

Michelle: Ok, but don't stay away too long ok? We have an appointment with Nat and Steve for breakfast tomorrow.

In fact, it's the first time we'll meet anyone in over a year. Without another word he walks past me towards the front door and leaves. Once again I am alone, completely alone. Even if it happens over and over again, it still hurts me every time. I sink to the floor on the door frame and put my hands over my face as I start to cry uncontrollably. What have I done so bad that life punishes me so badly? I want my loving husband back who always looked at me and treated me like I was his whole world. I want my kids back. I want my life back.