Saved - A Bucky Barnes love story

How are you holding up?

A few days later I am in Leon's room in the evening and change his diapers. He watches me attentively and curiously while he holds his comforter and pulls it back and forth. When I'm done and put his romper back on, I lift him into my arms and kiss his forehead. With an indistinct babble he pushes his head into the crook between my shoulder and neck when I hear someone entering the room. "How are you two?" asks Wanda when she comes to us and gently strokes Leon's head. "We're fine. A fresh diaper works wonders," I say, knowing full well that that's not what she meant. Almost four months have now passed without a trace that leads to Bucky or at least tells us what happened to him. Day after day I lose myself more in myself and am afraid of the moment when I have lost myself so much that I can no longer be a good mother to Leon. "Mind if I hold him?" asks Wanda. "Sure," I put Leon in her outstretched arms and he coos with satisfaction. "Hello my sweetheart" she smiles warmly at him. I still can't believe how much love Leon experiences here every day. And as sad as I am that Bucky is not with us, I am so happy about everyone who is there for us every day. I don't know how I could have got through the last few weeks without them. When Leon starts to whine a little later, I take him again and cradle him in my arms. I sit in the rocking chair next to the window while Wanda takes a seat on the floor in front of us. "You are a wonderful mother, Michelle." "Thank you Wanda" I give her a small smile. "I just wish Bucky was here and could see his son." She puts her right hand on my thigh. "We'll find him. Rumlow won't get away with it." The others have been looking for Bucky in shifts for weeks. But every day that he is not found, my hope of finding him in time grows smaller. "But when will we find him? And what will we ... will you find when you find him? What if he is no longer alive?" I feel a tear running down my cheek. "We just have to believe he's still alive. Bucky is tough. And as far as I know, Steve got a promising tip." I look out of the window without a word. There have already been many promising leads, but so far each lead has failed. "Hopefully it's different this time. We need you Bucky" I think and fight back my tears. As if she knew what I was thinking, Wanda says "I know. And until he's back with you you have us. I never thought that the boys would love to have a child in the house so much." She laughs and I can't help but laugh along. "Yeah, it's really fascinating." When Leon starts to yawn, I realize how late it is. "I'll bring Leon to bed, it's already bedtime" I say as I get up from the rocking chair. "Good night little one. Good night Michelle, I love you both. If you need anything, I'll be in my room." She gives me a short, careful squeeze so as not to crush Leon before disappearing down the hall into her room. I go to my room with Leon. Since he was born, I haven't brought myself to leave him in his room at night. Every night he sleeps in a baby crib next to my bed. I put on his pajamas and then step out onto the balcony with him in my arms. Like every evening, we stand for a few minutes in the cold evening air and look at the stars. "Wherever you are Bucky, we love you. And we want nothing more than that you are finally with us again," I say up to the stars. Maybe he can hear me wherever he is. We go back inside and I hug Leon tightly again before I put him in the crib. "I love you my darling. And daddy will be back with us soon." I cover him up and kiss his forehead. Then I go to the bathroom, brush my teeth, and put on my pajamas, which consist of one of Bucky's sweatpants and his dark green T-shirt. Like every night, I leave the balcony door ajar so that it doesn't get too warm and stuffy in the bedroom. No different than usual, my last thought before I fall asleep is Bucky. I can see him laughing in front of me and happily pulling me into his arms. I wish this wasn't just a mirage.