Saved - A Bucky Barnes love story

Please forgive me

It's been four weeks. Four weeks I haven't seen or spoken to Bucky. At first I tried to call him. But after that was unsuccessful for days, I just gave up at some point. The only ones who keep telling me about him are Steve and Tony. He would probably be fine thanks to the therapy he has started. As happy as I am that he is finally getting the help he needs, I am disappointed that he can only do it without me. While Bucky seems to be getting better and better, I'm getting worse every day. The only one who checks on me regularly is Tony. He probably does it just to make sure I don't do anything stupid. Which is probably good. I don't know if I wouldn't have put an end to it all now that I've lost my husband too. Day in and day out I spend most of my time in bed. I use what little strength I have left to go to the bathroom every now and then. But otherwise I lie in bed, dressed in one of Bucky's shirts, and sleep or cry. I usually cry until I'm exhausted and fall asleep. One morning I'm lying in bed when there's a knock on the front door. Knowing that Tony has a key, I decide to just ignore the knock. I don't know what should be important enough to make me get up. But whoever's there at the door is damn persistent. When the knocking still hasn't stopped after ten minutes, I get out of bed annoyed and storm down the stairs. Whoever is bugging me right now is about to wish they never showed up here. What's so hard to understand about me not wanting to open the fucking door?!?! I tear open the door and want to scream when I see who is standing in front of me. Bucky! Seeing him here is so unexpected that I stand in the doorway in shock. I don't even know what to say - what is he doing here? He's looking good, definitely better than he did a few weeks ago. To be honest he looks just like the man I fell in love with so many years ago. I'm torn. A part of me wants to hug him, kiss him and just feel him. Another part of me wants to slam the door in his face and go back to bed.

Bucky: Hey......

His voice is uncertain. He's probably just waiting for me to tell him what I think. But somehow I just can't. Four weeks! And now he's just standing here in front of me. I don't have much time to do anything either. Bucky takes a step towards me, takes my face in his hands and kisses me. This also catches me unprepared. I stiffen under his touch. But that only lasts for a short moment. That's all I've wanted for the past few months. That he shows me that he loves me. And now that he does, it confuses me deeply. As he takes his hands from my face to wrap them around me, I push him away from me. What does he actually think he's doing here? He treats me like dirt for months, then he disappears for four weeks and leaves me completely alone with everything and now he's standing here and thinks he can make everything right with a kiss? Never!

Michelle: Bucky stop!

Somehow the whole thing makes me so angry - because I'm still so hurt - that tears come to my eyes. Actually, there is so much I want to say to him. But again I just stand there and stare at him. What is wrong with me? I don't usually have any problems being honest with him, even in unpleasant things.

Bucky: Baby, i'm sorry about everything.

He's sorry? Does he really expect me to just believe that? These few words from him are crucial for me finally being able to say something.

Michelle: Really? What exactly are you sorry for? For treating me like dirt for the past few months? Or are you sorry for all the nights i found you almost comatose somewhere? Or is it rather the last four weeks that i didn't know where you were or what you were doing? What is it bucky? What exactly are you sorry for?

Bucky: All of it! I know....... i know i can never undo this, but i'll spend the rest of my life trying.

Michelle: I wish i could just believe you. But every time anything bad happens you just walk away.

I really wish I could believe him. I don't want anything more. But... I can't.

Bucky: And i have to apologize for that too. I........ i just didn't know how to deal with all of this. But i'm working on it....... for you, for us.